May 10, 2010

Number 13

I haven't forgotten my list and I have so many updates that I'm hoping to post as much as possible this week. But number 13 happened this evening and I can't get it off of my mind. My parents are both retired now and it has taken a bit of time to adjust to that much "together" time. Especially since my mom can obsess on her "love" and can become a bit too much.

This afternoon I dropped by my parents house (which I will update why on a later post) and my mom was sitting at the table staring outside. As soon as I said hello she started talking and for the next hour I listened to her stress about my dad's health (he is having some issues), my dad's unhappiness with life, her inability to make it all better and that was the moment.

I sat next to my mom watching her cry out of frustration and self loathing because she loves so much and feels like she just isn't enough. The counselor in me came out and we talked that thought process through to a point of realizing that my dad is an adult responsible for himself. And then the daughter in me came out and I offered her my unconditional love and support and promise to help my dad.

But number 13 was the connection in my own mind. I am my mother in so many ways...and I define myself through other's pain and suffering. When good things happen to others I don't make any connection to myself...but when bad things happen to others I believe it's must be my fault. And I finally saw that reflected back through my mom's eyes. Knowledge is power...right?

No comments: