Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I don't usually celebrate this holiday but tonight might be an exception. I have been thinking about ice cold Corona and a huge bowl of chips and salsa all day long! So I think that maybe its a sign that tonight I should celebrate!

And while I was day dreaming about beer and chips...I also spent the entire day sitting in a room with really smart people talking about literacy and designing strategies to increase ALL student literacy. And there was actually a moment that I wondered to myself (I hope it was inside my head) WTF are you doing in this room? I've written before about my perceived intelligence and I'm not saying that to gain attention or sympathy. I really am not stupid...but in terms of book smarts I not your typical educator. And I do consider myself not the smartest person out there. I am more of a common sense smart person. But I am attracted to smart...in fact nerdy smart is such a turn on for me. So I believe that I know smart because I am drawn to it. So while we were talking about improving student literacy it dawned me that maybe part of it really is mental and we never address teaching self-confidence!

So of course I tried to think about strategies that have worked with me and how do I teach those to others. And then I realized...I didn't teach myself strategies to believe in myself. Instead I taught myself strategies to fake self-confidence. I beat myself up just as much as I assume others would after having a conversation about literature. When does that self-esteem thing take over and redefine who you are to yourself? Over the years I listened to people tell me that maybe I wasn't the smartest person or that I had big legs or that I wasn't enough...and then at some point...that's who I became inside. Yes, on the outside I fake it and present confident, independent and detached from people's opinions. But on the inside...so not the case.

The reason I love working with kids is the idea of giving them hope, confidence and security. So how do I do that if I don't give it to myself? My counseling skills just kicked in...YOU DON'T! It's time to face me. It's time to redefine me. It's time to be honest with me. And so yes...I'm not the smartest person it he world. But I can survive. I have a good job, I own a great house, I can pay my bills and put money in savings and I am a good person. And it's okay not to be the smartest. (still working on really believing that one). And yes, my legs are bigger than some and so is my butt, stomach, boobs...but I try to eat healthy and exercise daily. And I might not be enough for somebody...but I am enough for me. And that should count...(I hope)

This is my place to process and face myself. It's the place that I can be so random, real and raw all at the same time. And so I am making the promise to myself that yes, I'm working on me...but trying to celebrate the good things about myself on this happy Cinco de Mayo! I hope the same for all of you!