Have you walked in my shoes?

Unless you have a freakishly small foot I doubt that you have. I'm back from my working conference and soooo happy to have two full days without the co-workers surrounding me. But honestly it wasn't the worst three days of my life and I have a few stories to share at a later time. But back on topic...today I decided to stop at the outlet mall and check out the sales at Nine West. I wear a 5 - 5 1/2 size shoe and this seems to be the one place that I can almost always find something to buy. And buying a pair shoes is like an hours worth of great therapy (just what I was needing) and it costs about the same.

And as I was admiring my three pairs of new shoes, I was thinking how much my shoes actually say about me. Shopping for shoes is always calming because my size never changes...regardless of weight gain or loss. And in the end I can slide into a pair of shoes and express exactly who I am at that moment. Here are some of my favorite shoes...

These are one of the new pairs (I also bought a pair in black). Leopard print is fun and wild!!!!!!
Third new pair and they were only $10!!!! Who doesn't love a deal like that...and they are hot looking.

Summer time so wonderful for shoes... I love flip flops. All colors, materials and designs...just love them. And the tan pair I am in love with right now. They look like Dr. Scholls (from back in the day) but adding a heal sexed them up. Comfy!

Some work shoes that I can walk around in without crying in pain and still feel a little sassy in a job that doesn't really allow for much sass. They are perfect to go from work to drinks and make me feel spicy!

Oh Dansko...what more can I really say. These shoes give me comfort and security every time I slip them on...even though they are so not cute, sassy or spicy. But when I was in the process of accepting myself it was this pair of shoes that I felt understood and protected me without judgement. I know that sounds a little deep and a little crazy, but it's true. Now I wear them off and on between my others but I will also keep them as a reminder of what I have walked through to get here.

My list wouldn't be complete without my Uggs... This is my new pair from this Christmas and I have thought about sleeping in them because they are so great! They are the blankey that comforts, the sweatpants that call your name after a long day...hell I love them so much that I wear them around like slippers.

And FINALLY ( I know your done reading this by now) my running shoes! I love them because they were designed online, have black patten leather which is just plain fun and make me feel strong every day that I run. I put them on and can't wait to move and sweat!

Back at it!

I started work again yesterday and want to say...CRAP! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. It just that summer break has been such a nice change and there have been alarm clocks for the past 5 weeks. But worse than hearing an alarm clock...I am leaving tonight for a conference in Breckenridge with my colleagues until Friday afternoon. Nothing like jumping into the deep end. I will be bunking, eating, talking, drinking and meeting with them for the next three days non-stop. I guess summer break had to end some how. I'll be back soon...hopefully!

Urban Assault Ride

Two weeks ago my mom sent an email with the link for the Urban Assault Ride with a note..."looks like so much fun you should sign up" and...I did. I convinced a group of friends to sign up and spend the day riding bikes for a good cause. I borrowed a newer bike from my dad (he had more bells and whistles) and at 7 AM had a bagel and tea with my friends waiting to plot our adventure. This was going to be soooo much fun and the fact that none of us had been on a bike in years didn't matter. So we started our ride and went from one location to another location completing tasks in between like rowing a skateboard with a plunger, riding an amusement park ride, catching wet sponges with my head and even jumping into a pool with our clothes on to swim a lap. And when it was all said an done...three hours and two minutes later we all crossed the line together. We rode our bikes over 30 miles racing against people who could compete with Lance Armstrong. And today...my legs feel like somebody has driven over them with a dump truck and not to mention that other parts would have greatly benefited from padding! But it was for a great cause and a lot of fun. Even feeling a little inspired to try and bike to work a couple of times a week....maybe

And I'll pray...

Hard news hits in so many ways... I am sending my post positive thoughts and prayers out to you and your family. There are no words that I can find to give comfort. So I simply send the message that I'm sorry for this difficult situation and wish for the very, very best outcome possible...very, very quickly.

FOOOOUUUURRRR!!!!!

