Jan 28, 2008

Little Miss Insecurity

I am generally described as confident, independent and strong. I love that description of myself because it generally means that people don't need to worry about me and in my mind people that makes me a better friend, family, partner...you get the point. But there is also a side of me that is extremely insecure. That side of me is a secret, my secret (or I guess not so much now). I was raised to believe that you don't share your insecurities...that people don't like people are aren't 100% confident. So I have battled those insecurities and some of them I have won, but there are a few that hang on so tight. My top insecurity comes from experience, feedback and fear. My experience has shown that my strength, confidence and independence create a magnetic experience for people...in the beginning. There are some people that are drawn to me as friends, co-workers, strangers and partners. But as time goes by, it has the opposite effect and people begin to pull away from me. My biggest insecurity is that I don't have the qualities that make people want to stick.

Today my friend found out that her husband has been "talking" with some random lady on-line. The story is that they have been chatting about life, work, fun but nothing sexual, although I'm not sure that is that clear at this point. Although as a women I believe that sharing life information (not sex) is more personal than having an sexual relationship. But back to my friend, what is clear is that he kept it a secret...and in fact he kept my friend a secret. I have done things that I'm not proud of, but I would never pretend that I wasn't in a relationship with Melissa when talking with somebody else. She is part of me and I value that relationship. No new "friendship" is worth loosing my partner and betraying her trust is me and us.

So I told Melissa the story of my friend today and we talked about the pain and possible outcomes. And in the middle of supporting my friend, Melissa assured me that she tells people about me. I love her for knowing my insecurity and feeling that it was important to reassure me. But I know that she wouldn't hurt me in that way. I also know that it made me worry that she would feel exhausted from feeling like I needed constant reassurance. Maybe something that we have learned since living so far apart. We have learned that it is important to be honest and remind each other how important our relationship is to one another.

As for my friend...she doesn't deserve what has happened. She is an amazing person who deserve only good things in life and has recently had a ton of shit. My dear friend, you are smart, caring, and compassionate and those are the qualities that I will share about you to everybody who will listen. I don't know how this is going to end, but I do know that you deserve better and I will be here to remind you.

4 comments:

Suze said...

I dated a guy a long, long time ago. After we broke up, in the upcoming years he became very wealthy, had a family and seemed to have it all. I wondered if maybe I was crazy to have broken up with someone who obviously was a go-getter. I spoke with him about five years after and he married and had a child. He spoke absolutely horribly about his wife - complaining about all her faults, etc. I knew right then that I was so lucky to have not ended up with him. I know my husband would never speak badly of me.

So it's nice to know that you have someone who loves you. Great post!

Queeny said...

We all harbor a little insecurity, I believe. I'm so sorry your friend is going through a rough patch right now. So good she has you to lean on.

Thanks for stopping by.

MB said...

C is so lucky to have you...and so am I. Honesty is best - that is something we've built our relationship on...we know how it can hurt.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I would be crushed if I found out my husband had a secret from me. We don't tell each other everything, but always the important stuff.

When I was in my early 20's I dated a guy for like 6 months before I realized that he had never introduced me to any of his friends or family who lived in the same city. When I broke up with him he acted all surprised and heartbroken. I later found out that he was engaged to someone else the whole time. What a sham.