Stop the insanity

Oh my friends, you have all been great. You read my blog and post comments and I look forward every day to hearing from my virtual friends. I know that in the past I have thought about taking a break, but tonight I have decided that it is NECESSARY to just stop for awhile. I will continue to read your blogs and make little comments from time to time, but the only thing that I find myself writing about is my pain and confusion. And it's time to stop...stop the insanity.

She talks about finding herself and liking who she is now. And more than anything she has clearly moved on. I found out tonight that she has been in a relationship and they have already fallen in love and started a full fledged relationship. And that information has simply taken my breathe away. It has only been a short time and I am left to realize that she didn't feel the way that I have. The love she claimed to feel for me was not true and in fact she already moved on and I must not have been worth much if it is so easy to forget and move on. Less than two months ago we were saying we loved each other, we were meant to be together forever and would make this work. And now ...somebody else is the person she loves and making plans with. I have lost the person that I love so much, I have lost my family, I have lost my best friend...and so much more than I am not going to write. I am not perfect and I guess I should have told her what to do and not supported her in all of her needs to make decisions and find her way. Maybe then I would be lying here next to her writing a blog about our upcoming summer break. But I didn't do it that way, I tried to just love and support her and trust that when she told me we would always be together that she was being honest. I have worried about what to say or share, but in the end this is my blog, my feelings, my heart. I had been holding out hope that there would be a happy ending for us but now know the ending will be solo (on my part). So I need to get away from thinking and talking about what to do and I need to address my heart. I need to heal and this blog currently reminds me of her and us on a daily basis.

I promise that I will return. I will return only when or if I heal and have other things that occupy my mind, heart...life. I can't just snap my fingers and move or fall in love like she has. I still have feelings that make that impossible. I promise that your lives will be much more interesting for me to read than mine is to write. So for now, please understand that it's just too much. See you around.

Neglected mom

I'm sorry everybody...I know that you were all hoping that the next post would show you a picture of my ugly hair and I did try, but it broke the camera! So while I'm waiting for a new camera I realized that I forgot to say anything about my mom for Mother's Day.

I wrote a post about my dad and how much he means to me, but I didn't really say much about my mom. My mom is a strong woman who has a very gentle and emotional side. But rarely does she share that side of herself because she believes that people will take advantage of a tender heart. People who know me know that I love my mom but we also agree that it's best if there is limited weekly contact. She use to tell me that she was the alpha in our home and there wasn't going to be enough room for both of us as adults. WOW...she was so right! But all of that said, my mom makes me laugh and reminds me when it's time to pull myself together.

I know that there are parts of myself that my mom doesn't agree with or understand, but I also know that she feels strongly that only she can have those negative feelings...nobody else in the world is allowed to treat me that way. And while that is dysfunctional, I love that she always has my back! I'm not sure that this really pays tribute to my mom in the way that it is intended, but honestly I wouldn't trade my mom for the world. She loves me, defends me and supports me even when I disappoint her and I love her.

Okay...so here is the moment that you all have been waiting for! I know that it is bad and I am trying to schedule another appointment to have it corrected (please keep your fingers crossed that it's possible).

Okay, so this picture was taken a few months ago when I had a make over so that is why I have so much make up. But the hair is the important part. I love that blond!

OKAY...HERE IT IS AND DON'T LET THE SMILE FOOL YOU. It only looks worse when I am not smiling.

OMG!!!! WTF happened to me? I am not meant to have dark hair and it's not cute. I don't even know about the cut because I am blinded by the color. Ugh. Please keep your fingers crossed that she can change it to something that doesn't make me look old, ugly and UGLY!

Not exactly

I have cancelled my hair appointment three times in the past month for so many reasons. But today I decided that I was going to walk in to my stylist and let her do what ever she thought would look good and help me feel better about myself. And that might have been a little to vague of expectations.

In fact, I have no idea who the person is looking back at me in the mirror. And while I don't believe in crying over hair, that's exactly what I have spent the past hour doing. And while it's just bad hair, I really wanted to look better...ie feel better.

And right now, I look exactly how I feel...not attractive, old...baggage! Lesson learned, next time I will be a little more specific about what doesn't work. And if I can ever get the courage to take a picture I will post for all you to gasp!

