Just breathe

That's exactly what I did after my last post. Well I did that and had a therapy session. But it helped me push past that bad place, moment, time. And it helped me to focus on right now what I can control. I can focus on my job (or maybe searching for something new). I can focus on my friendships. I can focus on my health...I actually lost 4 pounds last week. I knew that depression was good for one thing! I can focus on fixing my house and making it a home.

I am determined to continue to have a role in bugs life. She is my heart and even if I'm not one of her moms, I will continue to be available for her as a loved one. I am going to be a mom...maybe not right now, but eventually I will either adopt or carry a child and I will love them.

I am a strong woman who has a lot of love and life to share. While I am sad and have stumbled, I will stand up and take care of myself. I may never have a partner, but I will have a child, I will have bug in my life, I will have my family and friends...and I will have myself.

TGIM...

How stupid is my life that I'm grateful for Monday. Weekends are hard...down time is hard so coming back to work gives me a real focus other than myself. The constant thoughts that run through my head...what if, could I, should I...blah, blah, blah! At the end, nothing changed and I have just been harder and harder on myself. Yesterday I was working in my yard when the girls next door came over and asked if bug could play. They didn't know. How could they have known. I sent her a gift today and hope that it brings her joy and a smile to her face. She use to talk to me about having a sister and that I should name her Strawberry. So I have been thinking about those memories and it brings tears and a smile.

Melissa and I use to joke about my constant conversations in my head. She was my partner and best friend, but I still had conversations with myself or Chester daily. But because there is nobody else to talk with now, I find myself either in complete silence for hours or having a constant conversation hoping that everything will be okay. One step forward and ten steps back. That seems to be my dance. So for now, I try to picture the look on bugs face when she opens her gift. I put Melissa perfume on my wrist so I can have something close. And I try to just put one foot forward. TGIM!

Flashback or Flash dance

Remember scheduling an appointment for the perfect up do and making sure that your hair had plenty of aquanet to support the full dancing experience! Prom night...so many expectation and so rarely were they ever met. When I think of prom I think of crazy outfits, unnatural updo's, drinking, couples fighting and breaking up and sex. Hmmm...those might have been the same things that I thought about when thinking of prom as a kid and nothing has changed. Last night, I attended our school prom and after prom until 4:00 this morning! Can you believe it...4 a.m. and not one drink was involved. Well, at least I didn't have any drinks but I can't say the same for many of our students.

The dance was help in a old mansion that seemed to have 1,000 hiding places and believe me...there was some steamy things happening every time we I turned the corner. I boy threw up on the dance floor an hour before it ended and while his mom was walking him out with a suspension and ticket from the police for alcohol, his dates yelled..."see ya!" and she left with a boy who came alone. I saw at least 15 couples through out the evening fighting, crying and breaking up. There were girls who purchased their dresses at STRIPPERS R US and I believe there were even a few wigs.

The after prom party was a haunted house theme and had a casino, sumo wrestling (costumes included), obstacle courses with blow up structures, food, food, food and more food. But just like always, only half of the students who attend prom found their way to after prom.

But here the most shocking information! Every couple that I spoke with had spent approximately $400! Yes...you saw that number right...$400! And I am 100% sure the majority of the money came from parents. Let me think...I could spend $400 and get a dress that can only be worn once, eat dinner at Mac Grill (because that is always a place they pick), limo ride, crowded dance where a random boy might throw up his last shot of whiskey on me ugly dress, ultimately to have my date yell, flirt and dump me! Hmmm...no thanks.

So much has changed and yet so much stays the same. Do you remember prom?

Do what????

I realize that recently my blog has turned into a freak show...which is now my life. But I did think that this might offer a little distraction for all of you, I know that it did for me. I have a ganglion cyst on my foot (my dansko shoes are the cause) and it continues to bother me daily. My friend Catherine always tells me to hit it with a book, which is also what my doctor recommended! WHAT! It's hard to throw a heavy book on your own foot knowing that it's going to hurt. No matter what is happening in my life, the idea of inflicting more pain is crazy. But today at work I couldn't take it any longer...so I picked the heaviest text book (I'm sure that is not what it was ever intended for) and slammed it on my foot. Actually, it took me at least 2 minutes to get the courage to follow through but it worked. My foot is swollen and bruised but the cyst has gone down. Stupid dansko...but great use of text books!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t833cUDI3ws&feature=related

I HAVE A BUG!!!!

I posted a nice comment about the sun coming out and being pushed to go outside. And then there was a comment added and when I tried to read it send my computer was infected. I did a scan, removed infected files, updated all of my spy ware and computer fix-it stuff! But the link is still on my last post and I don't want any of you to have it infect your blogs.

