Holiday rundown

I finished my shopping, mailing and decorating just in time to actually enjoy the holidays. And tonight as I'm sitting on the couch watching my tree light up I find myself suffering a bit with the post holiday blues. So I decided to share some of my big memories of this holiday, some good some not so much...but all of them are now imprinted forever in my memory box.

1. Shopping with my dad the day before Christmas Eve. I was expecting some attitude and frustration from my dad as a result of not knowing what to get my mom. But honestly, it was the exact opposite! We shopped, find the exact items he imagined her opening, we laughed, we had lunch and even a cocktail with a toast!

2. Baking cookies with my mom and getting ready for the big Christmas Eve party at my house. We wore matching aprons, danced to music, had a cocktail (are you seeing a theme) and laughed out loud.

3. Hosting 16 people (family) for Christmas Eve and enjoying every minute. Even Fred did a great job and we had no issues.

4. Sentimental toast! My dad stood up at dinner, toasted to his family...dad, brother, sister, wife, kids, grand kids...everybody! He wished my grandmother was still alive to share this memory. He cried and my brother stood up and walked over to his side, hugged him and helped him finish the toast.

5. Opening presents with my parents on Christmas morning! We got each other fun gifts. My parents planned a trip for all of us to go and see a show, drive to see my aunt, celebrate big...and relax! My parents are so sweet.

6. I put on a new outfit (size 8 again, finally)! I did my new hair style, put on make-up and went to my grandmothers house with my parents to celebrate Christmas evening. And within ten minutes of being there, one of my uncles walked up to me and told me that I looked fat and he was sure that nobody would ever find me attractive! SMACK! And at that very second, I walked away and cried in the next room for 5 minutes. Finally, my mom and dad came to find out what had happened and I shared the story. My dad wiped my tears, my mom called him a fucking asshole! And we walked back into the party again. A few hours later I saw both of my parents take my uncle aside and have very strong words! Thanks for defending me...I needed that boost.

7. Taking family pictures and having both my brother and sister-in-law hold my hands and stick together.

8. Surviving...this was a big holiday and I survived. It was the first Christmas without Chester. And it was the first Christmas with Fred. Spent time with my family...and also missed my family.

Overall...I felt the spirit and enjoyed all of the time with my family. Merry Christmas!

Christmas spirit?

It's official...Christmas cheer is starting to feel a little more like Christmas panic! I have only purchased a few gifts and have several more to figure out. I feel about 5 steps behind the plan and have nobody to blame but myself! So, I'm off to fit in a work out, shopping, parties, post office....maybe even searching for a little elf to help out! Cheers to all of you...hopefully you are better planners and have time to relax and just enjoy the spirit.

I'm back...

Whew...it feels like forever since I have actually written anything on this blog. Update on the grandpa situation, he is fine. Well, at least his heart is okay for now. The hospital stay allowed him to have all of the fluid drained that had accumulated around his heart and it gave his family some time to try and figure out a better living situation. He was in the hospital for five days and his wife never once came to visit, not a phone call...nothing. She took a break from him and from their marriage vows. My grandpa told me that he never wanted to marry somebody who yelled at him or was mean and/or cruel. He acknowledges that his current marriage has yelling, mean and cruel behavior dished out toward him daily. But he also explains that he didn't leave earlier and now this is his destiny. I am hopeful that my dad and his siblings are going to intervene soon and help create a better living environment for what ever time is left...6 months or 6 years!

Other news...it is colder than polar bear poop! I don't really know what that means, but today it was actually 2 degrees outside. Three days it was in the low 60's and today it's 2! The high this week is suppose to be 30 degrees and I am really looking forward to warmer days. Ugh! I still am not done shopping for Christmas gifts but also not feeling that stressed out about it either.

Lastly, I was thinking that it's been some time since I posted anything about Fred. He has grown so much since the last post. This is his first Christmas and so far the tree has remained upright. I can't say that the tree skirt has fared as well...he has such a love/hate relationship with the skirt. I often wake up in the morning with Fred on one side and the tree skirt lying on top of me. In fact, Fred has learned how to play fetch and it's a fun activity for both us. The only problem with this new trick is that he brings everything to bed with him so we can play at any time day or night. Every morning I get out of bed and have to take a couple of toys out of sheets before making the bed!

He is so different from Chester and yet I love him just as much. Chester was the sweetest boy ever and my heart still longs for his company. But Fred touches a different part of my heart in his own special way. He isn't much of a snuggler during the day...but at night time watch out! He loves to play, bite, play, eat and play some more. He loves water and getting into the shower. He is such a tease to my mom and makes her work very hard for some lovin! He has a strange bond with my dad and would be so happy if it were only the two of them for life. He loves kisses on the lips every day and sleeps with his stuffed animal which is a snake (Wilma). And he makes me laugh every single day!

