End of a chapter

Four years ago I started a job that was going to open the door for so many opportunities. Opportunities to make a difference, opportunities to grow, opportunities to support a family, opportunities for something bigger...

That job has been a constant roller coaster of emotion much of which I have shared with all of you. And while I have been searching for new opportunities this year I have feared writing the final pages to this chapter of my life because of so many other reasons. But life creates is own path that doesn't always match whats in your mind. Last week was difficult to say the least. I work on a team that is officially broken both personally and professionally. We each our functioning in survival mode and have lost the true concept of the meaning of "team". So my bosses boss scheduled meeting with each of the team members (there are four of us - five if you include my boss) to ask questions about our job performance, job satisfaction, personal and professional conflicts and a list of other potential career changing questions. We each had our meeting and then were expected to go on and act as if nothing had happened.

Friday afternoon, minutes before I needed to leave to cover another night event...that same boss (my bosses boss) showed up to have a meeting with my entire time including my boss. We all sat down wondering what was next...

Tracie and insert other co-worker's name...you will not be returning to this school next year. We will be looking for a new spot for each of you to start over. I know that there were additional words said but I was too busy trying to calm my breathing, absorb what had just happened, control my emotions and focus. I was told that this is essential to allow my boss a fresh start to be successful but that it is also my chance to start over.

Read between the lines and you will hear that somebody believes that eliminating myself and my colleague will fix the dysfunction at my current job. And so now we have to leave and start over and carry with us the stigma of being moved even if it's now really about us. And in a flash part of what I had hoped for, a new start, had just happened and the nightmare of nothing having control of the outcome was intertwined.

The politics in careers is never taught in a college course and never discussed when dreaming of changing the world. I will walk away with my head up knowing that I gave 150% to this job and I also kept my integrity by being honest about my feelings and opinions. I am scared to death of what is next for me...but know that I will land on my feet. Life lessons teach us all how to deal with different things. I have learned that not having control over the outcome of an event does happen even if you try hard to make it work. I have finally learned to walk away knowing that I tried and will try again and again but only worry about the things that I truly can control. Well, maybe I haven't mastered that one but getting better.

Where will this adventure take me next...

High FIVE!!!!

I played in a golf tournament on Sunday which isn't the new experience but this golf tournament was indoors. A couple of friends received an invite to a new virtual golf tournament and I couldn't miss that opportunity. So I packed up my clubs and headed out for a new adventure.

Golf is a funny sport to me because I can play amazing one minute and not even get close to the ball the next. Even more of a challenge is that I haven't actually swung a golf club for months because it's been so cold here. And to make it even more of a challenge I was the weak link of the four of us on the team. But the best part...I played so well that I won! Not the entire tournament but I won in the woman's category. Who would have thought? Is there a virtual LPGA...

Four down

Before anything I want to thank all of you for the support given the past couple of weeks. My grandpa's death has changed me and it's been an emotional journey. But the services did give closure and I was able to say the things that I needed to express. That being said...one of the things that I have walked away with from this experience is the need to have a better spiritual connection.

I was raised without any religion in my life. My parents openly would discuss their spiritual beliefs and also share their personal opinions, but my brother and I were expected to find our own spiritual and/or religious path. I love my parents for that freedom and allowing me to be free of judgement, but...it's hard to believe in something larger in life when you never really have to think about. I have a basic level of beliefs...higher power, forgiveness and spirits but this week I have also realized that I have a lot of unanswered questions. I guess maybe that is more about having faith.

During the services I was moved by the words and passion of the minster. He was solid in his own beliefs and had a clear faith in life and death. It inspired me to explore more and find my own journey to faith. I'm not looking for organized religion because I don't need somebody to define "ideas" and "beliefs" for me to follow. I am looking for my spiritual connection for myself to have unwavering faith in MY LIFE AND IN MY DEATH.

So...this morning I got up and went to a service at the Denver Center for Spiritual Learning. That's number four! It wasn't the right connection for me but was a new experience for sure. So now I'll continue on my list of options...Taoist, Buddhist, Religious Science, meditation and whatever else I can explore.

Focus...

I have been writing the eulogy for my grandfather's funeral tomorrow for the last couple of days. I have tried to write in different settings in the hopes that eventually it would all just come flowing out of my mind and express what's in my heart. I was picked (or better yet TOLD) that I was the person selected to speak for the family. I have a history of impromptu toasts to my family and friends and so I guess those were the qualifications in being chosen. I didn't have the heart to say no although every nerve in my body is screaming that tonight.

