I'm not the symphony type

My family wanted to find a tradition that we could create that would allow holiday cheer, family bonding and combination of generations. This afternoon my grandparents, parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece all went to the Colorado symphony. Classical music does not provide me with calm and relaxation. Instead I feel irritated and bored. Why is that? The music was beautiful and the atmosphere was festive...but I am going to vote for a different family activity next year.

Regardless, I did appreciate the time with my family. I had the opportunity to see my grandparents hold hands, kiss and belly laugh. My parents toasted each other and finished each others sentences. My brother and sister-in-law kissed and said "I love you" because the moment took over for them. And my niece held my hand and told me I was the perfect aunt. So while we haven't found the perfect tradition, I think that we were able to share our love for each other...and that is a tradition I would like to continue.

You don't pick...

so many different things in your life. You don't pick your own genetics. You don't pick the people you fall in love with. You don't pick your parents. Today I met a young man who cried for help. Help to find a safe place to live; help to support the parents who refuse to do the same for him; help to be treated as a real person, with real emotions and real fears.

This boy lives in an abusive environment, both physically and emotionally. He is fully devoted to his parents and is loosing grip on his beliefs that parents protect their children. But in truth, I learned today that his parents, grandparents and uncle have all accepted the abuse this young man endures daily. I sat in front of this kind boy and apologized for the disappointment adults have been to this point in his life. I apoligized that his pleas have not been met and explained that unfortunately we don't get to pick our parents. I looked into his tear filled eyes and had to explain that I am unable to fix the situation. As I watched him cry while begging his mom for help, I also realized that the system has major flaws. Because of this young mans age, the law will not automatically remove him to a safe environment. The organizations designed to protect children are so overwhelmed with reports that children are put in order or priority. This young man is older therefore, he does not rank very high on the list. I had to send him back home with my cell phone number and our police officers number. We talked through different senarious and made a commitment to check in first thing in the morning.

His final question before going back home...will anybody ever pick me? When you look at your child, partner, friend or even a stranger...remember to pick them. No soul should feel so lost...especially a child.

Secrets

Secrets have a funny role in my life. I have rarely been accused of holding myself back and not sharing everything in my life to anybody who asked. My relationship with Melissa has been the contradiction to my beliefs. In the beginning we both had a secret for different reasons, but ultimately it was to protect each other. As time went on, our secret was shared with different people at different times for different reasons. I have never lied about spending time with Melissa. I have kept no secrets when it comes to missing her and Ellie and trying to see them at every opportunity. I would answer honestly if anybody asked...including my parents.

I have shared with the true friends and some of my co-workers. I have received mixed responses. Some of my friendships remained solid...and some disappeared. While there have been some hard moments in loosing friends, I always believe that it's nice to know who your true friends really are. Several months ago, almost a year, Melissa and I talked about seeing a counselor together to help me process and create the right words to share with my parents. I never went to a counselor to figure that out...maybe it's time.

While I haven't said the specific words to my parents, I have shared with them how much I miss Melissa and Ellie. I have shared how important it is for me to visit them as much as possible. I talk about how we were all going to live in this house. I have shared with them my feelings and emotions. My parents are fully aware of my bond and connection with Melissa. I keep wishing that they would just ask me directly. That would be so much easier to answer honestly.

Either way...some call it a secret. I call it living my life and figuring it outthe best I can on a day to day basis. I guess I'm still growing. It's not my secret...just my process.

Nerd time...

I was inspired by Melissa's friends blog greeblemonkey. Nerd time is such a funny title but it totally describes my alone time. Melissa often talks about the fact that her partner is a "knitter". I love to knit and there are times that it's all I ever think about. I have actually considered taking days off of work to stay home and knit! Ha! I also love to read mindless magazines. I look through as many possible and pull out the pictures, phrases and ideas that I LOVE. All of those "favoriates" go into a book. My book...my book that holds secrets about the person inside that has only been shared with Melissa.

I read through Melissa's blog daily and all of her favoriate blogger friends. I am so impressed by the creativity and content. My nerd time would be spent redesigning my blog, adding pictures and discussing wonderful novels. But the truth is that I long to have the "creative" gene, the technical understanding of designing a more estetic blog and reading a novel is something that I do but not something that I am good enough at to actually discuss on my blog. So my nerd time is spent living vicariously through all of you!

