Feb 25, 2007

Where do I fit????

I have spent my entire life feeling like an outsider watching the world go round. I was never smart enough, athletic enough, skinny enough...maybe it's easier to just say "not enough". I've spent every moment of my life planning how to do better and ultimately find my place in the world. I pursued career that were "safe" and identified as solid decisions. Currently, I am in the education field and question my role, skills and direction on a moment by moment basis. I always felt stupid in school and now I work in the same environment. So now I walk the halls and question my intelligence and ability to be successful. My heart aches most mornings for a career which challenges me and allows me to feel good about myself. My friends are important to me and yet I feel like there is a role I'm expected to play. I know that belonging should be easy, but for me it constantly elude me. Being comfortable in my own skin has been the primary struggle for as long I as can remember. I am not comfortable or satisfied and that creates a cycle of starving, binging and loathing. And then finally there is my personal life. I have been single the majority of my adult life and have felt comfortable in that decision. For the past year, I have been involved with a wonderful person. When we first got together I felt freedom and pure joy. And over the year I have learned so much about myself. But now I stand alone. Alone in a world that is a mystery to me. Alone because I do not fit in any category. I do not fit in the role that even my partner believed. I am just alone right now and forced to figure out the next step in my life. The real question is...will I ever fit? Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?

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