Feb 25, 2008

Where did the oxygen go?

Grief is such a strange emotion. It's like a roller coaster that has highs and lows. At the best of moments, I am remember the sweet times, funny traits and love. At the low moments I find myself on my knees in tears remembering coming home and being greeted, sitting on the couch being lovers (my term of endearment)...even putting food on a plate. My grief has taken over my world and I keep trying to find a shallow place to stand up and breathe...even for a second.

I go to work and try to hide behind the stacks of paperwork, endless flow of kids and chatter of angry parents. And then it's time to go home...and I revert into a weeping, lonely person. I know in my head that grief takes time and is normal. But my heart is having a more difficult time catching up with logic. So for now, I am going to continue to push through the days and hope that one day I will remember all of the memories with tenderness but not emptiness.

Feb 21, 2008

Good-bye sweet boy...

I have feared this day for so long and yet when the final moment came, I felt completely unprepared to say goodbye to my best friend. Chester and I have been together since he was 6 weeks old and I was just beginning my life as an adult. We moved into our first apartment, purchased our first condo, first house, second house…you get the point. We have snuggled on the couch, played hide-n-seek, walked on a leash around the park and slept in the same bed for 17 years. Some of my best conversations have been with Chester, who always provided the appropriate facial expressions to match the words I pretended he said. We have danced around the house to Motown and watched fake fish swim to new age music on the television for relaxation purposes.

Many people would say that he lived a charmed life. Chester spent less than 10 nights alone in his 17 years. He spent many weekends and holidays at his grandparent’s house where they spoiled him uncontrollably. Chester and my mom would takes walks in her garden, sit together while she worked from home and fight over reading the paper (he would want to sleep on the one place she was reading). He and my dad would sit on their chair and watch TV glancing at each other periodically and occasionally Chester would even get to sit him his lap and purr. The goal was always to make sure that somebody would be around to give Chester attention, love and FOOD (the one thing he always wanted).

Chester loved to ride around in cars and liked controlling the steering wheel even more. He would always greet people with excitement in hopes that they may actually hold him in their lap and pet his soft, furry coat. He would meow to get your attention and never would a sound come out of his mouth. He would lie in between Melissa and me to make sure he got equal attention. Chester could be stubborn and when he was awake thought that everybody in the house should be awake as well. He would walk around the house pawing at doors, jumping on heads and even giving a “love tap” with his claw…usually to your forehead.

Chester has been my best-friend, my little boy…my constant for 17 years. He helped sooth rough times, heal sicknesses, inspire happiness and joy and ultimately love me UNCONDITIONALLY. Looking back on the life I provided him, I would change only a few things…I would give more kisses, snuggle more often and even let him eat “human” food regardless of what his vet told me. I whispered in his ear last night minutes before his injection…”I love you sweet boy and I can never thank you enough for loving me.”

He is my perfect, sweet, kind friend who a place in my heart that can never be touched. I hope that you are healthy, happy and at peace now Chester. I am sorry that the end had to finally come…I will miss you and love you forever.

Feb 13, 2008


...Melissa's Vegas post that is. I love Vegas because it is so unreal and larger than life. In fact, when you stand on the Vegas strip and look around, life feels like a fantasy that is all sparkles, glitter and polish. Well, except for the hundreds of men and women passing out cards of naked women with numbers and prices. But let's go back to the fantasy part of Vegas. I read Melissa's post and thought she had taken the exact thoughts and feelings out of my head.

So here are my top ten highlights of Vegas.

1. Spending every second with Melissa. I know, I know...I'm sure that it sounds a bit much, but it's not. I enjoyed every minute we spent talking, crying, laughing, playing, sleeping and just being. That in itself was worth every second.

2. My love...seeing the look on Melissa's face when she opened her birthday present. And then we actually were able to contact the designer and have them make changes specifically to meet our expectations. That's amazing service!

3. Tattoo...plus 2. Ha...that would make the 4 looking symbol that both of us now have on our arms. Melissa and I have matching tattoo's and have promised that the strength symbol describes how and what we get from each other.

4. Tattoo...continued. Melissa's best friend Christa got her first tattoo ever and it was so much fun to be there for that experience.

5. The Go-Room at The Flamingo. I arrived a day before everybody else and spent the night in one of the worst rooms ever...at the Flamingo. And then we upgraded and the rooms were amazing. The views were amazing. The experience was amazing. It was old Hollywood glamour, Pink, pink, pink everywhere (my favoriate color) and they have LIVE FLAMINGO'S! Now that is worth a visit.

