Shout out to my hood!

Summer time, ice cream, cold beer, BBQ, swimming pools...that was just the start of our first annual block party! Several of my neighbors came up with the idea and by 5:00 last night the street was blocked, kids were riding bikes and swimming in the little pools and the BBQ was hot and ready to cook. And the best part, I brought drinks and a salad but I didn't have to do the BBQ. It was my first time meeting several of the neighbors, but by the time the evening ended we had already planned a book club, game nights, cocktail hours and the next block party! I didn't realize how many little munchkins lived so close to me and I got to run, play, and even hold three new babies. I love my neighborhood and I learn more about how great my community really is ever single day.

Another Book

I did it!!! Even with the remodel, healing, spending time with friends...I finished another book! The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein is a funny, smart, sad book with an obvious life lesson thread throughout. I'm not a book guru so not sure that it qualifies as literary perfection...but it does qualify as a great read. The story is told by the family dog, Enzo, who is funny, smart, deep and loyal. It will make you look at your pets in a totally different way. I don't want to say more until you have had a chance to read. So go out and get a copy! Can't wait to hear your reviews.

3 Mo Divas

I have two best friends who are always looking for fun things to do in D town! So last week, one of my friends and my mom got together and bought tickets to see 3 Mo Divas! It was amazing and made me want to say AMEN for being a woman! The music was amazing and made me dance and sing in my seat!

So last night I was outside putting together my new Adirondack chairs (I love Kohl's!) and my other best friend pulled up and screamed get ready...were going to see 3 Mo Divas. Now I know that maybe seeing it two weeks in a row might actually be a bit of overkill, but couldn't pass on the energy. So I went again last night and loved it!!! Maybe even more than the first time. These woman can sing! If the shows come your way...buy tickets, maybe you should buy tickets twice! Happy Friday.

Laser by gone!

I'm not sure if you remember this picture...but there are only two of these tattoos in the world. That's right...I have a matching tattoo with my ex. And we just got them at the end of February during her big Vegas birthday. I haven't loved the actual tattoo (don't think the artist did such a great job), but I loved the idea of sharing that with the person that I loved. In fact, when we were designing what the tattoo was going to look like, she wanted to add the "strength" symbol in the middle...you know, the symbol that really looks like a 4! Well, I was hesitant because I wasn't sure why we needed to add strength to anything about us and I did think that it looked like a 4. She explained that the symbol was going to be a reminder...our symbol. That we were strong. She told me it was to remind her every time she looked at the tattoo that "she got strength from our relationship!" Deep...and I loved that idea. Well, yesterday she told me that she had been trying to tell me she was "restless" for awhile. Hmmm...I didn't hear that in the strength from our relationship speech. Oh well...done with that. So it was even more appropriate that I had my third laser appointment scheduled just minutes after receiving her latest update of excuses. http://youtube.com/watch?v=-ZSd0G8Va58&feature=related

I originally had an artist who was going to enhance or try to improve the existing tattoo. I met with him in March and that was our original plan. But after the lies, cheating...crap, I decided that I just needed to remove her constant lie from my arm, I live with the lies everyday in other ways. So just to give an update on laser...it hurts like hell! Your skin burns, blisters, itches and peels, but eventually that tattoo goes away. In fact, my tattoo is expected to be almost gone by the time this last treatment is done. So I rescheduled an appointment with the same tattoo artist to have something beautiful be put on top of the old. and in another month...I will have something beautiful in it's place. I am not trying to pretend that it was not there...so I'm not removing it 100%. Pretending that things didn't exist is her area not mine. But I refuse to live in that lie forever. So I am covering it with something that is about my inner strength, beauty, survival and love of life! I am going to wear only truth on my arm.

Lots of updates

Okay...I haven't been so great at updating my random posts recently. So here is the scoop! This is the picture of all of the dust that I'm dealing with!

I am still working on the remodel. In fact, what was suppose to be just a bathroom remodel and plumbing overhaul, has turned into much, much more. Because of the demolition, the hall way leading into the bathroom is now in need of a remodel. My house was built in the 1930's so the walls are made of plaster. Just an update for all of you remodeling...plaster is easily cracked on supporting walls....so demolish carefully! But, I am trying to deal with the dust, chaos and continued work on my limited budget.

The bathroom is now 100% empty and ready for reframing. I have been walking downstairs to use the bathroom in the middle of the night for over a week now and it is helping me appreciate the new bathroom - I think! In fact, I'm not sure if I have ever said this before, but this house was suppose to be a new beginning for my family. And now it is my new beginning. So while I have been demolishing the walls, concrete floors (another amazing discovery) and 70 year old plaster...I have been demolishing my broken dreams while hoping to start over. Who knew that this would be part of my therapy.

Back to the remodel...of my house (not my soul), one of the major discoveries during this remodel had me speechless. In fact, I still have very few words to express my feelings about this discovery. But the company slogan might actually say it all.

Who actually thinks of advertising the "best in asbestos?" I guess they didn't know better in 1930. So today I am working on reframing with the help of my uncle. He is very patient and has really helped me in my building skills. I think that HGTV or the DIY Network might be designing a show because of my new skills!

