Jul 31, 2007


If I had to describe one word that fits how I feel about myself, it would be FAILURE. But to say that out loud for the world to hear sounds like a pity party...and therefore it is my secret. I have always felt like a failure and maybe it has now become a self fulfilling prophecy. I have failed at so many things that trying to figure out how to stop the pattern seems overwhelming. And yet from the outside people would never assume that I have any self doubt or regrets. Last night I laid awake in bed unable to stop my head from thinking about all of the events in my life, past and present, that I didn't do well or will eventually find a way to destroy. My dreams are filled with loss, fear and torment...is that related to my actual life or is it just my current pattern?

During my awake hours, I am aware of the positive things in my life...family, love, health, financial stability (although I could use more), etc. You get the point, but it's during the darkness that I'm reminded the most about my demons and large an impact they play in my daily living. I am trying to stay just ahead of my demons and control the amount of power they possess in my life. Who will win? Today it doesn't feel like me.

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