Just holding it together

I had forgotten what a broken heart felt like but I have been reminded within a few minutes. I fear starting over again and I fear being alone. That is so contrary to who I have been all of my adult life. I built a life that promised independence, freedom and strength. And then I fell in love and everything changed including my priorities. The pain and loneliness that I feel is bigger than words can describe. I don't know what to do with myself or my emotions and I don't have anybody to share these feelings. Will it get better? Will anybody ever love me enough to stay? Will I ever love myself enough to make them stay?

Returning home

This morning I kissed the person that I love the most while tears ran down my face and fear pulsed through my body. And seconds later, I was boarding a plane to return home...a different state. As I walked into my house this morning, I felt panic and emptiness for the first time. I have referred to my girlfriend as my "Binky" and now I sit on my couch worrying about how I can live without that support. I know that we will see each other again, but from this point forward, everything is different. I really do love her and miss her more than I can ever express. I have this relationship that has been a secret at times and yet I have shared with other people in my life. And yet today...I sit alone with no support. I am right now in a long distance relationship and worry every minute how that is going to work for all of us. For now, all I can do is trust in us and hold on tight to the contact we have...event if it is not face to face.

Practice at letting go

I have been writing about my life and the ups and downs, confusions and clairity and it all comes down to this moment...loving somebody. I have fallen in love in a way that has been foreign to me. I have loved a person so much that I have actually forgotten to love myself at times. And I have experienced somebody else's love and passion about ME. That is a concept that has never happened in my entire adult life. And though this love has brought some confusion and fear, it has also brought me comfort, joy and peace. And in the end, the person that I love is leaving...me? I know that this move is about her and the need to find joy and happiness. I know that staying here is not bringing her joy and I truly want that for her and her daughter. And in the end we need that to make us a happy team. But the other side to that story is that in order for her to feel happy, she needs to leave me and move to a different state. A state that is practically on the other side of the world from here and now fear has a new meaning.

In a couple of days I will be driving towards her new happiness and then returning to my home. I will have to say good-bye. We have agreed to try and make this work, but in the end, she lives in another world and I am here. So for now, how do I say good-bye? What does that look like and how do I actually pull it off? How do I get it together and live my life? Love hurts...isn't that what people say? All I know is that I had love and the only way to keep the love that I had is to let that person leave and find peace and happiness some place else.