Oct 31, 2007

I'm saying it out loud...

MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HAVING A BABY...OR NOT. I have mentioned in the past that having the baby urge both feels random and shocking. I spent my entire life believing that you are born knowing you are meant to be a parent and because I hadn't had that feeling I didn't need to really worry about the urge showing up later. But then WHAM!!!! it feels like I got knocked over the head.

I work with two women who are pregnant and suddenly I feel a knot in my stomach just listening to their experiences, dreams, goals. I have a friend who recently gave birth and I have avoided seeing simply because holding her baby may trigger a bigger feeling. I was talking with a friend today about the possibility of not ever having a child and that it might be something bigger than I can think about. I planned my life based on the knowledge that I love kids, but being the "primary" parent wasn't in the cards. So now that I have the baby thing going on...my life isn't set up for an easy decision. At some point there is a time when you have to think about your life and what you have to offer. That time seems to have begun for me and yet I don't feel like I have the tools to even consider new ideas.

So is saying out loud that I have the baby urge going to make it disappear or is it going to become the only thing I can think about? I'm not sure...but I do know that I always thought that if I was going to have a child it would have happened no later than 35. Hmmm...that doesn't give me much time.


MB said...

Let's have a baby!!!

Jaded said...

I never considered having a child. I never really wanted one. I always joked that I was born without a biological clock. But, after being married for a few years, I found myself in the emergency room miscarrying a child I didn't even know I'd conceived. It was very early in the pregnancy. But at that moment, I was in love with that child, and in such deep mourning for the loss. I lost another pregnancy after that, only that time it was planned. I had my daughter at 36. I'd have had another if I could, but I wasn't able to.

So, first, If you really want a child, give it some serious consideration. That would be a big regret to live with if you just let the time pass by. Second, don't give yourself such a deadline. You can safely have kids after 35.

That's just my unsolicited advice. I wandered over here from MB's blog. We've been blog buddies for a long time!

Renaissance Woman said...

Welcome jaded...it was nice to see that somebody else actually reads my blog. And more than anything thank you for the unsolicited advice. I'm not about a deadline, but I am about wanting a child and trying to figure that out for myself.