Another update, I wrote about Pride this weekend and I got a lot of support...thank you. In fact, there were a couple that wanted to know more about Pride and we got the chance to talk via email and received even more support! So thank you again. I did go! And in fact, I went by myself for over an hour - before I could find my friends and then we stayed for a couple more. It was good, fun, hot and hard..all wrapped into one. I drank, danced, shopped, laughed, cried and even had the opportunity to talk with a few new people. I'm not ready or interested in dating yet...it's only been a couple of months and again...you all know that I think only a crazy person begins another relationship so quickly! But it taught me that I can do this by myself...even if it is hard. And, I learned that other people are interested which was nice for my self esteem (was much needed).

I was going to post something yesterday, because it was exactly one year ago that I returned from taking my "family" to Indiana. I thought of them as my family and I was trying to support the person that I loved the most in following her dreams. So much was brought up yesterday for me that I found it difficult to get through the day. But as I went to bed I remembered that I did exactly what I thought and believed was right for everybody. I would have moved to Indiana, I would have remodeled this house to meet their needs, I loved bug and spent the time to build a trusting and loving relationship with her. I loved Melissa more than words and I gave all that I had to make this be my life long partner. I was honest, loyal, faithful and devoted. But that wasn't what she wanted and I have no choice but to rebuild my life. And I no longer feel the need to beat myself up for something that I had no control over our ending. She made her choices and now I have to make mine...to move forward and fill my life with people who love and support me.

So all of this remodeling has forced me to take a look at my life. I live in a great community...very open, diverse, friendly and supportive. I have an amazing circle of friends who show up, provide love, support and the occasional kick in the ass when needed. My family has been supportive and understanding more than I could have ever dreamed. I miss bug every day. I miss what I thought our relationship was and the dreams of a future. But I look forward to getting stronger. I am excited for my new bathroom and new start in this house. I am researching my options to become a mother and believe that I have a lot of love to give! And while I am scared of what the future holds, I am hopeful that I will meet an amazing, honest, caring, loyal person to share my life with...hopefully.

To go or not to go...that is the question

I am officially functioning with no real walls in the basement, an empty upstairs bathroom...not even a floor and have managed the dust that has taken over my life. So today is mine to spend how ever I choose. This weekend is Pride and today marks an anniversary. Well, not sure if it's really an anniversary as much as just a memory. I have been going to Pride for years to celebrate, participate and drink beer! But a couple of years ago I went as a couple and it was fun, exciting and hopeful.

I said a couple of weeks ago that I am trying to take a step forward...and I really am trying. I want to go with my friends and laugh, participate and drink beer. But I am also afraid that it will bring up more hurt and I don't want to invite more emotions. Pride is a big deal in Denver and draws a large crowd. So there will be a lot of people to watch, interesting people to meet and a line around the port-a-potty that can push even a sane person over the edge.

I'm not sure if I am going to participate this year, but I will absolute support the cause however else I can.

DIY or not

It's early morning and I wanted to give a quick update to the weeks events and I am warning that they are very random. The project, better know as "the pain in my ass" is coming along. The basement is now 100% torn apart and ready for the plumber to come redo all of the house plumbing. There is so much dust in my living space that even running the vacuum several times, dusting and mopping...there is still dust, dust, dust! This morning, my uncle is going to bring me a jackhammer! That's right, a jackhammer. My upstairs bathroom is going to be 100% torn apart by 2:00 this afternoon. It turns out that the floor is concrete and has a tile laminate over top - hence the jackhammer. WTF...who uses concrete as flooring? And just in case you were wondering, no...I have never used a jackhammer. I'm sure that it's going to be much better when this project is done, but right now...this project keeps getting bigger and bigger by the minute.

All of this work has been helpful in keeping me busy and less focused the rest of my life. But that only means that my nights are full of thinking, dreaming (nightmares) and very little rest. I was talking with a friend last night about the project, my heart, botox and kids. I guess all of that came together in my dreams last night because I found myself dreaming about jackhammering all of my floors when bug came into the room begging to help. So my solution in the dream was to put her on the handles so she could ride while I worked. Her laughter actually woke me up this morning and promptly produced both a smile and tears. She would have loved this project but would have hated the noise and dust. And I would know better in real life...a jackhammer is not an amusement park ride. But in my dreams it was perfect and fun. Dreams can feel so real...how is that?

The reason I am doing the work by myself (with some help from my uncle - very little) is because my dad left on Tuesday for a 10-day motorcycle trip. Have you seen Wild Hogs...that's my dad! Maybe not the best timing for his trip, but it is teaching me that I can do more work than I thought possible. I am done learning that I can do things by myself...just in case the universe is listening. I'll post more pictures once the floor is torn apart!

Fun, fun, fun

I got this meme idea from feistyMNgirl and loved the idea. So I did and loved the outcome! You all have to try this...it's a nice break from remodeling, working, cooking, crying...maybe not drinking though! This is what you need to do:

A) Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.

B) Using only the first page, pick an image.

C) Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

Here are the questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Favorite drink?