Not that interesting

I have loved this blog. And over the last couple of years I have had no readers, some readers, more readers and now maybe not so many readers again. I get it....I totally get it! I may not be so interesting right now. So maybe I'll take a break until I have something interesting to share. I hope that means I could return tomorrow...but I'm okay if it takes longer.


Update...So it's been an hour and I just had the most random, crazy thing happen that made me write again. So maybe it's not going to be that interesting, but right now I just need to say it.

My grandfather was a widow at a young age. Years later he decided to marry again, a women 20 years younger (so that he wouldn't have to become a widow again) and it has been the most ridiculous union ever!!!!! Hi wife, and that is actually the nicest name I can use for her, is an unhappy, uncaring, selfish woman who has admitted to waiting for him to die so that she can move back to be with her family in NJ. Yep...doesn't that scream love. Not the point. Tonight I got a phone call from her at 9:50. She wanted to let somebody in the family know that my grandfather was in the hospital with congestive heart failure. I gasp and she says..."oh, it's not bad thought!" WTF...shut up woman it is that bad! He was admitted this morning and she forgot to tell anybody until now.

My grandfather has three children and she contacted me. Granted my dad is out of town on the cruise...which by the way he was out of town the last time my grandfather was fighting for his life in the hospital! But back to her for now, after listening to her talk about needing to leave the hospital so she could be home in time for her soap opera, how excited she is to watch a movie she rented and general crap, I finally was able to find out the hospital and the room number of my grandpa.

The plan, I am going to meet the doctors in the morning and try to figure out what is happening...I am going to contact my aunt and uncle to try and give them an update and get some support. And then I am suppose to call her with an update so she knows when I will be bringing my grandpa home. Ugh! My poor grandpa is fighting for his life and his stupid wife is fighting for more t.v. time. Blah!

World AIDS Day...

In the 80’s news of a disease that selected deviants spread like wild fire. By the 90’s people were starting to learn that AIDS could knock on any persons life…not discriminating gender, sexual orientation, life style or race. Research as been done, experimental drugs used, prevention discussed, celebrities have advocated for money, support and understanding. And yet in 2008 the average person still does not accept that AIDS has or will touch their life in some way.

There are those people out there that talk about choices…that somehow people making bad choices receive this as a punishment. Really…I would love to pick through their lives and find all of the bad choices made to prove that point.

AIDS and HIV have touched my life through very dear friends. These are people that I laugh with, cry to, listen and depend on daily. I wish for them health, peace, understanding and support. I am so thankful for their teaching, understanding, surviving and living! I pray for all of us…CURE!

Time to start

I have always loved Christmas time...it seems like the perfect time of the year. I love the lights, decorations, music, spirit...feels so festive. I have great memories or Christmas and almost none of them have to do with actually opening presents. One of my favorite is of my my aunts house on Christmas Eve. She had an amazing collection of Dickens Christmas Village on display. I would sit and stare for hours at all of the details, lights, movements...everything. It always felt like the perfect world to shrink to size and live forever. And every year I tell myself that I should start a collection of my own, but then the season passes and I have done nothing. The excuse is either money, time, space...but really I just had a certain dream of starting that tradition and I keep waiting.

So, on Friday I went shopping for Christmas decorations (new tree another post) on Friday with my friend and was telling her the story of my pretend village. We talked about trying to get into the spirit and be excited for this season to begin. Her solution...there's no time like the present. And like that...the search began for the perfect village. We drove all around town, asked questioned, scanned displays and finally I found it...the perfect collection. So I bought one piece and love it!

Now that the collection is started, I have to make it a tradition...every year I will add one piece to the collection. Small step but brought a bit of history to the present.

Reflections...

It's late and I'm sitting on the couch looking outside the window at the falling snow. The first real snow of the season. It looks so pretty, so crisp...almost peaceful. And yet too much peace and quiet often forces me to reflect on the past and my hopes and fears for the future. One year ago my life was very different...two years ago even more. And through all of the changes that I have encountered, I have learned so much about who I am and what I want.

I went to dinner tonight with a good friend of mine and she shared her journey of personal growth and how she has finally found who she is meant to really be and now is ready to get back out there and date. Actually, her words were more like..."it's time to complete my journey and find my life partner." Yet in the next breathe, she began to share with me her fears about sharing spaces and time, making compromises, loosing herself...so maybe not exactly 100% ready I would say. I know this sounds crazy, but I felt like maybe I could give her a bit of advice about trusting and putting herself out there that I have discovered through my own journey.

