The day is here

I started this blog to share my journey.  To share my feelings, thoughts, fears and joys in a way that made me feel safe.  This space has allowed me to share my ups and downs, write about the random thoughts in my head and I have met some wonderful people...friends.  But more than anything I would say that who I am today has changed a lot from the person that I was the day I created this blog.  I LOVE this blog and it has truly meant the world to me, but it no longer feels like a safe place to share anything. 

I have been thinking about how to let go for awhile and there is no easy answer.  I would like to continue reading the blogs that I love and making comments using this handle.  I have created a new blog that I hope will give me back that sense of freedom.  If you would like to know the name please feel free to email me.  But more than anything I want to say good-bye and thanks for being part of my life! 

Mystery solved

Ethel LOVES her peanut butter stuffed Kong every morning. It's actually her version f crack and it's also a great distraction from me sneaking off to work. She has a pink Kong (of course) and usually leaves it on the back porch for me to pick up after hours. That is for the exception of the 1st Kong which disappeared two months ago. She buries her bones in the mulch around the yard so i just assumed it would be found. In the meantime my mom bought her another. Things were going great until three weeks ago when Kong #2 vanished. Ethel and I walked around the yard digging up mulch trying to find the hidden treasure. NOTHING! So...I purchased another and today Kong #3 has vanished.

Luckily for both of us I found #2 on Monday in my alley. It was just lying there waiting to be found with a little part of it chewed off. While we were out looking for #3 my neighbor came out and told me she saw a squirrel with what she thought was a Kong today. Can you believe it! Stupid squirrels!

They aren't real

Get your mind out of the gutter! I was talking about dreams...

But the big question is why can a dream ruin your entire day? I play out a lot of situations in my dreams and some end better than real life and then others...well you get the point. This morning I woke up from a dream that felt so real and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and go back to that life. I wanted to live there. And because I couldn't and because it felt so real I have been in a funk all day long. Tears, anger, tears, tears and did I mention tears.

And now it's time for bed again and I'm not sure if I hope for a repeat event or do I dream of dancing in candy land.

Two steps down...#24

This is my year to face the potential for parenthood. As I sat at my grandfathers funeral earlier this year I realized there was no reason for me to continue to wait for the perfect situation. So I did nothing... Well, I did nothing right away but took baby steps for a couple of months.

First I sat my family down and told them that I was serious about being a parent and have explored all of my options and ultimately I am going to try and get pregnant using donor. Check! I met with the specialist regarding the process and have a detailed list of all the things I needed to complete before trying. Check! The doctor did tell me that because of my age we needed to do some extra tests to make sure that I am a good candidate for late pregnancy. REALLY!!! I'm 37 and apparently considered over the hill. Got over that information...Check! My blood work doesn't think that I'm over the hill and still seem to be able to produce eggs (healthy even). So what's next?

I have an appointment this week to have an ultrasound done to make sure that everything is flowing okay and there is no blockage. And then I guess it's a go. I have picked a donor...after having a donor selection party. And I have even started to take prenatal pills per doctors orders. Now I just wait to make sure that everything is good and then I'm ready. I am scared but excited at the possibility. Yikes!

Where did you go?

Does anybody read my blog anymore? Well...I know there are a few known as SPAM! I do wonder what happen to everybody but I guess the truth is that i really use this as my own world to be able to say whatever. Oh well!

I made a promise to myself that by January I would have 100 new experiences of some sort and I'm not really even close to making that goal. So it's time to focus. I have had new experiences so it's time to focus and write. Write for me.

I'm so flattered

I am doing a guest post on a blog that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to read. I appreciate Ms. Sassy allowing me to post something on her blog and add to my list making it #23. I started writing this blog as simply a place to express myself. Over the years I have gained friendships, learned a lot about myself and others and even gained a few followers who comment from time to time. This is still a place for me to think and feel out loud and something about has allowed me to write on somebody's blog. Thank you so much Ms. Sassy!

