Now what...

I had an amazing weekend and it was great to see Melissa. We laughed, cried, talked, saw friends and rode around in the bug and on the scooter. And then just as quickly as it came...it stopped. I dropped her off at the airport and returned to my house where I am stuck. Now what? How do I get it together and move on? Not really sure what. I haven't been writing a lot, not sure what to write about. Confidene level isn't very high so going to try and make this blog more exciting. Maybe I should become a story teller and stop focusing on my personal life. I had a great time this weekend. Thank you baby!

These four wall...

are designed to keep me warm, safe and happy. Yet as I sit on my couch looking around I keep trying to figure out how to share all of my feelings and thoughts I feel like they are trapped in a box meant to keep me sane. I guess four walls has become a metaphor for my life. I do find comfort inside my house, but I haven't wanted to put up the walls around my heart and mind. I have spent a lot of my life with walls protecting me from anything negative. Unfortunately I also kept myself from experiences a lot of wonder because of the same walls. Melissa taught me to trust and slowly broke down each wall. And now I look around and see so many things that I need to do in my house and in my soul and yet I don't have the skills to do any of them. I want to write about adventure, love, passion, babies and so much more, but I can't stop my head long enough to write anything. So for now, I'm going to stay safe and warm inside my home and keep the things I love locked inside a box in my heart. That is where I'm finding calm.

I forget for a minute

I woke up this morning without an alarm, without a sound without any movement. I just opened my eyes and imagined all of the things I could do today. And then within a second I remember that all of those things I will have to do by myself. I remember that my partner and I aren't going to get together and do some shopping, we aren't going to the zoo, we aren't planning dinner...we are planning our days in a different way. We both are trying to stay busy and fill the days with activities, people and duties. We talk as much as possible to stay connected to each others lives and to share our down time. So I am going to look forward to those moments when I first wake up and fantasize about all of the activities the days holds and sharing my time with my partner.

Spinning out of control...

and then I got the words that made me feel better. I love you and that doesn't change. No matter what happens, we agree or disagree, loneliness, laughter...doesn't change my love for you. Those are the words that brought peace to my soul and made me stop spinning out of control.

I haven't been sleeping lately and it gives my head a lot of time to randomly think about different events. When I am all alone and have down time, I talk to myself. Well actually I have conversations with people but I play both parts. I know that it sounds crazy and maybe that it why I have kept it a secret all of these years. My parents know that I do it because they say that as a small child I would have arguments with other people (imaginary) while bathing, riding in the car or sitting in my room. I would like to share more about these conversations but right now I feel blocked.

So I go back to spinning out of control today. And the only comfort that I needed was the words "I love you...and that doesn't change" and "I'm right here". Thank you baby for those words. I love you too!