Years ago I was hurt to the core and my heart was shattered (I know that everybody can say that) and I promised myself that it would never happen again. I was going to avoid feelings...avoid love so that my heart could not be broken. I stayed out of a relationship for 10 years...dated a few times, a few random moments maybe, but not a real relationship for TEN years! Throughout those years, I had a list of things that I was unwilling to compromise on, items that I identified as a turn off in a partner and reasons why I wasn't meant to find love. But in the dark and silent moments alone, I would fantasize that love would sweep me off my feet and prove me wrong. I even made a list...my dream list! All of the important traits I was looking for in a partner and I hid it in my hope chest (never to be shared with others). And then out of the blue love knocked on my door and I wanted to throw all of my fears and list of non-negotiables out the door and instead compromise on anything that would allow me to keep that feeling.

While that didn't work out for me, I did learn (although would have loved to avoided that lesson) so much about myself and things that I need to do differently. I learned that I didn't feel worthy of love and therefore didn't trust that it would stick. I supported ideas in the relationship that if were made, could do nothing but prove that I was meant to be alone and was not worth sticking with. I feared asking, hoping or maybe even begging for love or hoping to be chosen, because I didn't believe that I deserved that from anybody. Without realizing what I was doing, my actions or lack there of created my own perfect storm. Opening my heart, dreaming of a future and at the same time allowing my insecurities and fears to dictate my actions, expectations and advice.

So many things that I still need to work on...that I still need to do better, but I have learned a few new things. I have learned that it's okay to compromise, it's okay to want love, it's okay to want to help and support each other...that is all okay, not a sign of weakness. I have learned that I have to always say what I want and what's in my heart...no matter how scary the outcome might be. I have learned that trusting myself and believing that I am worthy, that I do deserve love is the only way that I'm ever going to get it in return. And I am working on the rest...

Not sure that any of my advice was helpful to my friend, but she acted like it did. At least now she is willing to consider a little compromise on her journey.

Never laughed so hard

Okay, so maybe I have laughed this hard before, but I can't remember the last time that I laughed so hard it hurt! But tonight I was relaxing on the couch and watching the amazing race...maybe that should be enough said. But just in case you don't watch this show I am telling you it was hilarious!!!!! Meet Dan and Andrew...they are two very smart (I think book smart) guys who appear to have zero common sense. Last week they forgot to take their shoes with them so they were forced to purchase new tennis shoes before finishing the race. But then tonight, they were in Moscow and had a task to work with the military. Just getting dressed was a difficult job for these two guys. But then the task required them to learn how to march (yep....they had to walk) oh yeah, they had to move their arms at the same time. This was the moment, I have never seen somebody who had ZERO coordination. Over and over again the guys tried to "walk" and they were told it was not correct and needed to start again. The men in the military were laughing hysterically and that made it even worse. Just writing this is difficult because I am still laughing!

Anybody see this episode...OMG...so funny!

Only you can pull that off

One of my best friends stopped by last night on his way home from a blind date. He called me before knocking on the door to make sure that I was home and I think maybe to make sure that nobody else would see him. So first came the knock, I opened the door...and there he stood with a full head of hair!

I forgot to mention that this friend is bald...but yet last night he had hair. After I was done rolling around on the floor, he explained to me that last weekend he found this wig and bought it and has proceeded to wear it almost everywhere. Almost meaning he doesn't wear it to work, but he did to the gym, grocery store, laundry mat, dinner with friends and now a blind date.

I can only tell you that I am still laughing and I love that something like this has brought him such joy. If Willard Scott can pull the occasion wig look off...so can my friend.

Know what I want...

I want a family! I mean, I have a family with my parents, brother (even a sister-in-law), niece and everything after that...plus, I have great friends which I consider my family. I have Fred...he is my family. But I would love to add to that family and have my own family. I have been dreaming of babies for weeks. So if there was a doubt, my clock is getting louder.

I use to say that I would never be a single parent, but I know that is not true now. I can be a parent...even a single parent and believe that I have a lot of love to share. Being a single mother by choice means I have to be even more prepared than the average family. So I have read books about how to prepare myself, spoken with my benefits director at work to determine the best way to pay for daycare, identified daycare providers that would work best. My dad bought me a book about getting myself pregnant with a turkey baster (not really my exact plan) and my mom is entertaining the idea of babysitting once a week. As for my friends, everybody is excited about the idea of me getting pregnant or adopting a baby...

I would be lying if I said that there wasn't some fear in messing up the child as a single mother. But then I look around and know that there are great kids who come from all different types of homes. I work with kids every day and know that my desire is not about my need to "have somebody to call my own" but it is about wanting to share new and old experiences with a child. It's about giving love and support, structure and boundaries to a little person who can then grow into a unique individual ready to enter the world. It's about playing in the snow, cheering them during their activities, banging my head with concern of doing the "right" thing...it's about being a parent and loving a child.

A family is what ever you make it to be. Today I share a house with the softest kitty in the world who makes me laugh out loud every single day. And eventually I will add to my family...so am I having a baby today????? No! Just in case you thought I was hiding something big. But I want to have a family and I want to be a parent so one day I hope to share that experience with all of you.