And then there were walls

Tonight I drove by my old house...a house that supported and comforted me for the past seven years. I have grown, struggled, laughed, hurt, loved and lived inside those walls. I sold the house for the land value, always knowing that the person purchasing my little bungelow was going to tear it down. Months have gone by and slowly that little house has been torn apart for the sole purpose of making room for a mini-mansion. Tonight I was driving around trying to escape my current reality and maybe even longing for my past to provide a moment of comfort. And then there were walls! The mini-mansion is now framed and a new story will begin. I think change can be wonderful and exciting. I also think that change can be sad and debilitating. So this is my tribute to the history of my bungalow and the comfort and excitment that I felt inside those walls. I hope that the spirit of my house transfers into my the new mansion. I moved into a great house with it's own individual spirit, history and potential. I moved into a house with more room, space to share and home for more. But the Garfield house will always have a place in my heart.

Instant smiles

I love the whole process of feeling joy. I love the way my facial muscles feel when I smile. I love the feel of laughter coming out of my throat. I love hearing laughter that comes from the gut. I love to see people smile with their eyes when something inside is triggered and joy takes over. I don't always share that piece of myself with others, but inside the search for joy is constant. Here are some of the things that bring me joy on a regular basis:

*Chester...my amazing, handsome, perfect cat. He has been my best friend for 16 years and has given me joy every minute. Chester is a Persian and has the cutest face on the planet. Chester has been a constant in my life for so long and I can't imagine my life without my friend. No matter where we go, when people see him they smile. I feel very proud to have Chester has my pet...friend.

*My mom when she tries to tell a story and laughs so hard she cries. The laughing takes over the actual story and it takes many tries to actually hear what she is trying to say.

*Melissa's laughter when she can visualize a story and it tickles her funny bone. She has a laugh that makes me want to sit and listen for hours.

*Kayla. Maybe that's it. Kayla for just being herself. I look at her and see the expressions of my dad, laughter and hair of my mom, face and love of my brother and loyalty of myself. She is my childhood family all rolled into one person.

*My dads ability to make me feel calm and believe that it will all work out in the end. When he comforts me with words and kind eyes I feel joy for being his daughter.

*Ellie's sense of herself. Watching her dance around a room, tell exciting stories and just be herself brings me joy.

*My convertible bug...it's dark blue color, camel colored top, turbo engine and the feeling I get when I crawl inside every day.

*I have a PINK scooter. Pepto Pink...and I love it. I love riding around town, I love the look on people's faces when they see it coming and I love that it is PINK!

I can think of so many other thing, but this is my starting list. What are some of yours!

Random thoughts...

I have said over and over again how random my thoughts are and how difficult it is for me to really focus. But I also have a strange obsessive tendancy that forces me to focus on those random thoughts over and over again! For example:

When I was a little girl my family struggled financially. I'm not sure that I knew that fact, but I was aware that my friends would have toys and clothes that we didn't have or talk about. In fact, my family would spend our Friday nights at the local Target store just looking at decorations, clothes, toys, etc. We didn't actually buy anything on these weekly trips...we just imagined what it would be like to afford all of the items that we loved. I remember that feeling everytime I enter a Target store. I have been known to spend hours walking through Target and actually leaving with two items!

I had tubes in my ears as a little girl to help with my reoccuring ear infections and also enhance my hearing. When I was in first grade, standing in the lunch line...I felt something fall inside my ear. I reached inside and pulled out a tiny little object that looked like a spool of thread. I spent the remainder of the day worried how to tell my parents that I had done something that forced my tube to fall out. I worried that we wouldn't have the money to fix my hearing, I worried that my parents would be disappointed that I wasn't more careful...I even worried that I would loose this little object and break my parents heart. Those were the thoughts that I could say outloud, but the thought inside my head that I have never said..."What if I never hear again? Then what happens to my life? Did I do something that this is what I deserve?" In the end...I finally broke down and told my parents four days later at bedtime. I apologized, offered to pay (because I had so much money in first grade) and promised to do better. My parents told me to relax...the tubes are suppose to fall out every year! HMMM! That is the story of my life!