I'm ashamed to admit

that the green eyed monster has taken over my being or at least taken up temporary residence. I am not proud and know that there are so many other people in the world who have so much less and I need to just appreciate what I do have. I know...but I have still been feeling jealous recently of others. I went to a new restaurant in my neighborhood last night and was jealous of the couples and families who were there together. Laughing, talking, eating and drinking...just being. I felt jealous of my friends who called me today to share their upcoming romantic getaway plans. The final straw...my co-worker announced to me today that she is four months pregnant and I felt it in my gut. JEALOUSY! I am not proud...and I am happy for her, for my friends and for those eating last night. But it doesn't change that feeling in my gut...the green eyed monster.

Schools back

5:00 a.m.!!! That was the time of my alarm...can you believe it! For the first time in over a month I had to wake up at 5:00 a.m. I spent the entire day in meetings...from 7:30 until 5:30 and have more scheduled for tomorrow. We discussed how to improve test scores, decrease student drop out rates, developing various interventions for students who struggle finding success and so much more. And then there were conversations about our summer break, personal life updates and plans for finding new jobs. There were people who I haven't seen since last years beginning of the year kick-off one year ago. I spent a lot of time thinking how different everything is a year later. But this is my year to make changes...at least professionally. I am hoping for a smooth year and full support to make a change in positions next year. But for now, I am feeling sad that summer break is over and school has returned.

Hey...go take a hike!

Yesterday my head was spinning with thoughts and I was standing in my house trying to figure out what to do next. That's when my phone rang and my friend was on the other line telling me to put on my shoes because we were going for a hike. I have always wanted to do more hiking...I live in Colorado where there are so many options and beautiful sites. So this summer that was one of my goals, to hike often and explore different trails. I have been several times but had taken a break over the past couple of weeks because of the remodel project.

Yesterday, we were an hour away from the city, walking on a path while clouds blew over head and cooled us off. It was quiet, calm, relaxing...it was perfect. My head stopped spinning and I felt calm. I'm glad that hiking was one of my goals for the summer...has made me appreciate Colorado so much more.

Take a seat

It's official...I have a working toilet in my new bathroom! I installed a chair height toilet and because I'm not that tall (although I feel tall) I was worried that my feet wouldn't touch the floor. They do! And I am loving having a toilet again. It's not done yet, so you have to wait a little longer for pictures.

The Return of Pony Express

Okay I just have to say that I need the Pony Express to start again! I have not received an email since Friday morning. Nothing, nada...zip! I have sent emails late at night to friends hoping to receive a response - NO. Friends have sent me test emails - NOTHING! How do I function without email? When did I become so addicted to my email? Hope you all had a good weekend and I'm sure that all of you did send detailed emails and they are just lost in limbo!

I didn't do it...

Sense of humor...not having a main floor bathroom for over a month has made me question if there is anything really funny in the world. But tonight reminded me that no matter what is happening...laughter is always the best medicine. I worked on the bathroom today for almost 15 hours trying to get everything finished hoping to have a completed bathroom by Monday!

Out of the kindness of her heart, my mom decided to come and help me grout and clean the shower tiles. And within minutes of calling it quits...I hear "OH SHIT!" I looked up and saw my mom staring at the wall repeating her favorite word (sounds like puck) over and over. Some how she cracked a tile and in fact part of it snapped off. Three days of lying tile, hours of planning and designing and in one second my mom cracks a tile! My first instinct...point my finger and say..."I didn't do it! You better tell dad in the morning before he comes over to help me that you broke the tile." So nice of me...so adult!

By the time she left, I pulled myself together and assured her that it was okay, a freak accident that could have happened to either of us and we would find a simple solution. And after all of that, tonight I am going to close my eyes knowing that "I didn't do it...mom did!"

Not ready

Recently, I have struggled with doing what feels right vs. doing what I believe is expected of me. I have cut myself off from the outside world feeling embarrassed that I don't seem to know what the next step should be in my life. And while there has not been a lot of free time over the past couple of weeks...I have found plenty of time to have self doubt, fear and confusion.

I decided that maybe I needed to do something different...try to jump out of the box for a little bit. So, last week I decided to try posting a personal ad. Can you believe it! I was "just looking," I was really trying to meet new people and maybe find out if others would find me attractive or not (not having a lot of self confidence recently). And honestly, while I couldn't imagine dating anybody new...I felt like after 3 months people expected me to be healed and get back out there. So I decided to try something new and maybe it would at least push me through the healing process.

And after a couple of days, several smiles and even a few emails...I realized that I was not ready! I am not ready to put myself or my heart out there again. So I deleted my account and promised myself not to return. I also explained to my friends and family that I am still working through my process and I need them to respect me enough to let me get there on my own time line. And the funny thing...they all agreed. None of them thought that I was ready and they all agreed that I am need to take more time and do what feels right for myself.

WOW...I guess the struggles were in my own head! I need to trust that what works for me is very personal and its okay that I'm still healing. I don't need to push myself into something that I am not ready for now. So I went back and read my past blog posts and diary entries and know that I need to be kind to myself and focus on so many other things right now. There is no time line for me, I just have to take life one day at a time and have faith that it will all turn out okay. I need to believe in myself. What feels right...listen to myself. I am not ready...and that's okay.

