Jan 29, 2008

Most memorable travels

I was inspired to write about some of my most memorable travels by The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch. I have always dreamed of visiting every state to explore the different attractions and learn to really appreciate the United States. I haven't actually done a ton of travels, but there have been a few that I can NEVER forget.

Las Vegas, NM
This is nothing like LAS VEGAS BABY!!! It is small, dirty, run down and usually a place that you only stop if your out of gas or about to pass out. I was only 21 and my dear friend and I set off to party in Arizona for spring break. And around 2:30 a.m. we decided that it was time to take a break and get some sleep. And the local motel (actually the only motel) had a vacancy sign! The rooms has 1970's emerald green shag rugs (these shags were so long that I am sure small creatures had created a town hidden inside). We went into our rooms and were literally afraid to touch anything!!! We went into the bathroom and there were pubic hairs on the floor, toilet and in the sink! What the hell is a pubic hair doing in the sink! We laughed out of disgust and fear but decided that we still needed sleep. So we took off all of clothes and laid on them on bed while we slept on top making sure nothing touched the actual bedspread. And then seconds before we drifted off to sleep, three men walked by our doors and the pressure of their footsteps broke the seal on our door and it swung open. Three men standing outside our door looking inside while two naked girls (we did have our socks, panties and bras on) were lying on top of their clothes! We all screamed...and then we decided that sleep was an over rated activity.

Largest Prairie Dog
Last summer Melissa and I (and her dog Cagney) began our journey to move Melissa back to Indianapolis. We decided that this trip was going to be fun and full of new experiences. After we had been on the road for an hour, we began to see the signs advertising "Worlds Largest Prairie Dog" exit in Kansas. Melissa looked at me and said, "I wonder what that looks like!" and I responded with an excited..."let's go see!" There we were standing inside a very run down shack paying two women $20 a piece so that we could go experience this wonderfully exciting adventure. DO NOT PASS GO!!! Before we could even go outside to see the prairie dog we had to walk past a cage full of rattle snakes. Actually, I don't know if anything was actually still alive inside the cage because the smell of rotten animal was so powerful that we were running for the door. And then we entered HELL! There were goats, squirrels, chickens and bugs everywhere. They were just running around in the dry, dirt following those of us who were stupid enough to pay money for this experience. We were stalked by a goat, saddened by the caged coyote and then we saw them. We saw two cows who had extra legs! Yes, I said that...extra legs! One of the cows had a leg growing out his shoulder and would hit himself in the head every time he moved. The other cow had an extra leg growing out of his ass! And we stood there is trauma. We left as soon as we could (well we did take a quick picture of the cow for proof of this experience). All of that and that stupid prairie dog...it is made out of cement!!!

Las Vegas, NV
I love Las Vegas!!! The real Las Vegas! But last year I got stuck an extra night by myself because I was flying standby and didn't get a flight. So at midnight I asked a taxi driver to find me a cheap motel close to the airport. Two minutes later I was checking into a motel for $24 and climbing a set of stairs to my room, which was located on top of a bar (open 24 hours a day). My room was dirty, the area was scary and I was sad and alone! So I tried to turn on a lamp, but it was just for show and had no actual cords. I tried to use the phone and call the desk, but it also was for show...had no cords. I turned on the television and staring back at me was Melissa's ex! True story...she was part of a film and the commercials had just begun. I decided it was time to just sleep, so I tried to set the alarm clock and yet again...no cords. So there I was in my dumpy motel room in Vegas, cold, tired, no lights, no phone, with her ex on the T.V. Not the best night in Vegas!

I have had some great trips in my life, but these trips stand out in my life as memorable. Glad I could share.

Jan 28, 2008

Little Miss Insecurity

I am generally described as confident, independent and strong. I love that description of myself because it generally means that people don't need to worry about me and in my mind people that makes me a better friend, family, partner...you get the point. But there is also a side of me that is extremely insecure. That side of me is a secret, my secret (or I guess not so much now). I was raised to believe that you don't share your insecurities...that people don't like people are aren't 100% confident. So I have battled those insecurities and some of them I have won, but there are a few that hang on so tight. My top insecurity comes from experience, feedback and fear. My experience has shown that my strength, confidence and independence create a magnetic experience for people...in the beginning. There are some people that are drawn to me as friends, co-workers, strangers and partners. But as time goes by, it has the opposite effect and people begin to pull away from me. My biggest insecurity is that I don't have the qualities that make people want to stick.