7. Dream vacation?

8. Favorite dessert?

9. What you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. One Word to describe you.

12. Your flickr name.

Can you tell what my answers were? Tell me how yours turned out!

The walls come down

A little over a year ago I sold my 1940's bungalow and purchased a 1930's French chateau. The house is in a great older community with large trees, wide sidewalks, small shops, restaurants and numerous play grounds. My house is large (too large for myself) but it has great potential...potential might be the key word. You all know that there have been several issues in the past which was why I named my house "The Money Pit!" Finally...a major project which feels like an actual scene from the movie coming to life!

I am remodeling my upstairs bathroom. "I" really means my dad and I are doing the work. Last week the basement walls came down so I could replace all of the plumbing in my chateau! And tomorrow the bathroom will come apart and I will begin rebuilding from scratch. The DIY network, google searches, Home Depot classes and designing plan after plan have become my only source of entertainment.

Good bye ugly tiles! Good bye leaking bathtub! Goodbye money and maybe sanity! Living in a construction zone, running to the basement (also a construction zone) to use the bathroom and taking on such a large project...let's hope I survive!

Blonde or Brunette

A month ago that was the question. Well, it wasn't really the question, because you all remember that I hated brunette. But I wore it, lived with it and then finally I reached my limited. I know that I'm not a supermodel, but I am also no brunette. Blonde is back!

No more angry eyes

One of my favorite movie scenes if from Toy Story...when Mrs. Potato Head packs Mr. Potato Head's "Angry Eyes" in case there is a fight. When I am sad, angry or have a head ache I furrow my brows without effort. Actually, it's a genetic trait that goes all the way back to my great grandmother. It's not really the kind of trait that you brag about or hope to pass on. And I often look angry when I really am not. There are times that it comes in handy, I am an Assistant Principal after all, but I also think that it makes me look unapproachable and upset.

I had a 35th birthday last week and it came with many tears, fears and worries. So during a cry fest to my best friend, she gave me a concerned look and said, "you know, we really need to do something with those lines between your brows!" Hmmm...not really what I was looking for, but it did take my mind off of the issues I had been crying about. She recovered by saying that it's time to wipe away what doesn't really exist. She doesn't think of me as an angry person and the lines on my face say otherwise. She said, eventually you will want to be out in the world again and I want you to feel good about yourself and see what I see. So her birthday gift...BOTOX!

I know some of you might not think it was such a great gift, but I knew it came from such a true and caring place. So I went to the doctors, put ice between my eyes and then he did it...put a needle in my head and 5 seconds later...Done. It wasn't instant results, and in fact it is suppose to take two weeks before final results. But I want you to know...my angry eyes are gone. No more lines, no more furrow...it's gone. And I'm still able to make expressions with my eyes, just not so extreme. Happy Birthday to me!

Starting over

I have thought about my blog constantly since taking my much needed break, and I have worried, planned, written and erased possible entries on a daily basis. But first, I wanted to thank all of you who have offered support, clarity, understanding and even a kick in the butt over the past couple of months. Starting over is hard and scary, but it's also the only solution possible at this point. So I decided to try and work on myself, like myself and trust myself again...and eventually open myself up to love again. I know that healthy people do not bounce from person to person...that is just crazy behavior and totally unhealthy. And I am determined to be a healthy, whole person again . So as the poster says...everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten:

A - Always make sure that I only give myself to somebody who is honest, caring and has integrity. Somebody that will appreciate who I really am and makes me an equal priority.

B - Believe that I am a good person who loves and lives 100%.

C - Choose to move forward and not get stuck in the ugliness of the ending.

D - Drink for celebrations not for self medication. I have done both the last couple of month.

E - Enjoy the people in my life that are caring, honest, loyal...family, friends and myself.

F - Feel exactly what is in front of me. I can't hide from the sadness, shock, disappointment, anger and even happiness. I have to move through the center of those emotions.

G - Grow and learn from each experience (although it still sucks).

H - Heal. It's a minute by minute process.

I - Investigate all of the things that bring me joy and begin to put back into my life.

J - Just breathe! I know that sounds stupid but it's been a necessary phrase.

K - Keep busy, keep trying and keep moving.

L - Listen, learn and love. I need to listen to my heart, learn to start over and believe love will come again.

M - Make myself move (it forces me to keep busy and get out of my head).

N - Notice the good things about myself. This is hard for me, but I think necessary to make sure I am treated better in the future.

O - Opportunities. I am determined to have new experiences this summer.

P - Prepare for good and bad moments.

Q - Quit blaming myself...I didn't do anything wrong but give my heart and soul.

R - Rest, relax and rest some more. I'm on summer break and need to catch up on some sleep.

S - Survive. I am a survivor and this too will pass.

T - Trust the people who are in my life now. And therapy...I am still going.

U - Understand what I want next and what I am looking for next.

V - Visit with people as much as possible to meet new people, learn new things and just be.

W - Wait...just wait. Time has to help...right?

X - Xplore the world around. Okay, I know that it didn't start with an X but what does.

Y - Yell! I have done that in my house, car...really any place that that urge takes over.

Z - Zip back to writing. I have been writing in a journal on my own, but I am ready to share my ideas and life with you again.