Christmas threw-up...

right outside my office door! There are all women who work in the main office at work and each of them seem to have the elf gene! Every day for the past two weeks this Christmas season has been making it's way into display...radios tuned to holiday music, Christmas tree candles filling every corner with their scent and even small decorations starting to appear. And then as I returned to my office late this afternoon after what felt like a marathon meeting...there it stood! We have a 8 foot, white artificial Christmas tree already decorated with lights, the largest purple and white bow ever (school colors) on top, and random school stuff hanging from the tree. When I say random...I mean note pads, coffee cups with our logo, hall passes, even a foam finger once sold as a school fundraiser! I didn't have a camera tonight but I promise pictures will follow.

But what I really had to say...it's not even Thanksgiving and I have to look at the craziest Christmas tree ever! Is it weird that I was almost inspired to put up my tree...almost that is!

T what???

My parents invited me over to their house for lunch this weekend...sweet. But then I got there and before I could sit down they each pulled out their new cell phones. "Okay, teach us how to text each other!" The three of us sat on the couch, the two of them wearing their cheaters and I was walking them through each step. Apparently, their new plan includes unlimited texting and I still am unclear why they need that feature. I asked the question, and my mom simply stated that they could write love notes to each other...or nag me via text instead of voicemail. Hmmm...funny! And then before my mom could finish her sentence my dad interjected with..."we can vote for Dancing with the Stars now!"

Oh okay...now that makes sense!

Endless surprises

I love LOVE! It's not really something that the average person who knows me would ever think...but I do love LOVE! I come from a long line of great relationships, not genetic just a pattern. In fact, both sets of grandparents were middle school sweethearts who married, raised children and stayed happy together. And while that is amazing, it's my parents who remind me that love is a beautiful thing. My parents grew up in the same town as small children. In fact, my grandparents were all friends (who grew up together in the same town they raised their children) and so my parents knew each other well. And then when my mom was in seventh grade she got a phone call from my dad (an eighth grader) asking if she wanted to be his girlfriend. And that was it...they have been together from that day forward.

I grew up envious of their friendship and love for each other. They had this love for each other that I prayed for as a child and maybe simply hope for as an adult. They are predictably loyal, faithful, honest and real and those are the exact traits that have been the glue to their relationship. My parents were in love at an early age and married as teenagers. My mom was 18 when she walked down the isle and gave birth to my brother just a few months later. I am a product of teenage parents who got caught up in passion and whose lives changed in a moment. They were told that their marriage would never survive and that it would be the biggest mistake of all. This Thanksgiving weekend my parents will be celebrating their 39th wedding anniversary. And throughout this 39 years my parents have struggled financially, grown up both physically and emotionally, raised children, built careers, expressed no regret ever for the decisions made and through it all maintained an unbreakable trust and love for each other.

This morning my mom called me to share her news...my dad is taking her on a cruise (her life long dream) this Thanksgiving to celebrate. My dad who has often talked about having no interest in a cruise went out and researched, purchased tickets and surprised my mom with this gift to celebrate together. And in the middle of her excitement to share the news, she stopped and asked if it would be okay that they are gone for the holidays. And then in the next breathe said...I hope that it is okay because I can't wait to float away with your dad!

Thank you mom and dad...you made me love LOVE!

'Tis not the season

Halloween just passed and already the world is ready for Christmas. I have been known to start listing to Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving...but the day after Halloween? No! This weekend I went to the grocery store, plant store and other stores only to hear Christmas jingles. Not ready...just trying to get myself ready for Thanksgiving!

And now they are gone...

I wrote a couple of days ago about seeing leaves. That moment...she said exactly what I have felt from that precise moment. It was real, honest...raw and it brought me comfort. And then this morning my friends sent a link reminding me of how far we have to go. You can erase, you can change directions...but you can't really take away the clarity of leaves...

http://tv.yahoo.com/grey-39-s-anatomy/show/36657/news/urn:newsml:eonlinekristen.com:20081104:TV-8d220a20f1880b272fa485fbc973f373__ER:1

Who does it effect?

I see those commercials all the time...depression effects everybody! I am trained to identify depression, provide strategies to deal with depression but not actually be depressed. And yet I have finally accepted that depression has a tight grip on me.

It's hard to admit that fact to myself and even harder to admit that to others. I feel embarrassed about my weakness and have been thinking of myself as pathetic. I am not normally a depressed person. Hell, I have never been described as weak...and yet I have felt trapped almost powerless in a fog for some time now.

