Sep 19, 2010

The day is here

I started this blog to share my journey.  To share my feelings, thoughts, fears and joys in a way that made me feel safe.  This space has allowed me to share my ups and downs, write about the random thoughts in my head and I have met some wonderful people...friends.  But more than anything I would say that who I am today has changed a lot from the person that I was the day I created this blog.  I LOVE this blog and it has truly meant the world to me, but it no longer feels like a safe place to share anything. 

I have been thinking about how to let go for awhile and there is no easy answer.  I would like to continue reading the blogs that I love and making comments using this handle.  I have created a new blog that I hope will give me back that sense of freedom.  If you would like to know the name please feel free to email me.  But more than anything I want to say good-bye and thanks for being part of my life! 

Aug 12, 2010

Mystery solved

Ethel LOVES her peanut butter stuffed Kong every morning. It's actually her version f crack and it's also a great distraction from me sneaking off to work. She has a pink Kong (of course) and usually leaves it on the back porch for me to pick up after hours. That is for the exception of the 1st Kong which disappeared two months ago. She buries her bones in the mulch around the yard so i just assumed it would be found. In the meantime my mom bought her another. Things were going great until three weeks ago when Kong #2 vanished. Ethel and I walked around the yard digging up mulch trying to find the hidden treasure. NOTHING! So...I purchased another and today Kong #3 has vanished.

Luckily for both of us I found #2 on Monday in my alley. It was just lying there waiting to be found with a little part of it chewed off. While we were out looking for #3 my neighbor came out and told me she saw a squirrel with what she thought was a Kong today. Can you believe it! Stupid squirrels!

Aug 11, 2010

They aren't real

Get your mind out of the gutter! I was talking about dreams...

But the big question is why can a dream ruin your entire day? I play out a lot of situations in my dreams and some end better than real life and then others...well you get the point. This morning I woke up from a dream that felt so real and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to that life. I wanted to live there. And because I couldn't and because it felt so real I have been in a funk all day long. Tears, anger, tears, tears and did I mention tears.

And now it's time for bed again and I'm not sure if I hope for a repeat event or do I dream of dancing in candy land.

Aug 10, 2010

Two steps down...#24

This is my year to face the potential for parenthood. As I sat at my grandfathers funeral earlier this year I realized there was no reason for me to continue to wait for the perfect situation. So I did nothing... Well, I did nothing right away but took baby steps for a couple of months.

First I sat my family down and told them that I was serious about being a parent and have explored all of my options and ultimately I am going to try and get pregnant using donor. Check! I met with the specialist regarding the process and have a detailed list of all the things I needed to complete before trying. Check! The doctor did tell me that because of my age we needed to do some extra tests to make sure that I am a good candidate for late pregnancy. REALLY!!! I'm 37 and apparently considered over the hill. Got over that information...Check! My blood work doesn't think that I'm over the hill and still seem to be able to produce eggs (healthy even). So what's next?

I have an appointment this week to have an ultrasound done to make sure that everything is flowing okay and there is no blockage. And then I guess it's a go. I have picked a donor...after having a donor selection party. And I have even started to take prenatal pills per doctors orders. Now I just wait to make sure that everything is good and then I'm ready. I am scared but excited at the possibility. Yikes!

Aug 5, 2010

Where did you go?

Does anybody read my blog anymore? Well...I know there are a few known as SPAM! I do wonder what happen to everybody but I guess the truth is that i really use this as my own world to be able to say whatever. Oh well!

I made a promise to myself that by January I would have 100 new experiences of some sort and I'm not really even close to making that goal. So it's time to focus. I have had new experiences so it's time to focus and write. Write for me.

Jul 29, 2010

I'm so flattered

I am doing a guest post on a blog that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read. I appreciate Ms. Sassy allowing me to post something on her blog and add to my list making it #23. I started writing this blog as simply a place to express myself. Over the years I have gained friendships, learned a lot about myself and others and even gained a few followers who comment from time to time. This is still a place for me to think and feel out loud and something about has allowed me to write on somebody's blog. Thank you so much Ms. Sassy!

Jul 19, 2010

T-shirts, tools, corn and dog collar

Those were just the beginning of things I saw yesterday. I may have hit an all time low yesterday when I was trying to add new items to my list. Number 22...I went to the flea market. I don't know what that looks like in other locations, but in Colorado there is one flea market and I have NEVER actually had any desire to visit. But when a friend asked me to join and help find the perfect item (what was it again) I couldn't come up with another excuse.

It was 100 degrees, crowded and random. There were rows and rows of "prize" items that everybody needed to buy. I was honestly surprised at how many booths were selling dresses (okay they were really just long shirts but being sold as dresses) and that there were actually woman in there dishing out money. I walked by a man selling old dish towels to a young couple.

We left empty handed...well we did buy a bag of giant marshmallows simply because they were so big and had a few beers to keep us cool. It was a fun people watching experience but probably a one time experience.