Is there a fool in the room?

Going to take a break for a bit. Need to work on not always being the fool in the room. I'll be back at some point...

Okay...wait, do what?

It's time to lighten the mood for moment. And I can't believe that it has taken me this long to share this with all of you. It's part humor and part warning! And it all starts the day after our mini blizzard the day before my trip to Vegas...

At the last minute, I decided to try a spray tan so that I could actually wear shorts without blinding anybody. The only thing that I knew about the spray tan was what I had seen on t.v. so I knew that I wanted a person to spray me not a random machine. Or so I thought...

I made an appointment over the phone and had only ten minutes to be on time. I walked into the salon hoping for some warmth to protect me from all of that snow. This small woman introduced herself and told me to follow her into a room. But room was not really accurate, it was more like a large closet with a black tent in the middle. She told me that I needed to take all of my clothes off, put on a shower cap and flip flops she provides. Hmmm...did she really say take EVERYTHING off? Yep...told me that it would be a better look and it was really messy to get out of clothes. She walked out of the room and I stripped down to nothing, added the shower cap (note to self...not a good look), slid into the flip flops just in time for her to reenter.

She tells me to stand in front of the tent with my back facing her and then I feel it! Ice cold, wet liquid shooting at me. Oh, she forgot to mention that the liquid is sprayed by way of an air compressor so it will be cold. COLD HELL...I could have cut glass! So she is spraying my body and talking about nothing important and then I hear it..."bend over." Excuse me..."BEND OVER" she repeats. Huh...what for? She gave me some explanation about tan lines because of my butt cheeks so okay, I wouldn't want that. So there I am in a small room NAKED, for the exception of my flip flops and shower cap and I am now bent over with my hooha in her face. Literally...she is kneeling down with her face inches from a place that I don't share with just anybody. And then it happens...she shoots that ice cold, wet tanning solution up my hooha! Yep...you read correctly!

It took a few more minutes and then she was done spraying everything else on my body and even used some sponge to smooth and blend all over. Well, except for inside me...I guess that doesn't need to be blended. She then tells me that I will feel sticky for a couple hours and that I can't shower until the next morning. That would have been good information prior to getting a tan. In fact, the fact that I was wearing jeans and they were going to be stuck to my body for the next couple of hours would have been good information. And then the final blow..."and you should leave your bra off for a couple of hours." Now for some that isn't an issue, but let me explain my situation. I have a side D cup so a bra is essential in public. Not to mention, I wore a white t-shirt that day and was going to have a drink with my friend after the appointment. So I did it...

In the end, the tan was great by the next morning and was exactly what I hoped. The only issue was that it started to wear off randomly within a day and then I just looked strange! But my only true regret...I was tan both on the inside and out but nobody would ever know! Think before tanning!!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I don't usually celebrate this holiday but tonight might be an exception. I have been thinking about ice cold Corona and a huge bowl of chips and salsa all day long! So I think that maybe its a sign that tonight I should celebrate!

And while I was day dreaming about beer and chips...I also spent the entire day sitting in a room with really smart people talking about literacy and designing strategies to increase ALL student literacy. And there was actually a moment that I wondered to myself (I hope it was inside my head) WTF are you doing in this room? I've written before about my perceived intelligence and I'm not saying that to gain attention or sympathy. I really am not stupid...but in terms of book smarts I not your typical educator. And I do consider myself not the smartest person out there. I am more of a common sense smart person. But I am attracted to smart...in fact nerdy smart is such a turn on for me. So I believe that I know smart because I am drawn to it. So while we were talking about improving student literacy it dawned me that maybe part of it really is mental and we never address teaching self-confidence!

So of course I tried to think about strategies that have worked with me and how do I teach those to others. And then I realized...I didn't teach myself strategies to believe in myself. Instead I taught myself strategies to fake self-confidence. I beat myself up just as much as I assume others would after having a conversation about literature. When does that self-esteem thing take over and redefine who you are to yourself? Over the years I listened to people tell me that maybe I wasn't the smartest person or that I had big legs or that I wasn't enough...and then at some point...that's who I became inside. Yes, on the outside I fake it and present confident, independent and detached from people's opinions. But on the inside...so not the case.

The reason I love working with kids is the idea of giving them hope, confidence and security. So how do I do that if I don't give it to myself? My counseling skills just kicked in...YOU DON'T! It's time to face me. It's time to redefine me. It's time to be honest with me. And so yes...I'm not the smartest person it he world. But I can survive. I have a good job, I own a great house, I can pay my bills and put money in savings and I am a good person. And it's okay not to be the smartest. (still working on really believing that one). And yes, my legs are bigger than some and so is my butt, stomach, boobs...but I try to eat healthy and exercise daily. And I might not be enough for somebody...but I am enough for me. And that should count...(I hope)

This is my place to process and face myself. It's the place that I can be so random, real and raw all at the same time. And so I am making the promise to myself that yes, I'm working on me...but trying to celebrate the good things about myself on this happy Cinco de Mayo! I hope the same for all of you!

Does it really????

I rewrote this entry so many times that I have lost count. I thought about sharing a funny story, but then couldn't tell it in a way that translated as funny. Then I was going to write about all of the silly phrases people use to make use feel better like everything happens for a reason; what comes around goes around; if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be; patience and hard work are all it takes to succeed. I rarely find comfort when somebody tells me one of these phrases maybe because it's not usually at the best time to hear something that gives me no control over my own life. But then I realize that I need to work on having a little more faith. But as that relates to this post...not so exciting! So what do I have to share right now that would make it worth your time to ready? Hmmm...maybe tomorrow.

Mattress update...

Okay so I write something about my new mattress and then nothing... Crickets in the background nothing. So here is the deal...I ordered a Serta Presidential Suite mattress (the exact same kind at the MGM) and on Monday it arrived! They set it up, took away my old mattress and left all within minutes. And then...there I stood looking up at my mattress. It's soooo tall! I almost need a step or two just to get on the mattress. Funny that I don't remember that part from Vegas. Either way...I love it! No more back pain...I actually feel weightless. I wish there was an invention for that would allow me to feel the same way standing up.

Weekend update...HORMONE HELL! Is it possible that my entire body could play a game on me and overdose in estrogen? I had PMS all weekend...the kind of PMS that allows you to plead temporarily insane. Friday night...worked until 7:30ish on a grant that and then came home to an exploding headache and bed! Saturday...work, work and work again. With random tears throughout the day. I cried at anything and everything! I stayed home and did nothing, talked to nobody and hoped that I would wake up in the morning and feel normal again. No such luck! Today...more crying and bloating. Being a woman is crazy! My mom use to tell me that PMS went away after having a child...which I know is not true. Teachers use to say that when "girls" exercise and eat well PMS is not as strong...not true either! So what is it? Why are some months fine and others more like living in a Lifetime movie? So random!