Mar 30, 2008

Not so easy...

The past several months have not been something that i am hoping to live again any time soon. Between the house woes, weight gain, BOSS (shit head), putting Chester down and now losing my family...I think that maybe I have officially hit bottom. Please, please, please...if you can hope for that to be true I would be so grateful.

I so appreciate all of you who have read my blog and provided comfort and support when I am sure you have been thinking "will there ever be a happy moment in this girls life." I have had a lot of happy moments in my life, hell I've had a lot of happy moments in this month. But it's hard to feel happiness when you are all alone and mending a broken heart. I have depended on my relationship with Melissa to help me feel comfortable and confident to post different thoughts. She was my constant, the person that I told all of my stories and secrets to and then decided what and how to share with all of you. She really is the smartest person that I have known, except for maybe my dad, but I depended on her to help me say things correctly and sort through what might not sound so smart.

Sorry...I got off topic. I am going to try and go back and talk about my life, feelings, and things that catch my attention. I guess...I'm going back to the basics. So while I am trying to take life one minute at a time, I will also try to just put myself out there and hope that this blog starts to look a little more upbeat.

If I could say one more thing about life being easy, I guess it's really a question...does it ever really happen? Are only some people destined to love and happiness. I know that everybody has lost a relationship in their life...I know that. But I waited a long time for this one relationship and I wanted nothing more than for it to work out. And I continue to think about what I could have done differently, should have done differently...if you work hard isn't it suppose to work out? If it were up to me I we would all be together and working towards happily ever after...but I have been told that it's not that easy.

Mar 25, 2008

And then there was one.

I am so sorry that I have not posted in a week. My last post was about my beautiful family and the women that I love so much. But because of several reasons, there is just me now. I have lost my family and it has caused me to consider closing this blog. I originally created this blog to express my love for Melissa and seek advice for traveling this new territory. I have shared my ups and downs and mostly my joy for this relationship. But the distance, confusion and frustration has finally resulted in a separation from the person that I love the most in life. She is an amazing person who is well written, extremely insightful and an amazing person. So please continue to visit her blog and comment on her excellent entries. I am going to take a time out from blogging to try and mourn this relationship. I will return, but need to take some time.

Mar 19, 2008

My girls

These are my girls...all three of them. As most of you know, our current situation requires us to be creative and committed to each other more than most. The distance at times seems to be another world, but then I am reminded of how much I love all of them and how much they are part of my every day life. Ellie is such a bright and beautiful little girl who reminds me of her mom on almost every occasion. She tickles my funny bone like no other and brings me pure joy as I watch her grow into a whole person. She is going to be such a force in the world that I hope all of you are prepared. Cagney...what can I say except I love that girl. She is soft, sweet and a little pathetic in her quest for food! I love how she hops when you walk in the door and rolls her face in the dirt just because she can.

Lastly, Melissa is the love of my life...she is my "list." Years ago I wrote a list of all the traits that would make my idea partner and then Melissa came into my life. She is funny, SMART, kind, strong and gentle (I know that may not make any sense). I am so grateful to have these three females as my family, and I want to scream it from the roof tops! I waited my entire adult life to have a relationship and now that I have a family I feel it stronger than anything.

I miss my family and can't wait to see them, hold them and give out kisses! I pray for a day to come when we are all actually in the same space, holding, kissing and loving each other.

Mar 18, 2008


Okay, I promised myself that this blog was going to be more upbeat and provide a tad bit more humor to the world. But this must be said first...FUCK YOU TO ALL OF THE SELF-ESTEEM SUCKING BUTTHEADS IN THE WORLD! Hmm, I actually do feel better now.

I am a licensed therapist (no longer practicing...maybe I should) and have heard thousands of stories from people with low self-esteem who have other people in their lives continuing to stomp on the few shreds of their esteem left. And I have done a pretty good job of not being angry at the world for those soul crushing people. But when it becomes personal, I'm not able to counsel myself with self-esteem boosting lessons or positive affirmations. And this week I find myself with a life sucking asshole attached to my every move. I have the dumbest boss in the world and I want to look him in the eyes and yell "FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!" almost every minute of the day. Does that sound angry?