So I have been working on all of the strategies I know to work through this fog and come out on the other side. Therapy, exercise, staying busy, spending time with family and friends and getting lots of kisses from Fred. I have even been able to laugh at my random outbursts of tears to my trainer during sprint exercises, to the Blockbuster worker checking out my movies, even the strangers sitting next to me during my work conference. And through that all...I am at least able to smile knowing that they must be thinking my hormones are all over the place. If only it were that easy.

I am working on getting my confidence back. Feeling strong and healthy again, liking myself physically and mentally. Depression has a grip but I am determined to win! I am doing the work...so I will get there. Depression makes you feel so isolated and I was hoping that by writing this I would feel less alone and maybe even let somebody else who might be feeling that way to know they aren't alone.

Inside my mind

I love the new Pink CD (Funhouse). I am a huge fan...the music, the look, personality...okay, so there might even be a crush. But her newest album is amazing and I actually felt like she was writing words from my mind or better yet, my heart. If you listen...number 1, 3 and 5 are the best (number 3 is really the best). Go out, get it and loved it up!

I saw leaves

once...and I hope to again one day. But for now...I remember when I saw leaves.

Today is a BIG day…it’s your birthday! I remember when you were a little munchkin walking along side mama ready for any new adventure as long as she was going with you. Your curly blond hair so perfectly represented the wild and beautiful spirit that lives inside your body eager to grow. But now you are a big girl!

Over the past couple of years I have watched you grow tall, your hair change from curly to straight, and blond to brown…but through it all your spirit has NEVER changed. My birthday wishes for you...always dance buggy, continue to ask questions, read books and tell stories. I know that one day, kiddos every where will ask their parents to buy them the Adventures of Sally and Bobo books.

You are now a beautiful 5 year old girl who is kind, funny, smart, giving and full of life! I am sending you a squeeze, kiss and even a booty hut. So today on this very special day have fun, laugh out loud, play with friends, share a new adventure with mama and ENJOY every minute! Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Just what the doctor ordered!

My school has a fall break this weekend, meaning that I had several days to "relax." Hmmm...it's funny that relaxing is all I have wanted but the idea of actually having that time off felt like carrying a piano around on my back. Obviously, I have been in a bit of a funk recently (but working on getting out of it) so this weekend I decided needed a plan to make sure I kept busy. So here is my recap of events...I had dinner and drinks with friends Friday, Saturday and Sunday...okay different friends each time. I went golfing with my friends and my dad at an amazing course; played well and enjoyed the 70 degree temps! I went to a couple of haunted houses (love to scream and laugh at the same time), had breakfast with another friend at the coolest place ever and they might actually add crack to their chi tea. Attended a wild and fancy birthday party with friends, went shopping with my mom, nursed Fred back to health, attended the Obama rally yesterday (I was 15 rows from the stage)! And last night had dinner with friends and then we watched the best movie ever for my mood! Dan in Real Life...loved this movie!

So today is my final day off and I am going to lunch with a friend, finish house hold crap and of course boot camp! There have been ups and downs this weekend, but looking back...it was good and I might have enough energy to finish the semester!

No more balls

Yesterday I drove my little Fred to the vet trying to convince him that it was for the best, trying to convince him that would be quick. Tonight I drove Fred home apologizing and hoping for forgiveness.

I got tagged

So I got tagged from Stacie because she loves my blog! That is very sweet. Sweet and helpful because I wanted to post something but had no ideas.

The rules are to answer the following questions in one word and then pass it on to seven others:

Where is your cell phone? Kitchen
Where is your significant other? Exists?
Your hair color? Blond
Your mother? Amazing
Your father? Loving
Your favorite thing? Laughter
Your dream last night? Blank
Your dream/goal? Acceptance
The room you’re in? Living
Your hobby? Many!!!
Your fear? Not enough
Where do you want to be in 6 years? Peace
Where were you last night? Home
What you’re not? 100%
One of your wish-list items? Rug
Where you grew up? Colorado
The last thing you did? Eat
What are you wearing? Jammies
Your TV? On
Your pet? Playful
Your computer? On
Your mood? down
Missing someone? Yep
Your car? Cute
Something you’re not wearing? Bra
Favorite store? Target
Your summer? Building
Love someone? Yes
Your favorite color? PINK
When is the last time you laughed? Today
Last time you cried? Today

I am tagging and loving these seven blogs...
http://pinkasparag.us/
http://everythingilikecausescancer.blogspot.com/
http://kellygo.blogspot.com/
http://www.suzelssass.com/
http://ladywhodoesntlunch.blogspot.com/
http://pinkpiddypaws.com/
http://liamsar.blogspot.com/

Is that me?