Today my friend found out that her husband has been "talking" with some random lady on-line. The story is that they have been chatting about life, work, fun but nothing sexual, although I'm not sure that is that clear at this point. Although as a women I believe that sharing life information (not sex) is more personal than having an sexual relationship. But back to my friend, what is clear is that he kept it a secret...and in fact he kept my friend a secret. I have done things that I'm not proud of, but I would never pretend that I wasn't in a relationship with Melissa when talking with somebody else. She is part of me and I value that relationship. No new "friendship" is worth loosing my partner and betraying her trust is me and us.

So I told Melissa the story of my friend today and we talked about the pain and possible outcomes. And in the middle of supporting my friend, Melissa assured me that she tells people about me. I love her for knowing my insecurity and feeling that it was important to reassure me. But I know that she wouldn't hurt me in that way. I also know that it made me worry that she would feel exhausted from feeling like I needed constant reassurance. Maybe something that we have learned since living so far apart. We have learned that it is important to be honest and remind each other how important our relationship is to one another.

As for my friend...she doesn't deserve what has happened. She is an amazing person who deserve only good things in life and has recently had a ton of shit. My dear friend, you are smart, caring, and compassionate and those are the qualities that I will share about you to everybody who will listen. I don't know how this is going to end, but I do know that you deserve better and I will be here to remind you.

Jan 27, 2008

Can I just tell you something?

I say that phrase so many times that I have lost count. And I'm not really sure why I ask because the truth be told...I am going to say something either way. Hmm, may need to rethink that phrase. But that is not the point. Here is my point! I started to write this blog because I was hoping for advice on how to be a better partner, advice on living so far apart and I also wanted to share my love for Melissa and Ellie. And while I have learned that I can talk about other things, I am always happy to share my heart through stories of Melissa and bug.

I wanted to share with all of you fellow bloggers' that I miss my partner. I miss my partner and her daughter. I miss my partner, her daughter and their dog. We live 1,000 miles apart and have to depend on stolen moments where we can talk on the phone, quick text messages, emails and sometimes just blogging. We are determined to figure this out! And while there are times we feel lost, it is worth working to stay together.

Last night Melissa took bug to the hospital in the middle of the night. Melissa, who is feeling terrible and can barley speak...she packed up bug in the cold and rushed her to the hospital. I spoke with her on the way, at the hospital and on the way home. And every time I just wanted to reach out and hold her hand and be together. I wanted to kiss bugs face and tell her that it would be okay.

We are grateful for the moments that we get. We have to push through the hard times and remember the good ones as well. I would tell all of you...love the people you are with and be grateful that you are in the same space. Melissa has a big birthday coming on Wednesday and it will be hard not to be together and celebrate. We are going to Las Vegas the following week and I am counting down to the moment Melissa and I are together for four solid days of togetherness.

Thanks for letting me share!

Jan 25, 2008


I was tagged by Melissa

The Rules:

A) Link to the person that tagged you.
B) Post the rules on your blog.
C) Share six non important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
D) Tag at least three people at the end of your post like to your blog.
E) Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving comments on their blogs.
F) Let the fun begin!!!

Random things about me!

1) I touch my stomach (to check at the size) about 100 times a day. I'm not sure why...it doesn't change every second.

2) The minute I sit in my car after work a symphony of farts begin. Good thing that I don't carpool!

3) I tell Chester (my cat), Melissa and Ellie (who are in Indianapolis) good night and I love them minutes before I fall asleep. None of them can hear me or even respond.

4) I can walk on the knuckles of my toes.

5) I fell on a pitch fork as a little girl and there is a scar on my leg that you can still feel the hole.

6) I can't stand not having lotion on my hands at all times. In fact, if I can't find lotion nothing else can be done.

Tag...your it!

Lady who doesn't lunch

Not easy being queen



Jan 21, 2008

My list

Today I went to a memorial service for a teacher that worked in my building. Actually, he and I grew up together until high school and I use to tell him we were going to get married. Luke was so cute, sweet and SO SHY! The memorial service was perfect and was exactly what he always wanted.

Do you ever ask yourself what kind of memorial service you will have? I have a "list." My list started out of a genuine place of concern because I live alone. So I would tell my parents and the people in my office that if I don't show and don't call come find me...something is wrong. Then my list began to include people to call (Melissa first), to make sure that I have clothes on and I'm not bloated. I have detailed my funeral and memorial services. Part of it is a joke, part of it is feeling in control of an out of control experience. I am afraid of death on every level. So having a list makes me feel in control.