So I find placing blame for everything in my life on myself to be the most natural solution to this problem. I have assigned "bad luck" the responsibility of my sadness, pain and anger in my life. My low self-esteem also seems to be a close friend with Mr. Luck! But I am going to try and be my own counselor for a moment. I deserve good things in life! I am a good person who cares so much about the people in my life and the kids that I work with every day. I deserve love, happiness, a good job, stability and excitement! I am taking back control over my life and saying "FUCK YOU WORLD...I DESERVE BETTER AND AM GOING TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN!" So either jump on board, or get the hell out of my way. Life is too short to carry life sucking buttheads around.

Thanks for the vent. I promise a little more joy and humor next time!

Mar 11, 2008

So funny except...

for the fact that it is real. I moved into a new house almost one year ago and was so excited about the potential. And every time I turn around, a new opportunity for "potential" seems to present itself. For example, I had a wonderful dishwasher that was part of the house, and within two months of settling in...WHAM! Dishwasher broke and I had to dish out money for a new machine. I also have a wonderful lawn! It's so green, thick...amazing actually. And then in August I got the water bill at it was over $350! Might explain the quality of lawn and now I need to fix an obvious leak in the sprinkler system.

Let me bump it up just a bit. I purchased a new water heater within the first month (part of the inspection discovery). And yet there isn't enough hot water to get through one shower. I have had the company come visit, repair and begged for a new water heater. And then I began to notice a leak in the basement that occurs only after I take a shower. I am not tearing apart my basement to replace all of the plumbing and update all of the electrical. I am going to begin remodeling my upstairs bathroom (just so it will not leak downstairs)! Ugh!!!

So all of that said, the funny part of this story...well maybe there isn't one! My washing machine has fallen off of the base and I can't use it nor can I lift it into place by myself. So I called my dad asking him to help! Today he came over and left me this note: "tried to fix the washer, but the actual bottom of the machine has fallen off!" What the fuck does that mean! How does the bottom of a washing machine fall off? "I will try to fix later in the week, but you may need to buy a new machine."

Potential...yeah it may have potential to make my hair fall out!

Mar 9, 2008

How is that possible?

I have one tooth that has been giving me trouble for months. Actually, I had a root canal on this tooth in September and I have had constant pain every day. So yesterday I went back to the specialist and begged for relief...two hours later and a ton of poking and prodding MY TOOTH HURTS MORE THAN EVER! He could find nothing except for infection and told me to wait a month and we would look again. Hmm...what is wrong with this picture?

Mar 3, 2008

Dream JOB

I was talking with a friend tonight about how we picked our careers. I never had a teacher, counselor or adult ever ask "what do you want to do after graduation?" I'm not blaming anybody, but I do wonder...what the HELL did the adults in my life think I was actually going to do for a living? I wasn't the best student, but I did get mostly B's and an occasional C, I was hard working and while I am not the smartest person in the world...I don't think that most people consider me stupid. So WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE! Hmm...back to the point.

I believe that everybody is born with some gifts. I was a waitress and bartender for several years in college and a few afterwards. I was really good at that job, but it really wasn't my goal to be a great waitress or bartender. I was hoping for something a little different. I have worked in business, residential counseling, school counseling, cake decorating, retail and assistant principal to name a few. I have found some great things and some not so great in every job. In the end, none of the jobs I have had or have meet the "Dream job" description.

What is my dream job...I have three! The fact that there are three careers that I am drawn to isn't that amazing, but the complete randomness (is that even a word) is amazing.

1. Criminal Investigator. I love the idea of putting together pieces of a puzzle to help catch the bad person and make the world a safer place. 2. Contractor. The DIY network is my new favorite and I dream of remodeling kitchens, baths, yards...whatever! I do like the idea much better when it's not my money needed for the remodeling. 3. Family Court Judge! This would be the top of my list for career choices. Again, it has something to do with making the world a safer place by holding parents accountable for their choices.

I WON'T BE A PROFESSIONAL BLOGGER. I Can't figure out how to make the pictures appear in different places!

I look at that list and feel a little stuck. Where do I start and how do I start? Which do I choose and why? Can I really do any of the jobs or is it just a fantasy? Ugh! Would have been a good idea to dream about this 17 years ago. I can always dream!