Dec 16, 2007

I'm not the symphony type

My family wanted to find a tradition that we could create that would allow holiday cheer, family bonding and combination of generations. This afternoon my grandparents, parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece all went to the Colorado symphony. Classical music does not provide me with calm and relaxation. Instead I feel irritated and bored. Why is that? The music was beautiful and the atmosphere was festive...but I am going to vote for a different family activity next year.

Regardless, I did appreciate the time with my family. I had the opportunity to see my grandparents hold hands, kiss and belly laugh. My parents toasted each other and finished each others sentences. My brother and sister-in-law kissed and said "I love you" because the moment took over for them. And my niece held my hand and told me I was the perfect aunt. So while we haven't found the perfect tradition, I think that we were able to share our love for each other...and that is a tradition I would like to continue.

Dec 4, 2007

You don't pick...

so many different things in your life. You don't pick your own genetics. You don't pick the people you fall in love with. You don't pick your parents. Today I met a young man who cried for help. Help to find a safe place to live; help to support the parents who refuse to do the same for him; help to be treated as a real person, with real emotions and real fears.

This boy lives in an abusive environment, both physically and emotionally. He is fully devoted to his parents and is loosing grip on his beliefs that parents protect their children. But in truth, I learned today that his parents, grandparents and uncle have all accepted the abuse this young man endures daily. I sat in front of this kind boy and apologized for the disappointment adults have been to this point in his life. I apoligized that his pleas have not been met and explained that unfortunately we don't get to pick our parents. I looked into his tear filled eyes and had to explain that I am unable to fix the situation. As I watched him cry while begging his mom for help, I also realized that the system has major flaws. Because of this young mans age, the law will not automatically remove him to a safe environment. The organizations designed to protect children are so overwhelmed with reports that children are put in order or priority. This young man is older therefore, he does not rank very high on the list. I had to send him back home with my cell phone number and our police officers number. We talked through different senarious and made a commitment to check in first thing in the morning.

His final question before going back home...will anybody ever pick me? When you look at your child, partner, friend or even a stranger...remember to pick them. No soul should feel so lost...especially a child.

Dec 3, 2007


Secrets have a funny role in my life. I have rarely been accused of holding myself back and not sharing everything in my life to anybody who asked. My relationship with Melissa has been the contradiction to my beliefs. In the beginning we both had a secret for different reasons, but ultimately it was to protect each other. As time went on, our secret was shared with different people at different times for different reasons. I have never lied about spending time with Melissa. I have kept no secrets when it comes to missing her and Ellie and trying to see them at every opportunity. I would answer honestly if anybody asked...including my parents.

I have shared with the true friends and some of my co-workers. I have received mixed responses. Some of my friendships remained solid...and some disappeared. While there have been some hard moments in loosing friends, I always believe that it's nice to know who your true friends really are. Several months ago, almost a year, Melissa and I talked about seeing a counselor together to help me process and create the right words to share with my parents. I never went to a counselor to figure that out...maybe it's time.

While I haven't said the specific words to my parents, I have shared with them how much I miss Melissa and Ellie. I have shared how important it is for me to visit them as much as possible. I talk about how we were all going to live in this house. I have shared with them my feelings and emotions. My parents are fully aware of my bond and connection with Melissa. I keep wishing that they would just ask me directly. That would be so much easier to answer honestly.

Either way...some call it a secret. I call it living my life and figuring it outthe best I can on a day to day basis. I guess I'm still growing. It's not my secret...just my process.