May 5, 2009

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I don't usually celebrate this holiday but tonight might be an exception. I have been thinking about ice cold Corona and a huge bowl of chips and salsa all day long! So I think that maybe its a sign that tonight I should celebrate!

And while I was day dreaming about beer and chips...I also spent the entire day sitting in a room with really smart people talking about literacy and designing strategies to increase ALL student literacy. And there was actually a moment that I wondered to myself (I hope it was inside my head) WTF are you doing in this room? I've written before about my perceived intelligence and I'm not saying that to gain attention or sympathy. I really am not stupid...but in terms of book smarts I not your typical educator. And I do consider myself not the smartest person out there. I am more of a common sense smart person. But I am attracted to fact nerdy smart is such a turn on for me. So I believe that I know smart because I am drawn to it. So while we were talking about improving student literacy it dawned me that maybe part of it really is mental and we never address teaching self-confidence!

So of course I tried to think about strategies that have worked with me and how do I teach those to others. And then I realized...I didn't teach myself strategies to believe in myself. Instead I taught myself strategies to fake self-confidence. I beat myself up just as much as I assume others would after having a conversation about literature. When does that self-esteem thing take over and redefine who you are to yourself? Over the years I listened to people tell me that maybe I wasn't the smartest person or that I had big legs or that I wasn't enough...and then at some point...that's who I became inside. Yes, on the outside I fake it and present confident, independent and detached from people's opinions. But on the not the case.

The reason I love working with kids is the idea of giving them hope, confidence and security. So how do I do that if I don't give it to myself? My counseling skills just kicked in...YOU DON'T! It's time to face me. It's time to redefine me. It's time to be honest with me. And so yes...I'm not the smartest person it he world. But I can survive. I have a good job, I own a great house, I can pay my bills and put money in savings and I am a good person. And it's okay not to be the smartest. (still working on really believing that one). And yes, my legs are bigger than some and so is my butt, stomach, boobs...but I try to eat healthy and exercise daily. And I might not be enough for somebody...but I am enough for me. And that should count...(I hope)

This is my place to process and face myself. It's the place that I can be so random, real and raw all at the same time. And so I am making the promise to myself that yes, I'm working on me...but trying to celebrate the good things about myself on this happy Cinco de Mayo! I hope the same for all of you!


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

When I was going to counciling (how do you spell that?) my counselor (again?) told me something I never forgot - basically I don't have to hang around people who make me feel bad all the time. It was a revelation. I felt so free! I started spending less time with my family who always made me feel crappy and more time with my friends who loved me exactly as I am. My self image was totally changed.

You can only go so far being your own cheerleader - you have to belong to the right team I guess.

BTW - I don't know you very well, but I've been following your blog for awhile and see no evidence that you are any less smart than any other of the bloggers I read. You do however seem way more sensitive (in a good way) and caring. Being super smart isn't everything.

Go RenWoman! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Rambling here! One more thing - good luck with your literacy project. I wish everyone had the opportunity to learn to love reading.

AJ's mommy said...

I hope you had a wonderful cinco de mayo. And I am also attracted to smart people :)

R said...

Hey!! HAPPY BELATED CINCO DE MAYO!! :) How amazing are your words and you are smart and intelligent and you are deserving and all those wonderful things.. it sounds like you are on a wonderful path my friend... :) WOO HOO!!

Stacie's Madness said...

well happy cinco de mayo...after all that self descovery should be rewarded with chips, salsa and a beer.

I think we all have to work on ourselves...and once we accept ourselves, JUST AS WE ARE (not smarter, smaller or anythinger) just as we are...we will be able to eminate LOVE to others and teach them.

Stacie's Madness said...

oh, and my motto...FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT.

if you can fake it good enough, eventually you'll become to believe it. It will become truth (cause it is).

This Mom said...

Good for you! See, you totally belonged there.

Anonymous said...

I hope you had a nice cold beer!

PinkPiddyPaws said...

mmmmm....cheese dip... sorry... I couldn't get past the cheese dip. :)

Shawn said...

I was lucky to have at a young age, an ability to build myself up----even after my father had a go at telling me for the hundredth time that I was a failure and worthless.

I then went from a abusive home life to marrying a man that was worse.

Long story short---I survived and went through about 2 years of therapy----but I feel really good about myself now. I do have my days, but I think that WE are our best support system, as we can turn our negative thoughts around if just a few minutes....(or hours, or days--- :) )

So----OWN it dahling----you are mah-ve-lous and you should feel great about your accomplishments!!!