Father knows best

I have such a mix of emotions when it comes to this topic. I have a great dad! I actually feel lucky to say that because I know that not everybody can say the same. It's not just about him being my dad...it's about loving and supporting me. I actually have great parents who are not perfect and do get on my nerves often, but the core of who they are and how they love me is comforting. Don't get me wrong, my parents have done and said hurtful things from time to time, and I have worried about how they will respond to things in my life. But they always surprise me by showing up and supporting me.

Back to my dad...I would describe him as having a large personality and yet the delivery comes from a calm demeanor. I think of him as a large man who could save me from a burning building...when in reality he is really 5'5 on a good day and might try to save me, but wouldn't offer to help take my trash outside. He is smart, super smart and has never once in my life made me feel stupid in comparison. On top of all of these great qualities, my dad has made many statements which have had a profound impact on my life. Some have been negative but the majority have been positive. Some of the most memorable statements that my dad has made are: "You can't change somebody...they are who they are!" "Life is about standing up and putting one foot in front of the other." "You can't pick who you fall in love with." "You can do or be whatever you want, it's really about what your willing to do or give up." "Your children are important and you will always love them no matter what. But your partner is your life so make sure you pick somebody who loves you 100% and will make you the most important person to them as well."

As a kid, I grew up watching my parents have an unbreakable bond. They loved my brother and I and we did family things together all of the time, but my dad would often talk about his life being wrapped around his relationship with my mom. He once told me that your kids grow up, develop their own personalities and create their own lives. And in the end, you will love your kids even if you disagree, don't understand or approve of their choices. But picking a partner is the most important thing you can do because they become your bests friend, lover, partner; they are your future. I loved when he would say that...I always felt like they had discovered the secret to life. But as an adult, I have learned that not everybody gets to have that relationship.

My dad's words are always in the back of my mind. I wish there was a manual for love that would give me exact directions to make it all work. I was raised to believe that you can only love and support somebody and hope that they feel the same. And yet my recent split has me now questioning those words that once gave me great comfort. I was raised to believe that you can't change people or make decisions for them. That the best you can offer is unconditional love and support and eventually it will all work out. So when I love, I try to love what I know, what I see and what I hear. And that was suppose to be the formula that worked.

Recently I have been seeing a therapist and we have been talking about what I did wrong. Will I ever get it right or how could my dad be so wrong when his words always felt so right. How do I support the one I love while they make their own life decisions without trying to change them, control them or let them feel like I wasn't invested? How did my support back fire and cost me everything? I keep replaying my decisions to figure out what I did wrong and how do I make sure that I never do anything like that again. How do I change myself and all that I have grown to know is true about love, life and choices?

And I know that my dad would say..."you can't change somebody...they are who they are." "And life is standing up and putting one foot in front of the other." So for now I depend on those words to replace the words that no longer give me comfort or confidence.

It's a girl thang...

I normally think of myself as capable of fixing almost anything if given enough time and instructions. But as you all know my water heater is beyond my control. I purchased a new water heater in July and it has yet to work through entire shower. The idiot who replaced it gave me a 5 year warranty on the actual water heater and a 3 year warranty on his services. Hmm…he has yet to follow through on either warranty. So I have argued, jumped through hoops, called numerous times, and called back after he hung up on me and I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH! So I Googled what could possibly be wrong and learned the entire lingo that I needed to sound like a plumber (well not all but this guy is an idiot so what does he know).

Yesterday I called him and rattled off a list of reasons why he needed to replace the water heater. I explained to him that I am starting my bathroom remodel and that his work needed to be completed by Monday of next week. I explained that if it was not completed by Monday I would be filling charges with small claims court (who knows if I really would have), I would contact the referral service that I used and I would contact the local television networks to investigate for the consumer services portion of their broadcasts.

This morning I received a phone call from the idiot! And he wanted to apologize that we were disconnected last night (disconnected my ass...he hung up on me) and verify that he would be there Monday morning to replace my water heater. Yeah!!!! I’m sure that my threats were the key to getting results, but I like to think that my research on Google allowed me to sound so knowledgeable that he realized he was screwed!

Good for a few laughs

I went to a movie this weekend for the first time since December! I was inspired by my friend Suze's Sass. So I put on my comfortable clothes, bought my ticket and sat in the middle of the theatre. I was slightly worried because there weren't very many people waiting, but in the end the movie was so worth my hesitation. I went to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall and it was funny, funny, funny. It hit a little close to home at first, but after a few minutes I was able to relax and belly laugh out loud. I don't think it's going to win any awards, except for maybe the MTV awards. But if you are looking for a mindless, crude and just plain funny movie...you have to see.