In the end, I hope to make a difference in people's lives. I hope to have made people laugh and hopefully learn something new. I hope to have been loyal enough that people felt valued and important. I hope to be remembered...as a good person to everybody!

Do you have a list? I would love to hear more.

Jan 19, 2008

What is that attached to my butt?

Remember that part of my New Year's resolution was to loose weight. Actually, my resolution was to get "healthy" in every sense and since the first I have struggled with what that really looks like. So I decided that there has to be one goal at a time...weight loss is number 1. So last week I started a program and did an average job following diet and exercise. And Monday morning I stood on the scale in disbelief that I had actually gained one pound. How does that happen? The three pitchers of beer I had last Friday may have impacted my weight...but who knew!

So this week I am making that announcement to everybody...I AM FAT!!! I don't mean that I'm ready to staple my stomach...I have an issue with vomit and I hear that it's common when you do that procedure! But that is still not the point. I am 30 pounds over weight and tired of not feeling comfortable in my own skin or fitting into my jeans. 2008 will hopefully bring good things to all. And I am ready to bring myself something good through acceptance of who I am.

Jan 18, 2008

Mr. Jangles

I love "The Green Mile" on so many levels. In fact, I have been telling the people in my office to be gentle with the over abundance of mice that seem to have taken control of our building. I keep reminding them of Mr. Jangles and that all creatures deserve some kindness and not just DEATH! That is until I shared a potty break with a mouse!

I was at work tonight until 9:00 and SO ready to be done. I went to the restroom and was washing my hands when I SAW IT! Yes!!!!! I saw an actual mouse run behind me INSIDE THE BATHROOM. I started to scream as if I was being tortured and that mouse ran so quickly and actually smooshed (is that a word) itself under the door. And then I stood there...just waiting. Not really sure what I waiting for, but I was intrigued by the fact that a mouse can get through a little tiny crack in a door. It is creepy that their bones allow such a thing. But I was also very aware at that moment this was not Mr. Jangles and that he had no hidden gifts for me or mankind! This was a simply a MOUSE or better described a RODENT...dirty, creepy and scary.

In the end, I am most grateful that the mouse ran out after I used the restroom...that would have been a little more embarrassing!

Jan 16, 2008

Random events...

I had dinner tonight with a friend who has always described me as her "show up friend"...the person who sticks by her no matter what happens. But I left dinner feeling disappointed that she has not stuck by my side for the past year. I felt hurt that I have given 100% and I'm not getting that back...not even half (maybe). But the part of my personality that believes in showing up and standing by the people I love reminded me that she is a friend. And maybe I should do less judging about her need to pull away and more understanding about the difficulties in her life. So I walked in my back door and two things happened.

Chester greeted me with pure joy that I was home. And as I bent down to pick him up, Staci called. Staci and I have been friends since we were 15 years old. We were two wild girls who loved to party, laugh and avoid any drama possible. Staci and I don't talk on a regular basis, but when we do it's like only a second has passed. She always listens, supports, cracks a joke and ALWAYS tells the brutal truth. I can depend on her honesty (even if it hurts) and I can always depend on her saying..."I love you...tomorrow is a new day and maybe we'll win the lottery. Can't hurt to hope!" Every conversation we have had over the past 14 years Staci has always ended with the same sentence. So I sat on my couch, listening to her parting words, holding Chester and feeling grateful for the important people in my life. (In no particular order) Chester, Melissa, Ellie, Kayla, mom, dad, Catherine, Todd, Tanya, Jodi, Karey, Staci...those are the top 11 but there are so many more.

I love you...tomorrow is a new day and maybe we'll win the lottery. Can't hurt to hope!

Jan 10, 2008

Change, change, change

...but who is the best candidate for change? Selecting the next President has never felt so exciting and frightening at the same time.

I turned 18 during an election year...the first Clinton year. I waited my entire life to VOTE! Voting was a way to change the world. So my first election night came and I stood outside in the cold for an hour waiting for my turn to cast a vote. And then in that moment I stood in fear. Fear that my decision could be wrong and that the United States would have to pay for that decision. Punching a hole into a piece a paper could ultimately change history. I was so young, crazy and idealistic. Standing up for something, voting to create change, voicing and debating concerns to all who could hear. I believed in all of those ideas and hope to continue until my last ballet is cast.