I am not an technology expert. That was Melissa's area and so I need help. What should I do? Have I done what's necessary to get rid of this bug? This stupid bug was my slap back into reality...back to what I'm missing. Can you help...any advice on the bug...my computer?

Summer is around the corner

...maybe only for the weekend. It was almost 80 for the past two days and tomorrow is still scheduled to bring high 70's. So grateful for some sun and warmth and it's forcing to get outside and work in the yard, take walks around the park and ride the scooter. Last fall I planted tulips in my front flower box...actually I planted around 130 tulips and they are now starting to bloom. And just as I am adjusting to flip flops and sunglasses, Monday brings snow and cold again.

It's okay...I'm going to soak up all the sun I can.

Good morning to you too...

The first human contact I had this morning was a mom telling me to f!@# off because I sent an attendance letter home. Who has a job where that is the first thing you hear in the morning? Who would have guessed that a career in education would falls under that category? What shocks you about your job?

7 more years!

Okay...I may officially have the worst luck. When I'm stressed...I love to pick. I'm sure that is too much information but what do I have to loose. I like to see my flaw and pick and it is done best with a magnifying mirror. I have actually coveted those fancy magnifying mirrors because while their main purpose is to see your own flaws...they look pretty as well. I know, I know...this post has therapy session written all over it - but that's not the point. A month ago I finally broke down and finally purchased my own mirror and ran home quickly to feed my unhealthy obsession. I took it out of the package and BAM! It was broken. I didn't break the mirror, but regardless my mirror is broken. And we all know that a broken mirror is 7 years of bad luck. I have never really believed in that theory, but now after everything I have started to wonder.

Last week I took my broken mirror back for an exchange and they were out of stock. But the store ordered one and had it shipped to my house. So maybe my luck had started to change. I just got home, opened the door and there sat a package. I opened it so excited to finally feed my obsession and BAM...you guessed it...7 more years. Now I am looking at 14 years of bad luck. Who has luck like that?

Our junk...your treasure

This picture has nothing to do with my post...but when I googled "junk" this is an example of what came up. Actually, the first picture that came up was of a woman's butt. So random...but a little funny.

A pile of scrap wood, school desks and pencil sharpeners would be a better idea of what I'm talking about. Yesterday I worked a school fundraiser put on my our alumni group. Thanks to a bond passed a couple of years ago, we have a new school building and moved in a couple of weeks ago. The old (original) building is scheduled to be demolished next week. And while that would normally bring joy to the community, there is a large alumni group that feels such sadness over the loss of our building. So they planned and advertised a "Good-bye BBQ" to raise money for the new building and give of the community an opportunity to walk the old building halls and take anything that help ease the pain. Hmm. I am also a graduate of this school and I know that given a choice...I would not have attended. It was high school...why would I want to walk through the halls or take a locker? I don't really get it.

But what I understand even less...people were actually taking junk like "exit" signs, pieces of wood from the bleachers (which replaced the original bleachers 15 years ago), chunks of the gym floor...you get the idea. What are they going to do with this stuff? And does taking a piece of wood help them relive high school?

I know that because I work in the school that I graduated from people would assume that I get the bond to a building. But that's not true. I know that for a lot of people high school was a great time, but doesn't life go on? Does taking a piece of the gym floor really bring back joy on a daily basis? I don't get it...but whatever works for them.

stumble my a@#...

I went to therapy this morning and I'm sure that it's not a big surprise. It always feels a little strange as a therapist to get therapy. And I usually know what they are going to say and ask, but I can also admit when I need help gaining perspective. But during my session, she looked at me, handed me Kleenex and told me that this was a stumble in my life. WTF does that mean! I was so angry and snapped back at her. This is my life and I want it all back!!!! I didn't f@#$ing stumble...UGH! After she put her head back on that I ripped off...she apologized for sounding stupid (my word not hers). But she then went on to clarify that stumbled meant that something happened on my journey and I tripped and have fallen. And at this point I can either spend every minute stuck on the ground trying to figure out what I could have done to avoid the fall, or I can stand up again. And if I stand the pain and confusion may still be there, but at least I am trying to be on my feet again.

So today I stood up again and I am going to try and stop fixing things that I have no control over. I have stuff to work on in my life that needs some attention and I need to focus on what I can control, not the things I can't. I have been afraid that if I stood up again that the door would close behind me...and then there would be no hope for it to be better. We talked about trusting that I have been clear how I feel and about what I want. She asked if what I have been doing has changed the outcome...NO DR. PHIL! So I am going to stand up and take a step towards life again. And I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me to death that I will never have the life I want again, but I have been clear...I love, I miss, I hope...and I also have to be a strong woman and stand up.