6. Spending time with great people. Nan and Dar are our friends from Colorado and it is always great to spend time with them. They are comforting and always make me feel relaxed. But meeting Christa (Melissa's best friend) was one of the best experiences. I got to see Melissa through her friends eyes. I got to learn more about the person I love as a young woman and see how she has grown into the woman I love today. Christa is truly a kind, sweet, funny and inspiring woman.

7. Playing blackjack at Planet Hollywood. I won and lost and walked away with $1. Yep, $1. But the experience was great regardless of the amount I walked away with. We laughed, learned and cheered each other on...GO GIRL POWER!

8. Strawberries in bed. We got chocolate and coconut covered strawberries from a pastry shop in the Bellagio. We took our treats back to the hotel and when we woke up...strawberries in bed!

9. Drag show was so fun! Vegas has so many shows it's hard to pick which is the "must see". Lucky Cheng's was the perfect for all of us!

10. 70 degrees. There is nothing like walking in the warm sun holding hands with your partner to make you feel alive.

Feb 5, 2008

Yes we can

I was inspired several times throughout my day...and each time it was because of a woman. First, I read Melissa's post about females in power, role models and presidency. And I found myself standing at my desk clapping at her speech to empower all women to elect Hillary Clinton. I also agree with her point that it is very important to surround yourself with strong, confident women.

Later in my day, inspiration came through my friend Jodi. Yes, she is a strong and confident women, but more than all of that, she is solid. We supported each other through anger, frustration, laughter and tears. And today, she shared with me that her father has been diagnosed with cancer (again) and admitted her feeling of helplessness. It takes courage to admit weakness and I was inspired by her honesty and vulnerability.

Lastly, I spent a few minutes with my best friend this evening. I explained her situation in this post just last week. And she shared her plan to address the issue with her husband and eventually their relationship. She has spent time using her brain and separating her emotions from her decisions. She has laid out a very clear plan and reserved her tears for me...not him; at least today. I left her reminded that we are strong people capable of dealing with what ever comes our way.

I don't have the skills to write such an inspirational message as Melissa, but I hope that I can share my passion. Women are so strong and amazing and capable of moving moutains and building bridges. We have to be better role models for each other. We have to demand honesty, integrity, strength and reliability. We have to build each other up...not tear each other apart! Thank you Melissa, Jodi and Catherine...you each reminded me today why I am so proud to be a woman!

Feb 4, 2008

Scale moves...finally

Okay, I told all of you that I was going to try and loose the extra ass that has grown over the past year. So I have been working out very hard, trying to control my eating. I have avoided eating for comfort or to ease my stress. And I'm happy to report...I have officially lost 9.5 pounds! Now I only have about 20.5 more to go. So for today...I'll take what I can get.

Feb 3, 2008

It's a brother-sister thing

I have one brother and when we were kids I considered him to be my BFF. He is three years older and always made me feel like his only job was to protect and hang out with me...ALL OF THE TIME! I truly was that annoying little sister who tagged along every where. And never once did he complain. I'm sure that there were times when he would beg my parents to keep me behind, but always in the end my brother would always ask me to join and I would always say yes. He was my best friend and the person I asked all the important questions of regarding alcohol, drugs, sex...the minor stuff. If I was sad, my brother would listen and give advice...and usually would threaten somebody to fix what was messed up.

As we became adults, my brother married and began living his own life. The adult version of my brother was extremly opposite from the boy that I grew up with. Our opposing political beliefs caused constant friction and opened the door for other traits to become more and more annoying. Yet he still my brother, my family and I will always love him. I have questioned where the boy I knew went and have worried that I would never see him again. And then this weekend he reappeared at the perfect moment. I spent time with him yesterday and he gave advice, smiled and asked if there was anything else he could do. And today I was dropping off my niece and we decided to have a quick drink. I sat across a table listening to his stories of family, work and play. And then he stopped talking, looked across the table and smiled. And at that moment we were kids again and I had my BFF back! So today, I will take that moment and accept that we do have different beliefs as adults. I know that he loves me and will always be my big brother whose priority is to love and protect.

Feb 2, 2008


That is exactly what I can come up with to write about. My thoughts are all over the place and I can't seem to put words down about anything in particular. So for now...I am going to ask myself questions. Maybe then I will have something interesting to share.