The city is alive!!!!

Denver is full of excitement, energy, celebrities and protesters!!!! The Democratic National Convention is in town and beginning tomorrow. Actually, the energy and excitement started this weekend with the rush of visitors, police visibility and of course a great drink specials at every restaurant and bar in town. It is so exciting to have such a historical moment being held in my neighborhood. The weather is going to be perfect, in the 80's and blue skies! It's a perfect time for this convention.

Each school has received a handful of tickets to allow a few students and adults the opportunity to participate in this political experience. So I volunteered to be an escort and am keeping my fingers crossed that I am able to join in the festivities. But regardless, even if I am not picked to escort, I am planning on taking the scooter downtown in the evenings to participate in as many activities as possible.

Funny story, there was an article in today's newspaper that stated that with all of the boycotts, police caravans and blocked streets, Denverites did not notice Tom Brokaw walking down a main street in the city. That actually gives me hope...hope that the people of Denver are taking this election seriously and not just hoping to bump into a celebrity. Well, maybe one bump might be okay. I read that Oprah Winfrey is renting a house a few blocks away for the week...she paid $60,000 for the week! Doesn't she know that I just finished my remodel project and this would have been a great place to rent! But seriously, I am hopeful. I am so hopeful for all of the good things that this convention will bring our city. I am hopeful for change...I am hopeful that it is time for voters to speak and choose hope, peace and economic relief. And I am truly grateful that I get to experience this exciting event!

Just heard this story!

Road rage…I get it sometimes. I have been known to yell, give the bird and even touch my brakes to make somebody pay attention. But when I have others in my car it helps to keep me focused and less explosive. Over the summer I was out driving my pink scooter around town and some guy drove by me and spit on me! Can you believe it…he spit on me. I guess pink was not his color! But I didn’t respond…guess I didn’t really know what to do.

Two nights ago the police officer that works at my school was called to an accident…a 25 year old Denver woman was charged with homicide for slamming on her brakes during a road rage incident that resulted in the death of a 31 year old Denver woman. Apparently these two women were raging for several miles back and forth, cutting each other off, yelling…eventually brakes slamming, cars swerving and the 31 year old rolled her car. When the police arrived the driver was dead and her 2 year old son was crying in the back seat still strapped in his car seat.

So here is the question…how many of you have made a decision to act and/or respond a certain way only to realize that the consequences were much more severe than you ever could have imagined? I’m sure that both of the women never imagined that their drive home from work would have such major consequences for everybody. It has made me realize that I need to spend a few seconds thinking before acting to try and eliminate any regret that might follow. And it has made me very sad for all of the people involved…a split second decision.

It's all a blur

The weekend is almost over and instead of ironing clothes for the week (which I hate to do), packing my lunch for tomorrow or trying to get a little meditation in to end the evening...I am looking back and realizing that most of it is a blur. I had dinner with a friend, threw a party for my mom's birthday (happy birthday mom!), finished the bathroom and through it all...I drank. I am not normally a BIG drinker, I mean I can drink and hang out with people, but this was different. For some reason, this weekend was filled with alcohol.


But here are the things that stood out in my mind this weekend. Made an ass out of myself (emotions a little raw and I just put them out there), worked Saturday morning starting at 6:00 a.m.! Who does that!!! We had a fund raiser 5k walk in the morning and it was pouring rain! Threw a birthday party for my mom Saturday night...turned out well I think. Finished the bathroom and all of my running around this weekend. Managed to sneak a few work outs into my schedule, played with Fred, and then two other events happened!

First...argued with my cell phone provider over what services they can now offer. I need a new phone and they are in the process of changing providers and can not offer me anything new today, or maybe until the first of the year! Hmmm...I don't think that's going to work for me. So I am researching new providers. Any suggestions. I'm thinking about AT&T because so many of my friends have the provider, but I also like Verizon! Help!!!!

And lastly, to close the weekend...I received the news. Ellen finally did it...she got married. Guess she can no longer be on my list of possibilities! So sad.

Welcome home sweet boy

As all of you know...I had to put my sweet, sweet Chester down in February. He was my best friend and lifted my spirits every single day. And I had no plans on getting another pet any time soon. But then my mom and dad told me they had already found a new baby and that was their birthday present to me. Here is his first picture (the lady who had him is holding him for the camera). He is six weeks old in the picture and I didn't give him a name until the ride home.

So I tried to hurry the bathroom remodel so that my house would be a good place for my new baby. I had decided on his name, for the most part. And then I spoke with Ellie and told her that I was getting a new baby kitten and she told me I had to name him Cupcake. So...he is now registered with the legal name...Fred Cupcake (last name is mine).

Fred has such a different personality than Chester so it has taken me a little time to adjust. And I did have some guilt when I first was going to bring him home. But I know that Chester loved me and would think it is great that there is a new baby in the house.

Welcome home Fred...you also bring a smile to my face every single day!