I have this book...scrap book...hope book...book of my passions...book of reminders. Okay, so it's not that easy to describe but I'm going to try. I started to keep pictures, quotes, articles from books and magazines when I moved out at 17. Each of the items I kept spoke to me and at times spoke about me. I think that it was my way of sharing myself and my secrets without having to share with anybody else. The book has grown over the years and I continue to add new pieces and at time take away things that no longer speak to or about me. It is my story...you the know the back story that puts all of the pieces together to make me who I am. I have only shared the book with one person to help express who I am, what I love, what I fear...what I hope for in life. Sharing that book open myself 100% and made me feel vulnerable. But I realized recently that I haven't searched for anything new to add in a very long time. In fact, I haven't even touched the book in over a year.

Last last night I couldn't sleep and was searching the t.v. for something entertaining. Oprah was on and she was interviewing Gloria Steinem. My family often refers to me as the Gloria duplicate because of my quest for equality. It's never meant as a compliment and I have always had mixed feelings about being feminist because of their criticism. I believe in equality, I believe it is necessary and a fundamentally right. But some of the stigmas are difficult to address. For example, I don't HATE men and I don't believe that it's necessary to feel that way when supporting women. When I fell in love with Melissa there was a piece of me that worried that my family would blame that love on my feminism. I know better know and I am comfortable and confident with my beliefs and knowing that I am simply who I am...and I should not have to apologize to anybody. It is also believed feminist are angry people...I am not that type of person. I am passionate and determined and brutally honest...but not angry. But then Gloria made the statement that she likes who she is, what she has done, what she is about...and she didn't sacrifice anything she wanted.

So in the middle of the night I found myself searching for my book. And as I flipped through pages I was reminded of what I love, what I hoped for, what my secrets were and reminder of my dreams. I don't want to be alone all of my life (as Gloria has spent most of her life) but I don't want to be afraid of being myself either.

Paid to talk!

My boss uses that phrase several times a day. Yep, "I'm paid to talk...not help, write any documentations, follow through on anything...just to talk." He went to a training this summer where somebody actually gave him that power to believe that he IS paid to talk. Hmmm...clearly that person was fired from his job for talking and not thinking!!!! And now I have to live with his annoying belief that he only has one task daily.

I recorded Oprah today because she had Suzie on giving financial advice. And after my boot camp, making my vegan dinner and playing with Fred I watched and listened. She was giving advice that people will still want to be working when they are in their 60's. And I wanted to yell...NOT ME!!! I know that I will have to keep working in my 60's, but I can not do my job past that stage of my life. Hell, I can barely make it through tomorrow knowing that I have to listen to stupidity and "I get paid to talk."

So Martha!

This year I decided to try and grow a few things in my garden...food things I mean. So I planted a small basil plant and it grew so big and wonderful I had to start giving away leaves! I also planted one small tomato plant and one small cucumber plant. And look what I have! My tomato plant has produced over 50 tomatoes and I just pulled more off this afternoon. And that cucumber is one of 6 this summer. It was exciting to feel like I could make something grow...actually blossom!

I also found out this summer that my neighbors tree that hangs over my fence is actually a plum tree. So today I decided to try and make plum jelly! Look!!!! Okay, now look closer, its liquid still. HELP! What did I do wrong?

Okay, so maybe planting and gardening is a new skill and making jelly is not!

Sign me up

There aren't really many t.v. shows that I catch regularly...The first 48 (best t.v. ever), Law & Order (the original), Amazing Race (I so want to be on this show) and of course, the Biggest Looser. I am always inspired by how hard the people train, change their lives and loose soooo much weight! Plus, I have a huge crush on Jillian so that is usually reason enough. But I have to admit that after watching last night, I simply wanted to smack those stupid people who are training with Jillian this season. I love that she threatens to cut their arms off, punch them and kick them in the a@#! I mean really, when looking for a trainer to push you to a healthy self imagine wouldn't we all pick the person who yells, curses and threatens us. I would give anything to have a couple of months to train one on one with Jillian and I promise to make her threaten to rip my arms off and beat me with them.

Is this real?

Okay so this week has been crazy at work. It is Homecoming week and that means spirit theme days, powder puff, football, parade, foodfest and of course...the dance! I have shared in the past that attending games and dances was not something I ever had interest in during my own high school years. Well, that really hasn't changed except that now I am required to participate and encourage kids that it's sooo important. But that isn't the strange part of this week...it's something very different.

I don't remember if I have shared, my high school boyfriend cheated on me after two years and got the girl pregnant. That baby is now a sophomore in high school...at my school (such irony)! I don't have much contact with him or his family because he has been staying focused and attending classes and staying out of trouble. But tonight I was supervising the dance floor and there he was showing off his break dancing moves and in that moment felt like time had rolled backwards and I was back at my own high school dance. Well...if I had actually gone to Homecoming I imagine that it what it would have felt like a flashback. Every song tonight was a remix from the 80's (they ended the night with the theme from Dirty Dancing), all of the dresses where a flashback from the 80's (there was even a few headband, neon tights and over sized shirts) and the dance moves...BREAK DANCING! Who knew that was going to have come back?

