Aug 12, 2008

I have a secret

There is always that "thing" that you try to figure out when you meet somebody. Their "secret" about why they don't talk or why they cut their food into tiny pieces, or why they are so angry. We all do it! That's human nature to notice other peoples flaws and weakness and then assign excuses and explanations. I have spent my entire life trying to hide my secret and create an image that would tell people that I am an open book. I have succeeded in that the majority of the time. But I'm not sure if success is the right phrase now...I'm sure it's not success.

In fact, I guess maybe there were several secrets in my life that I was keeping. One of the most significant...well, I have been in several relationships with men (by several I mean really a few) but there was always a part of me that was drawn to women. Not all women, but there have been a few that I imagined sharing my life with, creating a future with...being together forever. My last relationship opened up my world and allowed me to be real for the first time in my life. I fit...I felt whole in a relationship with a woman. I shared that secret with strangers at first, then friends and eventually my family. And once it was put out there in the universe I got a variety of responses. There were a few people I didn't surprise, shocked the hell out of others, made new friendships, lost friendships and feared loosing my family. But over family and friends support me. But that is not my real secret.

From the outside, I am a strong, independent, assertive and honest woman. I have often been told that I can be a bit intimidating, but I have never agreed. Because inside I feel very approachable, with a very basic level of intelligence and a bit insecure overall. My real secret...I don't feel worthy of love...the unconditional intimate kind of love. I have spent my entire life wishing that I could possess the traits that would allow me to find unconditional, intimate love.

I have great friends and I feel like I am a good friend. It's not that type of relationship that I am afraid of establishing. So to protect my secret I put up walls, avoid any type of intimacy and hide in my world of work and responsibility. And on the few occasions when I have opened up my heart to love...I have become desperate to do anything just to be worthy of their love. Meaning I will do almost anything that would bring the other person happiness in hopes that it will be what they need to love me unconditionally in return. I have been known to try and support decisions that will ultimately hurt me, I have encouraged the people in my life to pursue what they need (hoping that they will realize that it's me). I listen for the issues that they have and then I try to fix the problems and even change who I am inside to be the person that I think they will stay in love with...all the time hoping that they will believe that I am worth it. Worth their love.

And as I said before, I have been in relationships with men, women, younger, older, white, black and the outcome has always been the same. Ugh! I hate that person...and obviously so do they. I become less of a partner and more of a therapist. And then what I am so afraid always becomes becomes my self fulling prophecy...I don't get to have that unconditional intimate love. And following the pattern...I beat myself up for all the reasons I don't deserve good a partner, happiness or love. I hate that this secret lives inside of me and I wish that there was a way to just snap my fingers and change everything.

Working on myself is a bitch and I am not looking for sympathy.'s just that I have to finally admit that this is my secret. So I just decided that it was time to share my secret and see if it would loose some of its power over me. To see if I can step out of myself and my fear and convince myself to believe something new.


WendyB said...

*sigh* I know the feeling -- it's hard to feel worthy.

Caroline said...

I sent you an email...

us 2 said...

gosh my wish for you is that you know you are worthy of just have not met the right partner..keep believing...

PinkPiddyPaws said...

I feel you girlie! We gravitate towards the fixer-uppers because fixing them gives us a feeling of self-worth (value) but when they are fixed they move on and we are left wondering WHY did they leave?

In a reversal of sayings "it's not them, it's us". We have to stop trying to fix everyone and stop getting with those fixer uppers. We need to realize that WE are worthy of the love of a fully functional human being.

Hang in there and keep searching! You'll make it. :)

erin said...

Thanks so much for sharing this. I struggle with the same thing.

R said...

you are so awesome. I am so proud of you. I will send you a longer email later. i am so glad that we are friends now and I cannot wait for our trip to new York. And let me tell you what, girl, you deserve onlythe very best! The next girl who gets you will be the luckiest ever!! :) hugs to you my friend!!

Stacie said...

shut up are you reading my mind?

I just posted today that I have "things" going on in my head but I am not quite there in getting them out.

Don't get the wrong idea, I am not coming out of the closet, but I am trying to peek my head out of the smoke to see WHY I do the things I do. How those things affect my relationships and what I need to do to fix them (not them, but me, fix my problems)...

I come here and you make a blubbering mess of words, anyway, I feel ya, I hear ya and I am righ there with ya girl.

Gwen said...

Please stop invading my brain and writing my thoughts.

I have hinted at this over at my place when discussing dating and, in my case, boys, but I've never had the courage or the words to say it out loud. I've spent the last few years working on my self-awareness and confidence in this arena and I think I'm ready but I'm afraid I won't be able to "walk the talk." I'm right there with you, man.

Whiskeymarie said...

You deserve to be happy, and you are worthy of deep, wonderful, belly-warming, heart filling love.


Like your little furry Fred, who loves you unconditionally, there is another "Fred" out there for you who will make you forget that you never found yourself unlovable.

minijonb said...

Just do things for YOU and don't worry about what other people think and you'll do fine. (That advice is oversimplified, but you get the idea)

Renaissance Woman said...

Wendy - it is hard...ugh!

Caroline - Got email and thank you.

us2 - I have the same hope. I want to feel worthy of love.

pink - you took the words right out of my mouth.

Erin - I had no idea so many people struggle with the same thing.

R - thank you!

Stacie - good to know that we can be a blubbering mess together. Hang in there girl! You are worthy.

Gwen - Good luck to you! It is hard work but hopefully will be worth in when we get there!

whiskey - from your ears...I hope that when I feel stronger and more healed I will be rewarded with my dream for wonderful love.

Jonb - I get it...and thanks.

Francesca said...

I've been reading through your blog and want to tell you that I think you're a strong person who seems very caring. I read this particular post and I have to admit I relate to it very much. Perhaps most people can. I think you will attract someone very special the next time around - when you're ready. Anyway, wishing you lots and lots of happiness and thanks for your sweet comment on my blog, too...xx

Miss X said...

Wow. I can really relate to what you said. Instead of trying to fix others, I just avoided relationships for a long time. Not healthy at all.

And I used to live in Denver, so I'm excited to read about Denver going-ons (even if it's Road Rage incidents - very sad!)