I love golf! I'm not great but I still love playing the game. My summer break is quickly coming to an end so I have been doing as many things possible to enjoy the rest of my time. I went golfing yesterday with a friend. We got paired with two idiots with the worst possible personalities ever!!!! These two guys were clearly upset that they had to share the day with two women on the golf course...and even worse that we were better golfers (maybe just a good day) then either of them. I tried everything to lighten the mood but nothing changed. Except that as the day went on they decided that it was appropriate to treat me like their sex object...NOT! At the final hole I was getting ready to hit my second shot, my friend told them to pay attention and in my head I thought...wow...i hope they don't have to pay attention because if I hit towards them it would be a REALLY bad shot! And then...I swung, the ball flew and SMACK! It hit one of the guys right in the ankle and dropped him instantly. It was wrong, it was an accident but it was so funny that I laughed out loud for 10 minutes. He was okay and I did apologize after I was able to pull myself together. But honestly, I love golf now maybe even more than before...guess karma does exist...finally!

This is why

So many questions the past couple of days...Why don't I post any pictures of myself? When are we going to see your new do? Why can't you just post something personal? Okay, okay...I don't always love to see myself in pictures but since I put it out there here it is...my new do!

Can you say OCD?

I sit down in front of my computer time and time again and start to write. I write about nose rings, babies, crazy kitty (Fred), decisions...blah, blah, blah. And then at the moment when I'm almost ready to publish I just stop and delete it all. I think about what I wrote, I think about what you will think, I think about what is missing...I just over think it all.

I took a nutrition class last month from a personal trainer and it sparked something inside of me. I went to the library and checked out five different books on different nutritional styles and began my crazy quest to uncover the secret to healthy eating and ultimate weight loss. Hours passed by and the next thing I realized it has been five hours and I was simply rethinking all of my decisions over and over and over again.

My parents were going to give me a dog at Christmas time because I know that Fred would love a playmate and I have always wanted a dog. But I started to analyze and rethink all of the reasons why I might not be good for a dog. I replay it in my mind over and over all of the pros and cons...and still no dog.

Lastly, as you all know I have talked about wanting a baby and making that happen. I have done my research, connected to a single mom network, shared my wishes with family and friends, planned for money, daycare...I have done planning, planning and planning. And yet as the moment gets closer and closer I spend every second in my head thinking about my decision and if I am prepared enough to do the one thing that I want most.

Monday my mom took the day off of work to help me paint several rooms to finish yet another summer remodeling project. We talked, laughed and talked some more and I was sharing all of the thoughts that have been running through my head. And finally, she said it..."get out of your head and trust your heart." Do I have OCD? Maybe...don't we all. But I think that I take on all of the possible negative things that might happen or have happened. And my need to stay in my head is simple a way to protect my heart. If my head is constantly spinning about the possibilities and consequences, then my heart is less likely to get hurt. Because when I have followed my heart in the past it opens me up in a way that is sooo scary.

So for now, I'm going to try and stay in my heart and out of my head. And if I find a dog then I'm just going to do it. And I am going to stick with my plan for a baby and just see what happens (okay...I'm going to hope for a positive outcome). OCD....I'm going to kick your butt!

Work in progress

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since my last post. I have missed blogging, missed sharing what's in my head, heart and all of the random crap that happens on a daily basis. I have been doing a lot of therapy, self reflection, writing in my journal, bonding with family and friends...and I have used A TON of alcohol as my therapist (okay...not really that much). There have been great ups and some pretty tough lows. But overall I am starting to feel myself again.

I am working on trusting me! Simple I know...but I had forgotten how to trust me...trust what I know, what I feel, what is in front of me as fact. I had forgotten to believe that good things DO happen, love can heal and that I am capable of survival... I cut my hair short again after dreaming of that for so long. I started singing in public again (story for another time) to prove to myself that I have a voice. And I have been trying something new every day to push myself.

So I am now here to say...I am a work in progress. But I want happiness, I want love, I want passion, I want trust and loyalty, I want a baby and a family, I want peace, I want to love myself and I want to laugh every single day!