I have a secret

There is always that "thing" that you try to figure out when you meet somebody. Their "secret" about why they don't talk or why they cut their food into tiny pieces, or why they are so angry. We all do it! That's human nature to notice other peoples flaws and weakness and then assign excuses and explanations. I have spent my entire life trying to hide my secret and create an image that would tell people that I am an open book. I have succeeded in that the majority of the time. But I'm not sure if success is the right phrase now...I'm sure it's not success.

In fact, I guess maybe there were several secrets in my life that I was keeping. One of the most significant...well, I have been in several relationships with men (by several I mean really a few) but there was always a part of me that was drawn to women. Not all women, but there have been a few that I imagined sharing my life with, creating a future with...being together forever. My last relationship opened up my world and allowed me to be real for the first time in my life. I fit...I felt whole in a relationship with a woman. I shared that secret with strangers at first, then friends and eventually my family. And once it was put out there in the universe I got a variety of responses. There were a few people I didn't surprise, shocked the hell out of others, made new friendships, lost friendships and feared loosing my family. But over all...my family and friends support me. But that is not my real secret.

From the outside, I am a strong, independent, assertive and honest woman. I have often been told that I can be a bit intimidating, but I have never agreed. Because inside I feel very approachable, with a very basic level of intelligence and a bit insecure overall. My real secret...I don't feel worthy of love...the unconditional intimate kind of love. I have spent my entire life wishing that I could possess the traits that would allow me to find unconditional, intimate love.

I have great friends and I feel like I am a good friend. It's not that type of relationship that I am afraid of establishing. So to protect my secret I put up walls, avoid any type of intimacy and hide in my world of work and responsibility. And on the few occasions when I have opened up my heart to love...I have become desperate to do anything just to be worthy of their love. Meaning I will do almost anything that would bring the other person happiness in hopes that it will be what they need to love me unconditionally in return. I have been known to try and support decisions that will ultimately hurt me, I have encouraged the people in my life to pursue what they need (hoping that they will realize that it's me). I listen for the issues that they have and then I try to fix the problems and even change who I am inside to be the person that I think they will stay in love with...all the time hoping that they will believe that I am worth it. Worth their love.

And as I said before, I have been in relationships with men, women, younger, older, white, black and the outcome has always been the same. Ugh! I hate that person...and obviously so do they. I become less of a partner and more of a therapist. And then what I am so afraid always becomes true...it becomes my self fulling prophecy...I don't get to have that unconditional intimate love. And following the pattern...I beat myself up for all the reasons I don't deserve good a partner, happiness or love. I hate that this secret lives inside of me and I wish that there was a way to just snap my fingers and change everything.

Working on myself is a bitch and I am not looking for sympathy. Really...it's just that I have to finally admit that this is my secret. So I just decided that it was time to share my secret and see if it would loose some of its power over me. To see if I can step out of myself and my fear and convince myself to believe something new.