FAILURE

If I had to describe one word that fits how I feel about myself, it would be FAILURE. But to say that out loud for the world to hear sounds like a pity party...and therefore it is my secret. I have always felt like a failure and maybe it has now become a self fulfilling prophecy. I have failed at so many things that trying to figure out how to stop the pattern seems overwhelming. And yet from the outside people would never assume that I have any self doubt or regrets. Last night I laid awake in bed unable to stop my head from thinking about all of the events in my life, past and present, that I didn't do well or will eventually find a way to destroy. My dreams are filled with loss, fear and torment...is that related to my actual life or is it just my current pattern?

During my awake hours, I am aware of the positive things in my life...family, love, health, financial stability (although I could use more), etc. You get the point, but it's during the darkness that I'm reminded the most about my demons and large an impact they play in my daily living. I am trying to stay just ahead of my demons and control the amount of power they possess in my life. Who will win? Today it doesn't feel like me.

Do I or don't I????

That is the script that runs through my mind over and over again. Every aspect of my life I ask the same question...do I try something that is on my mind or should I let it pass and hope for the best. The question fits in any situation...what kind of food should I eat, where should I go on vacation, what type of career am I going to explore, following my heart...you get the point. Recently, I have been thinking about having a baby. WOW...seeing it written down is more shocking than actually thing about the possibility of being a mom. I always believed that women were born knowing that they either wanted children or not. I never had the desire so I assumed that it wasn't meant for me to actually have my own child. I love kids...I love the potential, their raw sense of self, the laughter, everything! I love my niece for the person she is, wants to be and is going to be. I love Ellie from my gut and get more and more from her every day. And then all of sudden I wanted to have a child. Physically...I'm not sure, emotionally I'm sure! The idea of having baby is frightening for me because I never thought of myself as capable of raising a baby. I have a history of messing up people's lives and I would never want to hurt a child.

Would I give a birth to a biological child? Do I try adopting a child? Do I accept that I am not meant to be a "parent"? I am a parent...I'm a step-mom. Do I pursue having a baby or let the idea fade? That is the question!

Just be...

That is the best advice ever. I have spent the past 10 days with my partner and her daughter trying to absorb all they have to offer so I can take that back with me to Colorado. I have experienced every emotion possible and have caused some hurt, frustration, confusion and hopefully love to Melissa. I have said her name...can you believe that? She has told me several times this week to "just be." Now I get it...now I understand that the only control I have comes within myself and I need to trust the things that I know. I know that I love her and love the times we spend together. I know that I love her daughter and the laughter belly laugh that only this 3 year old can share. I love her dog...she is the example of calm and living in the moment. I love my partner and I know that she loves me. I have to remind my brain to stop going in random directions and instead stay confident in the moment. This is my time to learn about trust and love...something that has been an issue for me in the past. Like everybody, I also have a personal story that has some good and some bad...trust, confidence and love are the victims of my life.

Maybe that is the topic of my new blog...maybe not! Either way, I have learned that I need to trust my partner and trust our love. I've learned to be honest about my issues and not make them somebody else's issue. I love the person I am in my relationship...and that is the person that I'm going to work on and make more confident.

Does effort count?

I have been writing for the past year about my relationship and my desire to do it better. I use to make a living off of communication and yet I wonder how I could do such a poor job in my personal life. I love my partner and I love her child...I even love her dog. I have been in love with her almost from the beginning of our relationship, but I have always tried to allow her the freedom to determine who she is and what makes her happy. And yet in the end, all I really want to do is be selfish and tell her to stay with me and be happy in the moment. We are trying to figure out the long distance relationship thing and there have been a few bumps along the way. All of that said, and I still want is for her to hold me, tell me she loves me and to have the laughter that only we have. I am desperate to find advice and hope that we can make this transition and that I will still have her with me in the end. I wake up daily worried that I am loosing my grip on us. Part of me says that it may be necessary for her to be happy. But I'm not ready to give up on the love of my life. I hope that she is holding on as tight.

Time Flies...or does it

It's 9:00 a.m. and outside the temperature is 79 degrees. Inside my house, the temperature is 85 degrees and shows no sign of dropping. So I sit on my porch and look around my yard and realize that I am doing this all alone. By this I mean "life"...my life to be exact. Regardless of the ups and downs in my life, the only person that I can count on 100% is myself. And while there was a time that this was my goal, I'm not sure that being so independent counts as a success any longer. I have been alone again just over a week and I would like to say that the time has flown by. That is what I would like to say, but the reality is that I find myself counting the seconds and hoping for something that will consume an hour of my time. Does it get better?

Just holding it together

I had forgotten what a broken heart felt like but I have been reminded within a few minutes. I fear starting over again and I fear being alone. That is so contrary to who I have been all of my adult life. I built a life that promised independence, freedom and strength. And then I fell in love and everything changed including my priorities. The pain and loneliness that I feel is bigger than words can describe. I don't know what to do with myself or my emotions and I don't have anybody to share these feelings. Will it get better? Will anybody ever love me enough to stay? Will I ever love myself enough to make them stay?

Returning home

This morning I kissed the person that I love the most while tears ran down my face and fear pulsed through my body. And seconds later, I was boarding a plane to return home...a different state. As I walked into my house this morning, I felt panic and emptiness for the first time. I have referred to my girlfriend as my "Binky" and now I sit on my couch worrying about how I can live without that support. I know that we will see each other again, but from this point forward, everything is different. I really do love her and miss her more than I can ever express. I have this relationship that has been a secret at times and yet I have shared with other people in my life. And yet today...I sit alone with no support. I am right now in a long distance relationship and worry every minute how that is going to work for all of us. For now, all I can do is trust in us and hold on tight to the contact we have...event if it is not face to face.