The light bulb is on.

Oprah calls these Aha moments but I like to think of them a little more like a slap in the head. The light finally turns on and you see things clearly...and that could mean neat and shinny or cluttered and messy. Aha moments seem to indicate that when it finally comes everything looks clear and shinny. NOT ALWAYS! It's like when you tell yourself that it's only five extra pounds and you finally realize it's more like twenty! Good to realize, but doesn't feel like such a positive moment. Thank goodness for boot camp to help dwindle that number back down.

I finally saw the dots in my life. The dots that you connect over time that show the clear picture of who you are, where you have been and where you will go again if not changed. I use to believe that to change the world I had to sacrifice everything else in my life that might bring me joy. But I have realized that without joy in my life...I can't change anything. I use to believe that working out would help me fit into a pair a jeans...but not I see that it also (and more importantly) lets me be in control of my body and face most obstacles. I use to think that allowing my family and friends to use me and say hurtful things (in a very passive way) was part of keeping the peace...but now I realize it taught me how to expect the world treat me and affect my soul because of my choices.

So that light bulb went on this morning at 6:00 a.m. and burned so bright that I was almost blinded. I thought of all the wasted time and energy I have put into keeping the peace with my family and friends only to explode emotionally in the end. And then the point is lost...it becomes about my emotions not their treatment. That's not fair to anybody, especially me. Maybe sounds like an Aha moment...but this clarity doesn't come with only shinny new potential. It also comes with work, change, sadness and pain...which will in the end look different than it did at 5:59 a.m. Not necessarily a bad process or outcome just different. But it's time to face what I see and not turn out the light (like I have done before) and pretend it didn't exist. It's my turn, my control and ultimately my life.