Hello Charlie Brown

Today has been one of the dark days. The kind of day that it would be best to stay in bed and hide from the world. It's one of those days when all that you hear is Charlie Brown's teacher and nothing makes any sense. I want to have something interesting to talk about and share. I want to tell a funny story about an adventure. But instead, I went through the day hearing my own negative self-talk running over and over again. And I know that it's normal to have these moments when you are grieving, but IT SUCKS! So I'm going to crawl into bed and hope that tomorrow brings a different perspective.

Happy Birthday

Even at the worst of moments, there are a few things that make me smile. I have been trying to identify my comfort items recently and one of those is my pink scooter. I love scooters and the freedom they represent. But the part that I love about mine the most...IT'S PINK! I love pink and I even have a matching pink helmet. I'm sure that you are wondering what this has to do with my title. Today my niece turned 9 and she got a pink scooter with a matching pink helmet. Of course, the scooter is smaller than mine but it made me smile and brought her the same joy. And when she opened the present, she turned around and look at me and said "now I can be just like you aunt Tracie" and my heart melted.

My niece is a sweet person who worries about doing the right thing, other people's happiness and generally everything that she can imagine. And today I was happy to see her enjoy a stress free day. I love her for who she is and free grateful that she would want to be like me. Maybe I will get us pink jackets so she will feel like we really are the same.

Accomplishment...Plus a little humor

I have poured my heart out on this blog and thank you for all of the support. But I also wanted to share some of the other things that have been going on in my life.

I have finished a book! You know that I have struggled with finishing books in the past but I finally focused and finished a GREAT book. I wish that there was a book club out there that I could join right this moment and talk about what I thought, how it moved me and what the message really was. This book is amazing! Has anybody read this book?

I also had a funny moment today at work...funny and wrong. I had several students who were involved in using and possession of drugs at school today. I was in the process of interviewing them when I grabbed a pair of latex gloves to search through their possessions. Believe me...gloves are mandatory when touching their shoes! Not the funny part. One of the young ladies asked me if I really was going to do a full body search. I pulled my gloves out and asked...what do you think I have these gloves for? Ha! Her eyes got so big and she pulled out the pipe and bag of pot and begged me to believe that she wasn't hiding anything else. After I contacted her parents and the police, I let her know that the gloves were for searching her backpack, shoes and jacket...but thanks for being so honest.

Wish you knew

I know that you do not read this blog anymore so I feel like it is safe to write this letter and just put it out into the universe. I am so lonely and have such strong emotions that I feel like I am going to explode. It has only been a couple of days since we stopped talking but it feels like forever. I find myself talking to you in the car, while I wander around the empty house, at work during times of stress, late at night while the world is sleeping...every moment there is a pause. I know that you needed a break from us to determine what you really wanted in life and needed to be away from me...and I am honoring that wish for you, but it is so hard to loose you. I find myself fighting the desperate feeling almost every second always hoping that I will wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. But then another day begins and I realize that nothing changed and this is now my reality.

I have never felt the way that I have felt for you. I had been single my entire adult life always afraid that I would never find my perfect mate. I have always said that I love fully and then the people in my life decide that they want something else...and they leave me...they always leave me. And then you came along and taught me to trust you and how to love fully and give myself to another person. You taught me how to be a better parent and gave me the opportunity to love the most amazing little girl. All of my dreams have been centered around being in the same place, raising bug, having more children...growing old and loving you. You were able to take away that constant fear that I would end up alone. You loved me...

I miss hearing your voice and imagining the look on your face while you tell stories. I miss holding your hand and feeling the strength in your arms and fingers. I miss your scent and experiencing the instant comfort that comes from that memory. I miss you and I miss us. I find myself fighting tears at every moment of the day hoping there will be some type of craziness to take my mind off of the loss. I know that your life has to move forward and I hope that one day mine will as well, but I can't image my life without my family and that was you and bug.

I fear that you will forget how much you were loved by me and how much you meant to me. I fear that I will become the forgotten partner and step-parent. I fear that you will forget me. I fear that I will not be able to push past this sadness and will be stuck in that place forever. I fear the day when bug no longer remembers who I am and how much I love her. And while I know that the best thing for her in the end is to move on and forget me...the idea of that breaks my heart and drops me to my knees. My biggest fear that nobody will stay and that you would leave is now my reality. And more than anything I wish that there was something I could do to change the ending.

I love you. I have loved you from the beginning and would give anything to make this ending nothing but a nightmare. But I know that it is real and I know that I have no control. So I just needed to write this letter and say...I LOVE YOU! And you and bug will always have a place in my heart...in my soul.