Reimagine journaling

 

Years go by and I think that journaling would be helpful. But every time I sit down to write it feels so foreign.    But I continue to come back to this blog and every time I feel proud and comfort. It’s the place that I started to say all of the things that I couldn’t say out loud.  I never planned on anybody reading or finding a community but then it was so rewarding when I did.  I am working through so many feelings, struggles and questions and need a place to express the secrets and struggles that hide in my mind.  I am coming back here to find some comfort and create something that helps me.  How do I give back to myself in a way that feeds by soul, quiets the self criticism and allows me to be creative? I’m not sure but I do know that blogging is my first step.  

Coming home...again

This blog has always been such a big part of my adult life.  Even thought I have left it for years at a time, I think about it regularly with always positive feelings.  I am protective of this part of my life because it's the place that I grew up and experienced highs, lows, confusion and every other possible emotion. The place that accepts I am not a "writer" but still allows me to put words on paper to express the thoughts in my mind. I got more positive energy from this blog and the blogging community than I have ever received in the FB, Instagram, Twitter world. And I don't care who is actually reading (or if nobody is reading) because it's not made for that purpose. It's my place to find myself and share what's happening without judgement.

I am married.  My wife is amazing, kind, sweet, smart, hard working and loving.  We are still learning each other and finding ways to put our lives together. We are loyal, committed, determined and in love.  This is the marriage I had dreamed of all my life and feared would never be a reality.  We have three animals (Fred, Ethel and Izzy).  They each have a role and bring us lots of laughs and some frustration daily.  We don't have any human babies because I tried many times to get pregnant but my body simply said no.  And she doesn't have any desire to carry a child.  We are still trying to figure out what to do next...adopt or make peace as childless.  Some adult decisions are complicated and emotional.  We live in the house I purchased 10 years ago and continue to do work remodeling to make it "our" home.

I have been to therapy (a lot), read lots of books, joined several groups for support and had some success and some failures.  But in the end, I continue to be inspired every day to push more and try harder.  Mostly, I am ready to come back to my blog...more than ready.  

I'm getting married!

Those are words that I wasn't sure would ever come out of my mouth.  I have dreamed of being married most of my life.  Not the actual wedding, dress, cake, etc.  But instead, I dreamed of having a person who was my other half.  A person who was now my "tribe" and we would build a life together through both the good and bad.  But I have had many ups and downs and even more in betweens of nothing.

But I found my person.  I found the person who brings me joy, laughter, enlightenment, encouragement and support.  Ad she asked me to marry her in the most romantic way I could have imaged.  I felt pure bliss from the thought that she wanted to marry me.  That we will be our forevers...

And since that pure moment of bliss I have found out that my mom is devastated that I really am gay. Devastated that I am not fulfilling her dream of marrying a man.  The exact fear that I had when first coming out and then again when I forced the conversation again years later.  But this feels worse than if it had come at that time because she has shared my love and life over the years.  She has been a supporter of my life and the joy that is clearly part of my life. And in the one moment when I feel the joy and love that I have waited 41 years to have she feels sadness, disappointment and shame.

I am going to continue forward every day and plan the best celebration of my love.  I know that both of my parents will join the celebration and be present at the moment.  It may not be what I had dreamed but I am going to focus on the parts that bring me joy.

So many years, so many ups and downs, and finally I have found myself.  And in the process of finding myself I found my person.  I am getting married.

Who? How?

I have moments of such clarity of who I am and what I'm about.  I'm about honesty, integrity, love, humor, loyalty, family, friends and doing the right thing.  There are also moments when being myself feels like I choose the hard path over and over again.  And yet knowing that I didn't choose my personality.  In fact at times I honestly feel like it picked me.  That it floating around the universe and found my soul and decided to land and make a permeant home.

I believe that everybody should have voice. I believe that if you ask me a question that you are looking for an honest answer.  I believe that if something is wrong or hurtful or not working that it should be said out loud and then addressed a different plan.  And I believe that only I can choose if a person has qualities that I respect and admire or not.  These are some of the things that I know.

But I often wonder why the things I'm about are such a threat or unappealing to some who have no idea who I really am.  And I often wonder when does the day really come when being a strong, honest, direct woman with opinions and open to discussion is not consider a bad word or evil.  Somedays I'm not sure if it will ever come.

Embracing all of me

I wish that the title reflected that I have fully embraced all of myself but not yet.  I like myself more today than I have in many years.  And I work daily to see myself for the good and bad in hopes to continue to grow.  But sometimes I dissect all of the things that are and could be wrong with me.  Things that I deem make me unworthy of happiness.  And while I focus on the tiny details it really is about needing to feel worthy.  Not for somebody else but for myself.

I have a therapist and she makes me laugh, cry, think and grow.  And one of the most profound statements of my life came from her to explain these moments in my life.  There are moments in life when anxiety and maybe even depression fill the space an the self doubt and self loathing they bring with oddly provide comfort and friendship.  Random and dysfunctional for sure!  But real and honest as well.

So as I enter into this world of blogging again I feel at ease this evening because I said it out loud.  That I know the self doubt and self loathing is not real and it is not me.  It is simply a by-product of stress and anxiety.  Maybe one day I will conquer it completely and ultimately embrace all of me.

Coming home

It has been several years since I closed the door on this blog.  I tried to start a new one with a new title all in the hopes that I would be able to maintain something that brought me so much joy but leaving my past behind.  Over the years, I have remembered this site fondly and often considered returning to blogging. And finally the day has come for me to return home.

My life is so different all of these years later. I found true love, share all of my life openly with my family and friends and I have experienced so many new things.  But let's get real, there are so many things that have stayed the same.  My mission to find passion in my career, continue to explore new adventures and challenge myself and to grow as a partner, daughter, sister, friend and whatever else comes my way.

I'm back and looking forward to reading others and being inspired by so many.  I am energized to share new thoughts, questions, ideas and of course funny stuff.

The day is here

I started this blog to share my journey.  To share my feelings, thoughts, fears and joys in a way that made me feel safe.  This space has allowed me to share my ups and downs, write about the random thoughts in my head and I have met some wonderful people...friends.  But more than anything I would say that who I am today has changed a lot from the person that I was the day I created this blog.  I LOVE this blog and it has truly meant the world to me, but it no longer feels like a safe place to share anything. 

I have been thinking about how to let go for awhile and there is no easy answer.  I would like to continue reading the blogs that I love and making comments using this handle.  I have created a new blog that I hope will give me back that sense of freedom.  If you would like to know the name please feel free to email me.  But more than anything I want to say good-bye and thanks for being part of my life!