So here we are in 2008 and the democratic party has decided to take a leap forward. The decision of the next democratic candidate will ultimately be made between nominating a Woman or an African-American. In a time that women continue to be paid less then their male peers, Hilary Clinton is showing that women can aim for the top. Barack Obama proves that equality should be applicable to ALL human beings while stories such as Jena Six continue to top the news. I am so proud to live in the United States and support people like our two candidates who embrace the idea that this IS the land of the free and that EVERYBODY has endless potential.

It takes courage to step out of the norm and put yourself in a place where criticism and judgement are constant. Regardless of the final outcome, Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama have shown their courage and passion for change. Unfortunately, these two candidates are rarely described by their politics. Barack Obama has a "blue print" that describes his inspiring political views and election promises. http://www.barackobama.com/issues/ Hilary Clinton's campaign http://www.hillaryclinton.com/issues/ discusses her beliefs and bold statements of change. Both of these websites give fantastic information that describes the "whole" candidate...not just gender and race.

I am clearly a democrat so I admit that I didn't discuss the "other" candidates. But I believe in standing up for the things that are important and I believe that the two primary democratic candidates stand for issues that pertain to me and the world I hope to live. Read, learn and be informed about the leader of our country. Dream, hope and rejoice for the potential for changing the "President of the United States" image. But the most important thing that each and every person should do...VOTE! This is your opportunity to give back, stand up, speak out and make a difference. This is the chance that every person 18 years and older has to create history and define a new era.

Jan 8, 2008

Cut a new path

I have been reading all of those amazing blogs out there and feel inadequate. I have been trying to figure out how to create inspiring, creative blog entries. How to share my feelings, opinions, humor and more in a way that represents myself in a positive manner.

One of my favorite authors is Maya Angelou. She wrote a book about creating the life you want and presenting yourself in a positive light. In fact, she said that if you don't like that path that you are on then you can either choose to stay in that place or cut a new path. I want to be a better writer and express myself in a more creative way. So I am going to take a break from blogging and try to cut a new path. I want to explore more creative ways to express myself, views, stories and maybe just to make people smile. I want to feel proud of myself for the effort and the final product. So, I may be blogging tomorrow because I have been inspired over night or I may not blog for some time. If anybody actually reads this...I hope you will check back to see my new path.

Jan 6, 2008

Joining the crowd

Tomorrow is the day that I am going to start my resolution...along with everybody else! I promised myself that 2008 is the year that I will get healthy on every level. Creating a budget, connecting with friends, researching career opportunities, being a better partner, creating inner strength and peace and finally...I am going to loose weight! I know...the correct statement is about improving my diet and exercise to make my body healthier. And all of that is true. But today I just want to loose weight.

So why does a diet and exercise program always start on Monday. I read an article once that said that it is okay to begin a fitness program on days other than Monday and yet I am still determined to have everything start tomorrow. I am going to work on myself in 2008 to be healthy, happy and strong. But it's not going to start tonight, it is going to start in the morning...on Monday!

Jan 5, 2008

Oh Britney

Melissa won't like this post, but when will it be enough for Britney to grow up. This is a person who has a ton of money, people who are concerned for her, opportunity for help...she has all of the tools to get herself together. And yet Britney continues to put her little boys in danger. I do understand that life can go out of control and I believe that Britney lost control over her life a long time ago. But the minute she decided to have babies, she gave up the right to give up on herself and she owes it to them to pull herself together. I don't believe that Britney wants help and I don't want to help Britney...I'm sorry Melissa. I would like to help those little boys. I would like to pick them up, give them hugs and feed them a good meal. I would like to show them that not all women are crazy and selfish. I would like to show them that life can be calm, quiet and solid.

I have been searching my soul about having a child and I have thought about every pro and con. And my first reaction to her latest story is...if Britney can have children so can I. But "having" a child doesn't make a person a parent. I'm sorry little boys...I'm sorry that your mom refuses to get it together.

Jan 3, 2008

2007 Meme

I read Kelly's blog and was inspired to do her 2007 meme (I really just want to be part of "the cool people") so here it goes.

1. Where did you begin 2007?
Melissa and I were sitting in her bedroom in our pj's eating Pei Wei and watching the ball drop on TV!

2. Did you have to go to the hospital?
I did go to the hospital in 2007, but I went with Melissa not for myself. I hope that there are no hospital visits for any of us in 2008.

