Nov 1, 2007

Random thoughts...

I have said over and over again how random my thoughts are and how difficult it is for me to really focus. But I also have a strange obsessive tendancy that forces me to focus on those random thoughts over and over again! For example:

When I was a little girl my family struggled financially. I'm not sure that I knew that fact, but I was aware that my friends would have toys and clothes that we didn't have or talk about. In fact, my family would spend our Friday nights at the local Target store just looking at decorations, clothes, toys, etc. We didn't actually buy anything on these weekly trips...we just imagined what it would be like to afford all of the items that we loved. I remember that feeling everytime I enter a Target store. I have been known to spend hours walking through Target and actually leaving with two items!

I had tubes in my ears as a little girl to help with my reoccuring ear infections and also enhance my hearing. When I was in first grade, standing in the lunch line...I felt something fall inside my ear. I reached inside and pulled out a tiny little object that looked like a spool of thread. I spent the remainder of the day worried how to tell my parents that I had done something that forced my tube to fall out. I worried that we wouldn't have the money to fix my hearing, I worried that my parents would be disappointed that I wasn't more careful...I even worried that I would loose this little object and break my parents heart. Those were the thoughts that I could say outloud, but the thought inside my head that I have never said..."What if I never hear again? Then what happens to my life? Did I do something that this is what I deserve?" In the end...I finally broke down and told my parents four days later at bedtime. I apologized, offered to pay (because I had so much money in first grade) and promised to do better. My parents told me to relax...the tubes are suppose to fall out every year! HMMM! That is the story of my life!

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