The answer is YES

Am I sad...that is the question. Melissa told me that her friends have been reading this blog (atleast somebody is actually reading) and they believe that I am sad. And my answer is YES. I have a lot going on in my life right now that feels heavy, but more than anything I miss my Melissa, Ellie and Cagney. I miss knowing that we would all be together during any down time. I miss coloring with Ellie and drawing the "hair"! I miss Cagney begging for food and constantly sneaking it behind Melissa's back. I miss holding Melissa's hand and knowing that no matter what was going on that she was right there. I feel lonely and at times like I'm the only person in the world walking around searching. I know that this was the best thing for Melissa and Ellie and it sounds like Cagney too (she is eating all of the squirrel food). And for the people living in Indiana...you are so lucky. You are getting to see Ellie grow into a princess. You have the chance to feed Cagney and look into her eye knowing that you are her BEST FRIEND...for the moment. You are getting to see Melissa smile and tell stories that she laughes at before event sharing. So again, YES...I am sad.

I didn't quit!!!!

I stayed up most of the night so that I could actually finish a book. I had to prove to myself that no matter how hard things are, I don't quit. I may not be able to eloquently articulate the books meaning, character development,, etc. But I can tell you that the book touch me in ways that I hadn't expected. Not only did I finish, but I was moved. I made the connection between the book and my life. That is a major accomplishment!

Is being stuck another way of quiting?

Reading books always sounds like such a relaxing activity, but the reality is that I am not a very good reader. I can easily start a book, but following through to completion is a difficult task. I love the idea of curling up on the couch with a blanket, hot drink and a good book, but instead I find myself reading for a few minutes before I drift off to sleep. I discovered that there are currently three books sitting by my bed, each book I have began reading and somewhere along the way I find myself stuck and unable to finish. After talking with an English teacher friend, she told me to give myself permission to quit. As a former counselor, I took that message and analyzed how that relates to me and my life. I continue to believe that I will finish reading all three of the books by my bed. I tell myself that I don't quit...I finish everything that I start. But staying stuck is not finishing the books. So do I give myself permission to quit or do I find a way to push past the reasons for being stuck and finish the things that I start?

The stranger inside

I went to a movie last night...by myself. It has been a long time since I have sat in a movie theatre by myself and waited to escape into a make believe world. I saw the new movie, "The Brave One" and had so many thoughts throught this movie. My first thought was that Melissa will be so turned on by Jodie Foster that I don't think she will fully appreciate the story line! Maybe a little too much visual stimulation. But the other thought that kept running through my mind...I have a stranger living inside my body. This point is only fully understood after watching the movie. I use to describe myself has having two personalities inside (I am a Gemini after all) and those two personalities kept me balanced. I have a very responsible personality. I always get to the airport two hours prior to my flight, I always read instructions before attempting any project and I always go to work...no matter how badly I could use a day off. And then there is a side of me that loves a party, refuses to follow rules and only wants to be happy in the moment. There are other traits that are consistent, but then brief moments appear when I feel like a stranger has taken over my life. Moments when I hit a low emotionally and then this person appears and takes me down a road that I am familiar with but do not know the exact turns and exits.

In the movie, she talks about change causing your stranger to appear and adjust accordingly. For me, the stranger takes over and instead of make changes necessary to adjust, I shut down. Who is that stranger?

Express Yourself

I need to learn how to express myself. That sentance just made me smile and laugh for the first time in days. Expressing myself verbally is usually the thing that I do best. Expressing myself through writing, art, dance...whatever I haven't been able to do in a very long time. I use to sing. I sing to myself when I'm lonley, hurt, sick or stressed. I sing to myself with I feel joy, excitment...I sing to myself almost every time I am alone. Singing is my friend and my companion. I tell Melissa that I am "retired" and that is why I no longer sing in front of others. She has always wanted to know why...why would I be retired. I'm not ready to explore the reasons I shut the outside world out of my sanctuary. I am ready to admit that singing is my best form of expression. But I want more. I want to be creative, insightful and inspiring. I am going to work on improving this blog to more accurately express who I am, inside and out.

Dead in the water

How is that for a title. I read Melissa's blog and it talks about enjoying friends, bonding with family, loving Ellie...Brit, Rosie (you get the point). And when I look at my blog I don't have any of that to talk about. I feel lost, sad and stupid. Melissa will hate that last statement, but I can't change the way that I feel. I worked hard to get the career that I have and right now I don't feel confident at any moment during the day. I look in the mirror and am disappointed in the person looking back. I have a new house that I'm still trying to personalize and yet finding the money, time and motivation has become another job. Who am I and how do change the way that I feel? How do I find different things to write about? Melissa describes herself as "always looking for greener grasses" and I worry that I'm going to start to look dull.

Makes me proud...

I have spent the holiday weekend with my 86 and 89 year old great-aunts. I originally would have said I was "entertaining them", but in reality they were entertaining me. I come from a long line of independent women and these two ladies reminded me who I am and where I come from. Both of my aunts graduated from college during a time that very few women were allowed to seek higher education. Both of my aunts moved to different states and adapted to seeing their families every couple of years. Each of my aunts pursued masters degrees at some of the most prestigious universities. My aunts were able to spend some time talking, laughing and sharing details with me about their lives and mine.

The women in my life are independent, fun, wild, brutally honest, determined and courageous. My Grandma Mikelson comes from poverty and knows how to work hard. She refused to marry my grandpa before he went to war out of convince. She waited until she was in her 20's and he returned safely. My grandma reminded me this weekend that you can survive anything when needed...just have to believe in yourself. My Aunt Olivia has always been my kindred spirit. She lives in my two favorite places...San Francisco, CA and Scottsdale, AZ. My aunt has been a widow for over 35 years and believes in independence and excitement. She has traveled the world several times always by herself and always excited for the new adventures. She has season tickets to the theatre, Standford baseball and now Arizona Basketball. She believes in improving yourself and never settling for anything that doesn't bring you joy. My Aunt Ester has gentleness about her and when you least expect she has a sharp toughed bit to put things into perspective. She has a Wit unlike anybody I have ever met and believes that the people you love are also the people you can be the most honest and direct with...no apologies necessary. She told me this weekend that she has lived in a state she doesn't like for 40 years but doesn't regret one moment of her life. She has traveled alone for the past 30 years always leaving her family behind because of their lack of interest.

I am walking away from these ladies reminded of something that I have not paid attention to recently. I am a strong, independent women who loves life and loves adventure. I love my partner and would love to share new experiences with her, but I also need to do those things for myself along the way. I want to feel proud that I can take care of myself, not all women can. I want to feel excited to see and experience something new. I want to fill my entire day with life and not take that for granted. I come from amazing women and someday I want other women to say that about me.