Oct 31, 2007

I'm saying it out loud...

MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HAVING A BABY...OR NOT. I have mentioned in the past that having the baby urge both feels random and shocking. I spent my entire life believing that you are born knowing you are meant to be a parent and because I hadn't had that feeling I didn't need to really worry about the urge showing up later. But then WHAM!!!! it feels like I got knocked over the head.

I work with two women who are pregnant and suddenly I feel a knot in my stomach just listening to their experiences, dreams, goals. I have a friend who recently gave birth and I have avoided seeing simply because holding her baby may trigger a bigger feeling. I was talking with a friend today about the possibility of not ever having a child and that it might be something bigger than I can think about. I planned my life based on the knowledge that I love kids, but being the "primary" parent wasn't in the cards. So now that I have the baby thing going on...my life isn't set up for an easy decision. At some point there is a time when you have to think about your life and what you have to offer. That time seems to have begun for me and yet I don't feel like I have the tools to even consider new ideas.

So is saying out loud that I have the baby urge going to make it disappear or is it going to become the only thing I can think about? I'm not sure...but I do know that I always thought that if I was going to have a child it would have happened no later than 35. Hmmm...that doesn't give me much time.

Oct 30, 2007

Whirlwind Weekend

I jumped on a flight headed for Indiana on Friday night! I boarded another plane Sunday at 3:30 returning to Denver. I have become a semi-decent jet setter learning how to pack light, quickly and accept a moderate amount of turbulence. But this is not the point of this blog entry. The point is that from the outside my quick trip to Indiana may appear as simply a whirlwind weekend. Instead, the weekend was filled with excitement, laughter, fear, tears, joy, love and a few stolen moments. I was there for two reasons (okay...three). These are the same three reasons that I continue to pack bags and plan for the little moments...Melissa, Ellie and Cagney! This was a big weekend for Ellie because she turned four on Monday. Melissa planned the perfect princess party for Ellie including a enchanted cake, elaborate gift bags, fun food (fire pit included), a castle bounce house and even personalized CD's for the parents. Ellie is a very lucky little girl on a lot of different levels. Melissa was able to share this weekend with her son, ex-wife, sister, nephews, mom, dad, best friend, friends, Ellie's friends and parents myself and even Cagney. Ellie was able to enjoy every single moment without unnecessary structure, rules or limits.

Thank you Melissa for allowing me to be a part of you and Ellie's life. Watching that little girl grow has been such a life changing experience.

Oct 23, 2007

10,000 thoughts and more

I tell Melissa almost daily that I don't feel like a true "blogger". I started a blog because it felt like a place to share what was going on in my life, express feelings that were at times to difficult to say out loud and clear my head of obsessive thoughts. That is not blogging...or at least interesting blogging. Melissa tagged me the other day and I was suppose to write 7 "interesting" things about myself. Ugh! SEVEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT ME???? I couldn't come up with one interesting fact...and I don't think of myself as a boring person.

But I was thinking tonight on my drive home about the random thoughts in my head. How can a person who has that many random thoughts get so stuck on the thoughts and incapable of articulating any single item? So here is the beginning of those thoughts and maybe once they are in writing I will figure out how to finish a thought. For anybody who has read my previous blogs knows that being "stuck" is often my biggest enemy.

1. Will I ever gain control of my body...in every or any way?
2. How do I save the money needed to feel secure?
3. How did I end up in this career...how do I not have any idea what I really "want" to be when I grow up?
4. What does Chester do all day?
5. How does my handsoap turn from liquid to foam when I push the dispenser?
6. How do I fix all of the things I screwed up?
7. This is going to be Ellie's best Christmas and I'm not going to see. Can't wait for Melissa to experience the pure joy in bugs face.
8. What flights are going to work out?
9. Matthew is going to be so happy to be with Melissa and Ellie.
10. I would love if there was actually a dinner prepared for me when I walk through the door.
11. What is my lot in life.
12. Am I a jealous person? I don't like that about myself (never knew that about myself).

Do you see what I mean? That is just a sample of my thoughts this afternoon. I have those thoughts in my head 24 hours a day (nonstop). There is almost never an answer and I rarely feel comfort with the question.

Oct 16, 2007

Sands in an hourglass

I use to be amazed when people would talk about their life flashing in front of them and worrying about all the things that need to happen. I was a very little girl when my grandmother died of a heart attack...she was 48. And now I find myself thinking about all of the things that I have waited to experience that may not get to happen based on my genetics. Melissa keeps reminding me how important it is for me to deal with my stress level and find a way to get healthy. I agree with that 100%. Trying to put all of the pieces together, like a puzzle (my latest obsession) is an overwhelming task. I want to make a list of things that I want to see, experience and do in my lifetime. That's the work I am going to try and do on this blog. I want to deserve good things...do I?

Oct 15, 2007

Selling out

I have struggled my entire life trying to fight for equal treatment and respect for everybody...not just for myself...maybe never myself! That is an aha moment. I have been trying to figure out who I am and why it doesn't seem to fit any place. When I was a little girl my mom would dry my tears when my friends would turn on me for stupid reasons and she would always say "you are the kind of person who always give 150% to everything and you are never going to get 150% back...I'm sorry". The lesson my parents always hoped I would learn was really about "choosing my battles". I am now 34 years old and still am no better at picking my battles then I was at 13.

Integrity, honest and loyal were the three characteristics that meant the most to me in all of my relationships. I always wanted people who met me to use those three words to describe me...and maybe I am none of those. I think that there are people in my life that would describe me using thoses three characteristics. There are also people that describe me as a "bulldog" with no emotions, concerns and compassion. There are those people who would describe me as a sell-out. Am I a sell-out? Do I have any integrity? How do I get that person back? I don't want to be a sell out...

Oct 12, 2007

Rest at last

I realized this morning during a crazy whirlwind morning routine that maybe rest would be the perfect Friday evening. Sitting on my couch with Chester (he is all about bonding) in Melissa's Halloween pajama bottoms, soft gray shirt and my pink slippers from Ellie. I have the television playing, dinner is cooking and I'm drinking a Pepsi One. This is the perfect evening...except that I don't have Melissa and Ellie. I miss you both and am trying to keep the memories of last weekend to comfort me. I love you!