I'm ashamed to admit

that the green eyed monster has taken over my being or at least taken up temporary residence. I am not proud and know that there are so many other people in the world who have so much less and I need to just appreciate what I do have. I know...but I have still been feeling jealous recently of others. I went to a new restaurant in my neighborhood last night and was jealous of the couples and families who were there together. Laughing, talking, eating and drinking...just being. I felt jealous of my friends who called me today to share their upcoming romantic getaway plans. The final straw...my co-worker announced to me today that she is four months pregnant and I felt it in my gut. JEALOUSY! I am not proud...and I am happy for her, for my friends and for those eating last night. But it doesn't change that feeling in my gut...the green eyed monster.

Schools back

5:00 a.m.!!! That was the time of my alarm...can you believe it! For the first time in over a month I had to wake up at 5:00 a.m. I spent the entire day in meetings...from 7:30 until 5:30 and have more scheduled for tomorrow. We discussed how to improve test scores, decrease student drop out rates, developing various interventions for students who struggle finding success and so much more. And then there were conversations about our summer break, personal life updates and plans for finding new jobs. There were people who I haven't seen since last years beginning of the year kick-off one year ago. I spent a lot of time thinking how different everything is a year later. But this is my year to make changes...at least professionally. I am hoping for a smooth year and full support to make a change in positions next year. But for now, I am feeling sad that summer break is over and school has returned.

Hey...go take a hike!

Yesterday my head was spinning with thoughts and I was standing in my house trying to figure out what to do next. That's when my phone rang and my friend was on the other line telling me to put on my shoes because we were going for a hike. I have always wanted to do more hiking...I live in Colorado where there are so many options and beautiful sites. So this summer that was one of my goals, to hike often and explore different trails. I have been several times but had taken a break over the past couple of weeks because of the remodel project.

Yesterday, we were an hour away from the city, walking on a path while clouds blew over head and cooled us off. It was quiet, calm, relaxing...it was perfect. My head stopped spinning and I felt calm. I'm glad that hiking was one of my goals for the summer...has made me appreciate Colorado so much more.

Take a seat

It's official...I have a working toilet in my new bathroom! I installed a chair height toilet and because I'm not that tall (although I feel tall) I was worried that my feet wouldn't touch the floor. They do! And I am loving having a toilet again. It's not done yet, so you have to wait a little longer for pictures.

The Return of Pony Express

Okay I just have to say that I need the Pony Express to start again! I have not received an email since Friday morning. Nothing, nada...zip! I have sent emails late at night to friends hoping to receive a response - NO. Friends have sent me test emails - NOTHING! How do I function without email? When did I become so addicted to my email? Hope you all had a good weekend and I'm sure that all of you did send detailed emails and they are just lost in limbo!

I didn't do it...

Sense of humor...not having a main floor bathroom for over a month has made me question if there is anything really funny in the world. But tonight reminded me that no matter what is happening...laughter is always the best medicine. I worked on the bathroom today for almost 15 hours trying to get everything finished hoping to have a completed bathroom by Monday!

Out of the kindness of her heart, my mom decided to come and help me grout and clean the shower tiles. And within minutes of calling it quits...I hear "OH SHIT!" I looked up and saw my mom staring at the wall repeating her favorite word (sounds like puck) over and over. Some how she cracked a tile and in fact part of it snapped off. Three days of lying tile, hours of planning and designing and in one second my mom cracks a tile! My first instinct...point my finger and say..."I didn't do it! You better tell dad in the morning before he comes over to help me that you broke the tile." So nice of me...so adult!

By the time she left, I pulled myself together and assured her that it was okay, a freak accident that could have happened to either of us and we would find a simple solution. And after all of that, tonight I am going to close my eyes knowing that "I didn't do it...mom did!"

Not ready

Recently, I have struggled with doing what feels right vs. doing what I believe is expected of me. I have cut myself off from the outside world feeling embarrassed that I don't seem to know what the next step should be in my life. And while there has not been a lot of free time over the past couple of weeks...I have found plenty of time to have self doubt, fear and confusion.

I decided that maybe I needed to do something different...try to jump out of the box for a little bit. So, last week I decided to try posting a personal ad. Can you believe it! I was "just looking," I was really trying to meet new people and maybe find out if others would find me attractive or not (not having a lot of self confidence recently). And honestly, while I couldn't imagine dating anybody new...I felt like after 3 months people expected me to be healed and get back out there. So I decided to try something new and maybe it would at least push me through the healing process.

And after a couple of days, several smiles and even a few emails...I realized that I was not ready! I am not ready to put myself or my heart out there again. So I deleted my account and promised myself not to return. I also explained to my friends and family that I am still working through my process and I need them to respect me enough to let me get there on my own time line. And the funny thing...they all agreed. None of them thought that I was ready and they all agreed that I am need to take more time and do what feels right for myself.

WOW...I guess the struggles were in my own head! I need to trust that what works for me is very personal and its okay that I'm still healing. I don't need to push myself into something that I am not ready for now. So I went back and read my past blog posts and diary entries and know that I need to be kind to myself and focus on so many other things right now. There is no time line for me, I just have to take life one day at a time and have faith that it will all turn out okay. I need to believe in myself. What feels right...listen to myself. I am not ready...and that's okay.