Jul 29, 2007

Do I or don't I????

That is the script that runs through my mind over and over again. Every aspect of my life I ask the same question...do I try something that is on my mind or should I let it pass and hope for the best. The question fits in any situation...what kind of food should I eat, where should I go on vacation, what type of career am I going to explore, following my heart...you get the point. Recently, I have been thinking about having a baby. WOW...seeing it written down is more shocking than actually thing about the possibility of being a mom. I always believed that women were born knowing that they either wanted children or not. I never had the desire so I assumed that it wasn't meant for me to actually have my own child. I love kids...I love the potential, their raw sense of self, the laughter, everything! I love my niece for the person she is, wants to be and is going to be. I love Ellie from my gut and get more and more from her every day. And then all of sudden I wanted to have a child. Physically...I'm not sure, emotionally I'm sure! The idea of having baby is frightening for me because I never thought of myself as capable of raising a baby. I have a history of messing up people's lives and I would never want to hurt a child.

Would I give a birth to a biological child? Do I try adopting a child? Do I accept that I am not meant to be a "parent"? I am a parent...I'm a step-mom. Do I pursue having a baby or let the idea fade? That is the question!

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