So I stood there for a few minutes watching this young man dance to impress his date and felt like it was very familiar. Except that the music was so loud that my ears hurt, kids were avoiding me because I am an adult...not cool! And so I am going to bed realizing that the 80's are back and I am excited that I'm past neon anything and watching break dancing isn't exciting.

Still here

I am having one of those moments when I have a ton of things to talk about, a ton of ideas, thoughts, emotions...but can't seem to sort through the topics, type the right words or muster up the courage. So maybe tomorrow...

Now I wait

I am waiting for information that is pretty important...and I'm not ready to share with everybody yet. But suffice to say that just waiting is not my area of strength and so I have been trying to keep myself busy. That is part of the reason that I joined my boot camp and I have to admit...I AM LOVING IT! My trainer is funny, smart, focused and determined to make this experience something that I will never forget. This morning when I tried to get out of bed and it hurt to stand I was able to promise that I won't forget the boot camp.

Back to the point...she and I were talking yesterday about keeping busy, staying focused and making healthy choices. So to try and keep me busy she designed a work out plan for me to follow on the days that we do not have camp. Today's activity...run a 5k. Hmmmm...really! I mean isn't that usually something that I'm suppose to work towards? I'm on my way to give it try and I guess this is her idea of keeping my mind busy while I wait. I was thinking drinking a bottle of wine!

Boot Camp

I joined a Boot Camp last week hoping to help me get healthy, motivated and drop some more of that stupid weight! We meet at a park close by and our trainer has an obstacle course set up to test our endurance, strength and sense of humor. Last night I went to boot camp and after one hour could barely make it to my car. My body surprised me and was much stronger than I ever thought possible. I'll have to take some pictures...it's a funny site to see I'm sure!

Their family

"We don't pick our family"...I say those words regularly to hurt students, angry parents and sad friends. I also have to remind myself of that line from time to time! Tonight was one of those times that I needed a reminder.

I have a great relationship with my parents...that doesn't mean that it's not dysfunctional from time to time, but overall we have a good relationship. And one of the things that makes it good is that I have accepted and even made peace with the fact that we can only speak so many times in a week, I can only spend a certain amount of time with them before a break is required. And more than anything...I have accepted that they will always judge me, always want me to do what they "wish" even if it's not what makes me happy. They love me the only way they know how...and I no longer expect anything else.

My brother is a completely different story! I only have one sibling...and he was my best friend throughout my childhood. But as we have grown older, we live totally different lives and have nothing in common. Okay, so we both love our family for what it is; we can be in the same room together for holidays and events and in the end, we will always love each other. So while we love each other, it's fair to say that we don't really like each other as adults. My brother is married and has a daughter...and she is such a great person! In fact, tonight my niece is spending then night and we are going to do some fun stuff tomorrow. I love spending time with her and have been looking forward to this for a week. So tonight after work I drove to their office to pick her up and neither my brother or his wife said a single word to me. Not one single word!!!! How random is that and for no reason.

It's not that surprising, because they have been known to do that periodically over the years. The truth is, I am the accommodator in my family...the person who does what ever is decided by the others so I can ensure that nobody will be hurt, angry or inconvenienced. Remember that post when I questioned if I was worthy...welcome to the core of that issue! See what you learn when your a therapist! But back to the point, tonight I decided that I had enough...so when my niece got in the car I turned to my brother and his wife and told them it was rude to not speak to me. I told them how excited I was to spend the time with my niece and I deserved a hello...at the very least. I got in the car and drove away feeling so proud that I stood up. I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a part of me that felt like calling and apologizing to avoid any bad feelings. But the fact is that I didn't...I stood by my words! I stopped accommodating their silly behavior.

So tonight my niece and I went for a walk, had dinner at a fun restaurant we found and sat on the couch watching a movie and laughing out loud!!!! I know she didn't pick my for an aunt, but I am grateful for the title!

Avenue Q

I have been working teacher conferences two late nights this week and have an excuse to leave early! My friend called yesterday and invited me to see Avenue Q tonight. I have read the reviews and think that it sounds smart, funny and bizarre! Anybody had the chance to see yet? I'll write a review!

I'm playing hooky

I'm not playing hooky exactly, but I'm still excited about a small break from my crazy job! I have several doctors appointments tomorrow afternoon and was planning on leaving work around 2:00. When my stupid boss walked into my office and asked that I go to a training class that he signed up for but decided wasn't important enough for him. It's by my house and starts at 8:00. So my plan...stop by the training at 8:00 and by 10:00 the day is mine to enjoy the sun, warm temperatures and the excitement that only comes from playing hooky.

A chance at change!