I have a secret

There is always that "thing" that you try to figure out when you meet somebody. Their "secret" about why they don't talk or why they cut their food into tiny pieces, or why they are so angry. We all do it! That's human nature to notice other peoples flaws and weakness and then assign excuses and explanations. I have spent my entire life trying to hide my secret and create an image that would tell people that I am an open book. I have succeeded in that the majority of the time. But I'm not sure if success is the right phrase now...I'm sure it's not success.

In fact, I guess maybe there were several secrets in my life that I was keeping. One of the most significant...well, I have been in several relationships with men (by several I mean really a few) but there was always a part of me that was drawn to women. Not all women, but there have been a few that I imagined sharing my life with, creating a future with...being together forever. My last relationship opened up my world and allowed me to be real for the first time in my life. I fit...I felt whole in a relationship with a woman. I shared that secret with strangers at first, then friends and eventually my family. And once it was put out there in the universe I got a variety of responses. There were a few people I didn't surprise, shocked the hell out of others, made new friendships, lost friendships and feared loosing my family. But over all...my family and friends support me. But that is not my real secret.

From the outside, I am a strong, independent, assertive and honest woman. I have often been told that I can be a bit intimidating, but I have never agreed. Because inside I feel very approachable, with a very basic level of intelligence and a bit insecure overall. My real secret...I don't feel worthy of love...the unconditional intimate kind of love. I have spent my entire life wishing that I could possess the traits that would allow me to find unconditional, intimate love.

I have great friends and I feel like I am a good friend. It's not that type of relationship that I am afraid of establishing. So to protect my secret I put up walls, avoid any type of intimacy and hide in my world of work and responsibility. And on the few occasions when I have opened up my heart to love...I have become desperate to do anything just to be worthy of their love. Meaning I will do almost anything that would bring the other person happiness in hopes that it will be what they need to love me unconditionally in return. I have been known to try and support decisions that will ultimately hurt me, I have encouraged the people in my life to pursue what they need (hoping that they will realize that it's me). I listen for the issues that they have and then I try to fix the problems and even change who I am inside to be the person that I think they will stay in love with...all the time hoping that they will believe that I am worth it. Worth their love.

And as I said before, I have been in relationships with men, women, younger, older, white, black and the outcome has always been the same. Ugh! I hate that person...and obviously so do they. I become less of a partner and more of a therapist. And then what I am so afraid always becomes true...it becomes my self fulling prophecy...I don't get to have that unconditional intimate love. And following the pattern...I beat myself up for all the reasons I don't deserve good a partner, happiness or love. I hate that this secret lives inside of me and I wish that there was a way to just snap my fingers and change everything.

Working on myself is a bitch and I am not looking for sympathy. Really...it's just that I have to finally admit that this is my secret. So I just decided that it was time to share my secret and see if it would loose some of its power over me. To see if I can step out of myself and my fear and convince myself to believe something new.

Naked on the Inside

OMG....I LOVED THIS MOVIE! Last night I got home late from work and was flipping through the channels looking for a mindless movie. Instead of mindless I found one the most moving documentaries ever on Showtime. Naked on the Inside follows the life of several people around the world who have unique stories to share about their life, their mission, their bodies and who they really are outside of their clothes. I have talked about it all day at work, I couldn't sleep because it touched a part of my soul. Go out...rent, find on cable...do whatever. But you have to see this movie.

But I'm not like you!

Those were the words a 15 year old female student said to me today...well, there was an eye roll involved as well. We were talking about staying in school, making better choices and trying to figure out what is next in her life. And that's when she said..."but I'm not like you!" She was trying to explain to me why she keeps failing classes, runs away from home and doesn't care what any of the adults in her life have to say. She doesn't know what she wants to do as an adult and therefore quitting and running away seem like the only choices available.

I wanted to tell her that this job was the last choice on my life of career options. The truth is that I never had any idea what I wanted to do with my life except for make a difference. And nobody ever ever asked me or offer any suggestions. When I took my first school counseling position...I made it very clear that this was only going to be a temporary position. Well that was a second Masters degree and a job title change and 9 years ago. These were the things that I wanted to tell her...but I felt like she would just roll her eyes again and miss my very poignant point! So instead, I simply tried to explain that running away from problems, quitting school...those were just excuses to hide from her life. Because no matter where she ran...the problems will still be there, and instead she will just be alone dealing with those problems. And quitting school will prove nothing to the people in her life, but will make her feel like she can always quit on herself. And more than anything...I tried to explain to her that life goes on regardless of your job satisfaction, personal stability or financial obligations.

She left my office angry and annoyed, but promised to think about showing up for classes next week...I guess it's a start. I also realized that this wasn't my dream job, but I do have opportunity to make a difference. And my life is more than just a job...it's about family, friends, love, adventure, laughter, hope...it's much bigger than knowing what you want to be as an adult.
She left my office and I was thinking...who is doing what they always dreamed of and do they like it? How many people love what they do? And does quitting really have benefits?