Jul 8, 2009

Can you say OCD?

I sit down in front of my computer time and time again and start to write. I write about nose rings, babies, crazy kitty (Fred), decisions...blah, blah, blah. And then at the moment when I'm almost ready to publish I just stop and delete it all. I think about what I wrote, I think about what you will think, I think about what is missing...I just over think it all.

I took a nutrition class last month from a personal trainer and it sparked something inside of me. I went to the library and checked out five different books on different nutritional styles and began my crazy quest to uncover the secret to healthy eating and ultimate weight loss. Hours passed by and the next thing I realized it has been five hours and I was simply rethinking all of my decisions over and over and over again.

My parents were going to give me a dog at Christmas time because I know that Fred would love a playmate and I have always wanted a dog. But I started to analyze and rethink all of the reasons why I might not be good for a dog. I replay it in my mind over and over all of the pros and cons...and still no dog.

Lastly, as you all know I have talked about wanting a baby and making that happen. I have done my research, connected to a single mom network, shared my wishes with family and friends, planned for money, daycare...I have done planning, planning and planning. And yet as the moment gets closer and closer I spend every second in my head thinking about my decision and if I am prepared enough to do the one thing that I want most.

Monday my mom took the day off of work to help me paint several rooms to finish yet another summer remodeling project. We talked, laughed and talked some more and I was sharing all of the thoughts that have been running through my head. And finally, she said it..."get out of your head and trust your heart." Do I have OCD? Maybe...don't we all. But I think that I take on all of the possible negative things that might happen or have happened. And my need to stay in my head is simple a way to protect my heart. If my head is constantly spinning about the possibilities and consequences, then my heart is less likely to get hurt. Because when I have followed my heart in the past it opens me up in a way that is sooo scary.

So for now, I'm going to try and stay in my heart and out of my head. And if I find a dog then I'm just going to do it. And I am going to stick with my plan for a baby and just see what happens (okay...I'm going to hope for a positive outcome). OCD....I'm going to kick your butt!


Stacie's Madness said...

ha, yeah I think we've all done this to a degree...

in my analogies shared with a friend, I said, I want to drive with the top of the car down, but I'm so afraid of a bug smacking me in the face and ruining it all.

his advise, ride with the top down and deal with those bugs when/IF they do smack ya.


Caroline said...

I am so glad to see you blogging again. I have really missed you!!!

Taking a huge leap of faith is sometimes very scary, but I have faith in you that whatever you decide to do you will be great at it. I know that at your core you want to have a child, so I say take that leap. Don't think about it so much that you talk yourself about of it...it might be the biggest regret of your life.

I have faith in you and so do a lot of other people.

Whiskeymarie said...

It's hard to not worry about the "what ifs", but always worrying "what if?" may stop you from "why not?"

Sometimes you just have to dive into the deep end of the pool and hope to hell you remember how to swim.

Beth said...

It's hard to take that leap sometimes. You'll get there.

I'm glad you're blogging again too.

The comments look funny on your website, at least in Mozilla. They seem to be outside the form.

Shawn said...

I always second guess myself and if its something my hubby wants to do----I look at all the ways that it will fail.

He's says that I am a pessimist---I say that I am a realist----and I am sticking to that!!

Good luck with everything...

Shawn said...

dang it!! I forgot to sign in---so you got my alter ego---watch out for her---she's wacko!

Miss X said...

Dogs are great. Puppies are a lot of work. They are always happy to see you and want to obey you (you just have to figure out how to communicate with them). The downside: finding a dog sitter when you go out of town. If you have any questions, let me know!

And I want to hear more about your nutritional endeavors. I'm big into that myself.

R said...

Hugs to you and positive energy!! I think the best decision will come to you as you know it always does.. and when you least expect it my friend. you will be a great mommy, no matter to whom/what :) I am glad to see you back to blogging agian.. I miss you so get your butt back on line please :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with your mom. Follow your heart. You'd make a great mom!