Jun 25, 2007
Just holding it together
I had forgotten what a broken heart felt like but I have been reminded within a few minutes. I fear starting over again and I fear being alone. That is so contrary to who I have been all of my adult life. I built a life that promised independence, freedom and strength. And then I fell in love and everything changed including my priorities. The pain and loneliness that I feel is bigger than words can describe. I don't know what to do with myself or my emotions and I don't have anybody to share these feelings. Will it get better? Will anybody ever love me enough to stay? Will I ever love myself enough to make them stay?
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R and I were just talking this morning about you and M. We stopped by M's house on our walk. M has my truck now, running errands with her sister.
One thing I have been very conscious of lately is the tension between the now and the past, and the the now and the future. I've lost a lot in the past. Each loss has loosened my hold on the physical place. I have been making choices for a net gain of the most happiness, for now.
I told R, I don't love it here, this place, this Midwest, but I love our home and the life we are making. I don't have to love this place. I can go to places I do love, that's the luxury of the choices I can make.
Each choice has losses and gains. I've been trying to be sure the choices I make have a net gain, as far as I can see. Sometimes I can't see far at all and move on faith.
I had to reassure R that I don't have to love it here. But, I love her, and I want to be here.
All this pain and loneliness -- come here.
I'm going to write more in my blog about how I have come to resolve my geographic tensions, or not.
I just read this post and know that you will never see the answer. I didn't see this post earlier...in November.
But thank you for sharing this with me. I would have moved to Indiana. I offered to do that if it was the only way to be together. Originally, we were just going to see how the year went and then determine where we were going to live.
I would have lived in a tent...just wanted to be with my family. I love Melissa and Ellie more than words will ever describe. But I have learned that my love is not enough and it has to be both ways.
I would have come...because my pain and lonliness took on a new meaning after she broke up with me.
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