No tv show for me

The bathroom remodeling project feels like it has taken over my life! When I purchased this house, I always knew that we would redo the bathroom. And while I expected this project be large, gutting the entire bathroom and rebuilding from scratch, in reality this project now effects so much more. Over the past five weeks, my bathroom, basement, hallway and bedroom have all been effected by this project. I have learned how to do so many home building and home improvement techniques, but all of them have taught me that maybe I won't be getting a show on the DIY Network after all. I have spent the past three days putting up tile in my bathroom shower. Three days! So if ever there was doubt, it is clear now...no show!

Its nice to feel like all of the hard work is going to have a shiny new outcome very soon. It's just too bad that nobody else is here to appreciate the final product. But I am getting close and can't wait to share with all of you.

Hmmm...that's all I can say

I'm sorry that my last post was so gross. It's one of those weeks. I have so much stuff going on and yet I can't get it together to talk about anything. What is that all about? Any suggestions?

I have to share this story...

But for any of you that are easily grossed out...I am sorry. My brother called me yesterday because he had to share what had just happened at his house. He has a St. Bernard who is always getting into trouble. So while they were all at work yesterday, she brought a dead mouse into the house as their home coming surprise. And while my brother was picking up the mouse...he noticed that there were a bunch of wood chips all over as well. While he was trying to pick them up, one of the wood chips popped and he realized that it was not a wood chip. It was a blood filled maggot! Yuck!!! They had been inside of the mouse and had been working their way into the carpet! Can you believe it...so gross!

Review for the day

As I said in my last post...yesterday sucked! First the day at WaterWorld was rained out, my house is covered again in a thick layer of drywall dust and then I was having a rough day personally. So by noon my dad came over to help my uncle and I hang drywall and one look at my eyes and he said..."this is your free day! Go do something fun."

So I called one of my friends and we went to see a Wall-E. Hmmm...loved the message but a little boring. I'm not even sure if I would recommend or not. I would hope that everybody would get the message, but it takes a lot of patience to sit through.

Then I went to have a drink with a couple of other friends and by eleven o'clock at night it was time to close the book on the day. I got up early this morning worked out, watered plants and have paid the bills. I guess this is a new day.

Could never live in Seattle

I love Seattle...maybe I should start there! But I do not the cloudy, dark weather and it's doesn't like me. It has been so hot here for the past couple of weeks and I have been outside doing the rain dance on a regular basis. And then starting Saturday...we have had clouds, cooler temps and rain. And all of that along with some other things...I am in a funk. I went out last night with a friend and he felt young, full of life and boundless energy. I felt sadness, old, unattractive and I had a full case of the BLUES!!!

Today a group of us were going to Water World so have fun and sun. No sun...just rain. So no water park for us. Now I have to stay here and work on the house. Yuck! Hope you are all having a better day.

True Colors...

Last night was the True Colors concert and I had so much fun. Our tickets...not VIP (although originally he believed that they were), were 20 rows from the stage and we could see everything. The concert was at Red Rocks Amphitheatre (picture from the beer booth at top) and it is so beautiful. I realized that it has been years since I have actually been to a concert, so it was great to be back be at Red Rocks, I think the best venue available.

The three of us had such fun people watching, dancing and signing. It was the kind of concert that you want to be with your favorite person who you can laugh with and hold hands. But, being with two of my dear friends was a close second. The line up...Girl in a Coma, Carson Kressley, Joan Armatrading (BEST PERFORMER), Rosie O'Donnell, B-52's and Cyndi Lauper...line up was wild. And if you haven't heard Joan Armatrading it's a must! The B-52's were such a flashback and made you smile from ear to ear. And Cyndi Lauper has so much energy that its contagious.

Fun, fun, fun...that is all I can say about my first concert in years!

Happy 4th of July

I hope you have a great July 4th holiday!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Aip619LJMDo&feature=related

ps...I love you

I just finished watching that movie and loved it...love! It has everything, drama, humor, music, vomit and crying. But more than anything - it has hope. I wasn't planning on talking about this movie on my blog, but I was moved and will close my eyes tonight hoping that one day somebody will say these simple words. PS...I Love You!

And then what happened...

It has been two days without any water in my house and all of my plants, vegetables and even the lawn are starting to look very, very sad! The plumber promises me that today is the day...the water will run again. And just in time because I am tired of running to the store to go potty. But yesterday, my neighbors began a remodeling project and their contractor ordered a port-o-potty! It sits in my alley and has brought me so much joy. Sad I know...but love the proximity of a toilet. I actually did a happy dance when I saw it delivered. And yes, I have used it several times with such joy that it has almost made up for the lack of running water. Almost!

Yesterday I was running all around town trying to find new faucets for my sink and shower so my plumber could install and continue moving along. And after traveling to 4 different hardware stores (big orange), numerous rude or not so helpful sales associates, discontinued sink sets...I stood in the middle of the plumbing isle and dropped just a few tears. Just enough that my dad felt compelled to find a solution to all of the chaos. He gave me a hug, kiss and a pep talk! And then we got ice cream. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic...but this remodeling project has been a task! So as a last ditch effort, I went out to the 5th and final depot and they did not have what I was looking for...until I walked into the paint isle and found a box with the exact sink faucet set that had evaded me all along. I actually heard music and birds singing for joy.

So I was ready to call my night complete and be grateful for the final discovery of faucets. And then it happened...my phone rang and my friend was on the other line with these words! "I just got VIP tickets for us to go to the True Colors concert this Saturday!" Maybe it was my gratitude for the port-o-potty...maybe it was just dumb luck! Whatever....I will take what I can. Keep your fingers crossed for running water.