stumble my a@#...

I went to therapy this morning and I'm sure that it's not a big surprise. It always feels a little strange as a therapist to get therapy. And I usually know what they are going to say and ask, but I can also admit when I need help gaining perspective. But during my session, she looked at me, handed me Kleenex and told me that this was a stumble in my life. WTF does that mean! I was so angry and snapped back at her. This is my life and I want it all back!!!! I didn't f@#$ing stumble...UGH! After she put her head back on that I ripped off...she apologized for sounding stupid (my word not hers). But she then went on to clarify that stumbled meant that something happened on my journey and I tripped and have fallen. And at this point I can either spend every minute stuck on the ground trying to figure out what I could have done to avoid the fall, or I can stand up again. And if I stand the pain and confusion may still be there, but at least I am trying to be on my feet again.

So today I stood up again and I am going to try and stop fixing things that I have no control over. I have stuff to work on in my life that needs some attention and I need to focus on what I can control, not the things I can't. I have been afraid that if I stood up again that the door would close behind me...and then there would be no hope for it to be better. We talked about trusting that I have been clear how I feel and about what I want. She asked if what I have been doing has changed the outcome...NO DR. PHIL! So I am going to stand up and take a step towards life again. And I would be lying if I said it doesn't scare me to death that I will never have the life I want again, but I have been clear...I love, I miss, I hope...and I also have to be a strong woman and stand up.