Apr 2, 2008

Wish you knew

I know that you do not read this blog anymore so I feel like it is safe to write this letter and just put it out into the universe. I am so lonely and have such strong emotions that I feel like I am going to explode. It has only been a couple of days since we stopped talking but it feels like forever. I find myself talking to you in the car, while I wander around the empty house, at work during times of stress, late at night while the world is sleeping...every moment there is a pause. I know that you needed a break from us to determine what you really wanted in life and needed to be away from me...and I am honoring that wish for you, but it is so hard to loose you. I find myself fighting the desperate feeling almost every second always hoping that I will wake up and realize that it was just a bad dream. But then another day begins and I realize that nothing changed and this is now my reality.

I have never felt the way that I have felt for you. I had been single my entire adult life always afraid that I would never find my perfect mate. I have always said that I love fully and then the people in my life decide that they want something else...and they leave me...they always leave me. And then you came along and taught me to trust you and how to love fully and give myself to another person. You taught me how to be a better parent and gave me the opportunity to love the most amazing little girl. All of my dreams have been centered around being in the same place, raising bug, having more children...growing old and loving you. You were able to take away that constant fear that I would end up alone. You loved me...

I miss hearing your voice and imagining the look on your face while you tell stories. I miss holding your hand and feeling the strength in your arms and fingers. I miss your scent and experiencing the instant comfort that comes from that memory. I miss you and I miss us. I find myself fighting tears at every moment of the day hoping there will be some type of craziness to take my mind off of the loss. I know that your life has to move forward and I hope that one day mine will as well, but I can't image my life without my family and that was you and bug.

I fear that you will forget how much you were loved by me and how much you meant to me. I fear that I will become the forgotten partner and step-parent. I fear that you will forget me. I fear that I will not be able to push past this sadness and will be stuck in that place forever. I fear the day when bug no longer remembers who I am and how much I love her. And while I know that the best thing for her in the end is to move on and forget me...the idea of that breaks my heart and drops me to my knees. My biggest fear that nobody will stay and that you would leave is now my reality. And more than anything I wish that there was something I could do to change the ending.

I love you. I have loved you from the beginning and would give anything to make this ending nothing but a nightmare. But I know that it is real and I know that I have no control. So I just needed to write this letter and say...I LOVE YOU! And you and bug will always have a place in my heart...in my soul.

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