3. Did you have any encounters with the police?
I was pulled over one time for running a stop sign (which I'm still not sure that I actually did). But never bigger than that...in 2007 that is!

4. Where did you go on vacation?
Hmmm. I went to Indianapolis but that wasn't really for "vacation" but to visit and spend time with Melissa and bug. I also went to LAS VEGAS ...I love Vegas! I drove through several states when Melissa and I moved her back to Indianapolis. I want to go to more places...great places!

5. What did you purchase that was over $500?
My house!!! WOW...wish it was under $500! I bought a new TV, air conditioner (so worth the money in July!), a new water heater (which is doesn't produce enough hot water for one shower a day), washer and dryer (dryer twice...bad purchase on the first one from private seller) and dish washer. I think that is all for 2007! I would be rich if I didn't buy all of those items! Hmm!

6. Did you know anybody who got married, had a child, or passed away?
No marriages. Mary and Lisa had baby Mac (and he is so cute). Nobody passed away...I'm hoping for the same record in 2008!

7. What sporting events did you attend?
Do high school events count? I have been to so many high school sporting events (part of my job) that I should receive a Letter for participation. Melissa and I went to a Nuggets basketball game early part of 2007.

8. What concerts/shows did you go to?
I went to Cheetah Girls with Kayla (her first concert). I saw the Lion King (twice), Symphony Christmas concert and I think that there was one more show that I went to but I can't remember.

9. Where do you live now?
I live in Colorado. I live in Park Hill...on Cherry Street. Bug told me this week that she wants to call it Strawberry Street.

10. Describe your birthday.
My birthday was fun and I had a great time. It was also mixed with so many different emotions. Melissa and bug moved a week after so my birthday was mixed with different emotions. It's always fun to have a birthday...but I was sad to see them leave.

11. What's the one thing you thought you would never do, but did in 2007?
This is a great question! I gained weight again...which I thought wouldn't happen again. I enjoyed too much food and exercised so little so there really was no other choice then to get bigger. I thought and expressed the idea of having a baby. Bought a house in Park Hill. Moved Melissa and bug to another state. I just re-read the question and realize that there was only suppose to be one thing but I did so many things I never thought that I would do, but if I have to answer one...moving Melissa and bug tops the list.

12. What's something you learned about yourself?
I learned that it is important to keep your mind open to any and all possibilities.

13. Any new additions to your family?

14. What was your best month?
March. I got a great price for my house and bought a new house that I love. I was celebrating with Melissa. Bug was bonding to me. Friends were reaching out to reconnect. March was full of potential!

15. What music will you remember 2007 by?
Fergi...Big Girls Don't Cry. There have been so many great songs, but this song has a place in my heart.

16. Made new friends?
Reconnected with a couple of friends. But there are no new friends.

17. Favorite night out?
I have had some great nights out...but either old age is taking over my mind or I had to many drinks. I can't remember any one night as the best!

18. Any regrets?
Yes...and I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for these regrets.

19. What do you want to change in 2008?
ME!!!! I want to be healthier in every way. I want to either love my job or find a job that I can love. I want to be happy and I want the people I love to be happy.

26. Do you have a New Year's resolution?
Yes, I want to be healthier in every way! See question 19. But I also want to travel to different places.

28. Be honest, did you watch American Idol?
No. I haven't watched this since Kelly won.

30. Will you be happy to see 2007 go?
Yes. This year has been filled with ups and downs, but I'm ready to have more ups.

Welcome 2008!

I have just returned to an empty and silent house after dropping Melissa and bug off at the airport. The security lines moved so quickly that we were forced to make our good-byes quick but were not any less painful. Before they left, Melissa and I talked about 2008 and what we were both hoping would change and improve in our lives. So I thought mentioning all of the great things that have happened in the new year was a good place to start. I spent ten amazing days with Melissa and Bug. I saw a couple amazing movies that recharged me to make a difference in the world. My parents gave me the perfect Christmas gift...they hired professional painters to do two of my rooms in this new house. The colors are exciting, new and fresh. And Chester pushed pass some health issues and will be my companion again for another year.

As for what is yet to come...I want to be healthier. I know that it sounds very general, but I want to be healthier in every way. I want to loose weight and get stronger. I want to train my body for some activity (running, biking, hiking); I want to feel more secure financially, I want my soul to be healthier. I want to feel important and full of purpose. I want 2008 to be the year that I got healthy! I want to be a good partner, parent, aunt, daughter, sister, friend and employee! This year has unlimited potential!