Yesterday morning my boss informed myself and three others that there was a strong possibility that the Presidential candidate who is best known for his quest for CHANGE would be speaking at our school next week. We were under strict orders to remain silent about the possibility until the final confirmation. And within two minutes of this secret, which I will admit would be fun, I was thrusts back into a typical day as a high school assistant principal. With a fight, fainting student, drug sale, stolen ipod, stolen phone, drunk girl, angry parents, another fight and a pile of paperwork to follow. And by 6:00 p.m. I had completely forgotten about the possibility of change. Instead, I was begging my co-workers for actual "change" to buy myself a soda and crackers from the vending machine.

I finally got around to reading my email by 6:15 and realized that our building did not make the final selection...no CHANGE for us! Bummer!

Why is it...

that when things are stressful, you don't feel good and it's raining outside that seems like the perfect time for your mind to walk down memory's lane? WTF!!!! As if that is helpful...NOT!

IKEA coming to Denver-area

That is the headline in today's news. Okay not "the" headline but one of the headlines that caught my attention. It's the small things that make a day better.

Gift basket

One of my friends decided that a fruit basket from a local farmers market was the perfect gift to cheer me up. So tonight I decided to cut up one of the apples and eat with carmel sauce. Okay...I have to say that it's fat-free carmel sauce but I was trying to trick my brain. Back to the apple...I cut it in half and look what I found! Ugh! No more carmel apples and the fruit basket is sitting outside on the porch.

and then...

Focus on what?

I love the fact that at the last minute McCain decided to announce that Sarah Palin is his choice for VP! The announcement has evoked so many different responses from democrats, republicans, independents and everything in between. My first response...WTF!!! I felt like McCain was slapping all of the women of the U.S. in the face by assuming that if we supported Hilary it was about her vagina and not about her politics. I wanted to pick up the phone and let him know that unlike men...women can see past the vagina! I do support a strong woman who believes in education, equal rights, woman's reproductive rights, economic growth and an end to this war! But I don't believe that Sarah Palin can support any of those ideas!

So today...the uber conservative republican private life was splattered all over the news! Her 17 year old daughter is 5 months pregnant and is going to keep the baby. And Palin made the announcement that she is going to marry the babies father...of course! Note to 17 year old daughter...I'm sorry that this is a difficult time and hope that everything turns out great for you and your child. Note to Palin...how about that Focus on the Family idea now!

I guess McCain didn't know her well enough over the past 5 months to help lesson the hit to his political campaign. Just another example...we expect more from the next president. We expect somebody who cares, supports and understands.

Part of history

Tonight is the final night...the Democratic Convention is coming to an end. And while Barack is getting ready to take the stage it is sunny and a comfortable 79 degrees! The speeches have been inspirational and motivational. The media coverage has been typical and helpful. The energy in Denver is amazing! Last night I rode my scooter into the city and walked through the streets visiting vendors, watching for a glimpse of somebody famous and moving out of the way of the hundreds of police officers. It has been such a great event as a spectator and even better as a member of the community. Denver has embraced the idea of change and I have enjoyed participating in the chaos. Regardless of the outcome, tonight Barack made history...and I feel like I have had the opportunity to experience this major shift in the future.

HGTV – The Blogger Addition

So I’m sure that most of you have forgotten that I actually did complete a bathroom remodel this summer. Well, the bathroom remodel actually turned out to be my basement, my hallway, bathroom and now my bedroom (that is next...but not yet). Plaster walls are tricky, heating vents from the 30’s are stubborn and cast iron plumbing is messy. But finally…the bathroom is complete! My friend, Suzel Sass finished her bathroom several weeks ago but has been patiently waiting to do the big reveal together! We decided to post our brand new rooms together...at the same time. And we like to think of this as a show on the HGTV network minus commercial breaks. So when you are done here go over and look at hers.

Everything in the bathroom had to go…walls, ceiling, tub, toilet, sink…everything! And even found a few hidden treasures along the way.

Remember the beautiful orange and tan colored tiles. They wrapped around the entire bathroom and gave me a wonderful orange glow. And the original cast iron tub was so cold that you couldn’t take bath!

And now the white subway tiles give a retro feel while the black glass tiles give a modern touch!

Look at the tile floor…hope you have a trash can close by! I had to close my eyes in the bathroom so that I didn’t get dizzy with the tiles.

The new tile floor…just love it! I know…white grout lines not ideal, but I have sealed the floor so many times and do a scrub every weekend. The look makes it worth everything!

Loved the old pedestal sink, but it didn’t offer any storage or pizazz. Love my new sink and she has a matching faucet!

The original toilet was replaced with this fancy vintage looking toilet. And it’s chair height, so that means I can’t touch the floor with my feet. Maybe not the best option.

Added storage and new piece of furniture…and the bathroom is complete!

I know that Suzel believes that I’m much friendlier and will invite you all into my new bathroom…but I’m not that friendly!