Focus...I write a few words and then drift off to my "to do"list, back to the eulogy and then lists of blog ideas. You get the point! Expressing myself should be easier than this but I am so worried that my words may not adequately express the love and respect my family has for my grandpa. Sorting through a lifetime of events, actions, beliefs and memories is difficult to succinct into a few words.

But it's done...at least for now it's done. And I hope that more than anything I am able to share that my grandpa did what he thought was best for himself and his family his entire life. He worked hard, played hard and loved unconditionally. He was a rancher, a construction worker, an investor, a husband, a father, a grandpa, a brother and a friend. Expressing his love wasn't always easy but he did the very best he knew how to and continued to try more and more. But the one thing that I learned the most from my grandpa is the one thing that I can't share at his services. My grandpa made some choices out of the need for comfort and not the need to be true to himself. He taught me that this is the only life I'm going to get and I need to make choices to be happy.

Focus...think I just found it!!!!

Out of the shoot

The past week has been a blur with funeral arrangements, tackling my personal grief along with my father's. And then trying to fit in the normal day to day living has made things seem a bit of a cluster to say the least. But to top it all of my first time out of the shoot didn't work out so well.

I had a date recently. I know that should have made the list of new things but have decided to leave that off for now. The date was fun, exciting and made me feel appealing again (or at least started to) and we actually had a follow-up a few days later. And then smack life happened and my grandfather passed away so I put life on hold.

We exchanged a couple of phone calls, a few texts over the past week and then tonight I got an email telling me that she has also been on a few dates with another person and has decided that her focus is there for now. But...it would be great to be friends. REALLY???? Unflipping believable! I finally get the courage to put myself out there and the dates seem to be good only to find out I am good "friend" potential. Not really what I was looking for...

Dating sucks! I have a history of making a great friend but haven't been able to keep them connected to me for the long term. I know that Dr. Phil would ask what that says about me...I KNOW, I KNOW...and while I haven't figured it all out I am determined to do just that this year. But right now I have to scrape my self esteem off of the floor and try to convince myself to do it all again. Yuck!

Rest in peace

My grandpa died today. I know that there should be a better way to put it out there but honestly I just keep repeating that sentence in my head over and over. He has had ups and downs with health for several years but always came back strong and never lost the hope for it to get better. My grandpa had a lot of loss in his life, two brothers passing before he was 20, taking over a farm that he had little passion about, losing the love of his life (my grandma) when she was only 48 and spending the last several years with a wife who treated him less than kind. But...he was always optimistic about life and loved his family.

So this afternoon I hung up with my mom doing our weekly chat and five minutes later she called again. I answered ready to hear "just one more thing" and instead I heard tears...no words, and then those words again..."your grandpa just died." And then all at once everything seemed to stop for a second. We divided phone calls, a plan to get my dad home from work and in between I kept repeating that same sentence again and again.

I know that eventually we will be able to look back on the good moments and be grateful that he went so quickly. I know that eventually the raw pain will pass and that twinge of sadness will takes its place. But right now the pain is huge and seems to take up the room. The only words that came to mind when I talked to dad were I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for him because now he has no parents here to lean on and love. I could hear in his voice the sounds of a child sobbing for his daddy.

Knowing that my grandpa is gone seems unreal and at this moment I feel very empty and alone. I honored my dads wishes to give him time alone with my mom to grieve. But I realized this afternoon that I was not prepared to handle grief. My grandma passed when I was a very little girl and there are few memories of that experience. So I had no idea what that loss would really feel like now. And I have learned that grief is hard and even harder alone. I loved my grandpa and will miss so many things about him. And I pray that he is now with my grandma which I know he longed for forever.

Goodbye grandpa...I love you!

Number 3...

I have so many items to update but it's late and number 3 is the best that I can do right now. I have been trying to get in better shape, fit into a smaller size and overall just feel attractive again for a LONG time. And since you have been on that journey with me I thought it only fitting to make this my number 3.

Today I started a new program that is hard core working out, eating, planning, blah, blah, blah. But that isn't the new experience. My new experience was standing in front of two friends in my bra and underwear while they took "before" pictures, measurements and read my weight and body fat out loud! That is the new part. I put who I am fully out there for others to actually see and have to trust that they aren't home now talking about how I looked.

And while inside my heart was pounding and my mind racing with anxiety, I was able to laugh at myself again. I was able to say...this is who I am good or bad. And that is definitely a new experience.