Jul 16, 2008

Not ready


Recently, I have struggled with doing what feels right vs. doing what I believe is expected of me. I have cut myself off from the outside world feeling embarrassed that I don't seem to know what the next step should be in my life. And while there has not been a lot of free time over the past couple of weeks...I have found plenty of time to have self doubt, fear and confusion.

I decided that maybe I needed to do something different...try to jump out of the box for a little bit. So, last week I decided to try posting a personal ad. Can you believe it! I was "just looking," I was really trying to meet new people and maybe find out if others would find me attractive or not (not having a lot of self confidence recently). And honestly, while I couldn't imagine dating anybody new...I felt like after 3 months people expected me to be healed and get back out there. So I decided to try something new and maybe it would at least push me through the healing process.

And after a couple of days, several smiles and even a few emails...I realized that I was not ready! I am not ready to put myself or my heart out there again. So I deleted my account and promised myself not to return. I also explained to my friends and family that I am still working through my process and I need them to respect me enough to let me get there on my own time line. And the funny thing...they all agreed. None of them thought that I was ready and they all agreed that I am need to take more time and do what feels right for myself.

WOW...I guess the struggles were in my own head! I need to trust that what works for me is very personal and its okay that I'm still healing. I don't need to push myself into something that I am not ready for now. So I went back and read my past blog posts and diary entries and know that I need to be kind to myself and focus on so many other things right now. There is no time line for me, I just have to take life one day at a time and have faith that it will all turn out okay. I need to believe in myself. What feels right...listen to myself. I am not ready...and that's okay.

10 comments:

R said...

I absolutely love this post. Can I copy it on mine b/c that captures exactly how I feel. Yes my friend, take time, be good to yourself, listen to your heart. Only you know when you are ready, and whtether it be one month or one year, you just do what feels best for you. I am so glad that you were able to get some peace out of this and I hope you can continue gaining some peace and know that you are okay just as you are. :) No rush, ever!!

PinkPiddyPaws said...

Awwwwwwww.... **hugs!!***

Stacie said...

yep...and one thing I am working on as well is loving MYSELF, because if I don't LOVE me, then how can I expect OTHERS to love ME. Also, the more confidence you can exude yourself, the more you will attract other confident people.

HUGS, when it is time, it is time...you are the only one that can decide that for yourself. Listen to your heart and mind...and you can't go wrong doing that.

Caroline said...

I totally agree...take all the time you need. Don't let anyone tell you that "it's time to start dating". When you are ready you will know it. Trust yourself.

Suze's Sass said...

When the time is right, you'll find the perfect person for you. Now is the time to heal and do things for yourself!!

Tara said...

I have canceled so many of those accounts only to rejoin with them later. Right now I'm not on any matchmaking sites.

Only you can tell yourself when you're ready to put yourself out there. Just take your time.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I'm with Suze on this and -hey at least you tried and now you know that you're not ready. I hope you can start to have some fun and not worry about it so much.

Gwen said...

I remain in awe of your courage. A personal ad is a tough thing to do when you're in a good place, let alone 3 months after a gut-wrenching break up. Take your time. Focus on you, not anyone else, and one day you'll wake up and feel better. Baby steps.

Whiskeymarie said...

It's cliche', but I do think that the universe will let you know when you're ready.
Trust your instincts, finish your bathroom.
;)

Marcy "meg" said...

Take all the time you need and one day you will be ready!