T-shirts, tools, corn and dog collar

Those were just the beginning of things I saw yesterday. I may have hit an all time low yesterday when I was trying to add new items to my list. Number 22...I went to the flea market. I don't know what that looks like in other locations, but in Colorado there is one flea market and I have NEVER actually had any desire to visit. But when a friend asked me to join and help find the perfect item (what was it again) I couldn't come up with another excuse.

It was 100 degrees, crowded and random. There were rows and rows of "prize" items that everybody needed to buy. I was honestly surprised at how many booths were selling dresses (okay they were really just long shirts but being sold as dresses) and that there were actually woman in there dishing out money. I walked by a man selling old dish towels to a young couple.

We left empty handed...well we did buy a bag of giant marshmallows simply because they were so big and had a few beers to keep us cool. It was a fun people watching experience but probably a one time experience.

What would you do?

#21...for a Klondike bar. I grew up in a family were life was pretty black and white. My parents always wanted to feel comfortable in the body and that usually involved dieting. So every week consisted of chicken breasts (skinless of course), broccoli, squash, fish...you get the point. We didn't have treats around the house EVER. No cookies, ice cream, pop, pizza or basically anything that was considered junk food. And it was branded in my brain that I could eat ice cream, cookies, pizza...without becoming the largest woman on the planet.

I haven't followed that 100% but there are many things I haven't experienced. And one of those was a Klondike bar! I love those commercials and sing the song all of the time. This weekend had a BBQ with friends and we just did it. We all had a Klondike bar and talked about what we would all do for another. Travel to Mars, make-out with the neighbor, jump off a cliff (into water) all were thrown out there. What about you?

Its HOT!!!!

101 degrees in the forecast today and it has been two weeks of heat. I love summer but would like a little break for maybe just one day. So many updates and so little creativity to write something moving. So I know that we all hate bullets but it's the best way for me to get past my writers block! So here it goes...

A. My back is still out but slowly improving. In fact, I was finally able to move the chair out of the bathroom and can officially stand up on my own. It does take a long time but finally!

B. Ethel is resting well at home now after her spay appointment and is able to use her sad eyes to sucker me into giving her more treats.

C. Fred is using his look to guilt me into getting treats because Ethel did...

D. Number 20 on my list. I had my meeting with the endocrinologist on Thursday and we have started the process. I gave 9 vials of blood and they ran a bunch of tests, have ordered more tests and started the ball rolling.

E. I am going back to work on Monday! YUCK! So it's time to get myself ready and back to the world of alarm clocks and full days. New building, new job, new people, new start.

Just a thought

I remodeled my bathroom two years ago (OMG...it's been a long time) and I was adamant about putting in a taller toilet. They are called chair height and are suppose to be such an upgrade. So I got it in there and from the moment that it was installed I have regretted that decision. When I am sitting my feet don't touch the floor. And as if that weren't embarrassing enough...now that my back is out I had to move a chair in there to help me lower and rise off of the seat. Really....

It's time

I have been stuck in my house for so long...all summer break to be exact. I have a bad back and can barley walk from from to room. So today I was back at my doctor trying to find some resolution and while I was waiting for the x-ray tech I saw the endocrinology room. Reproductive endocrinology to be exact. So I walked in and scheduled an appointment to start the process. I want a baby and I can keep waiting for everything to fall into place but hell I'm not sure it will ever actually happen. And I am not getting any younger so it's time to just start the process. I want to be a mom and this is a option available to a single, gay woman. I'm scared but excited and ready to start what I feel might be a very long process.

My last post was about my best friend and one of the things that I love about him so much is his zest for life. And I talked with him last night on his new adventure and he promised to still be a permanent fixture in my life (ie. in my child's life). So today I took the first step to try and do one thing that I really want...to be a mom.

There's no crying in moving

That's what I told myself over and over again this entire weekend. My best friend drove off into the sunset this afternoon with his partner. They have been dreaming of higher educational opportunities and today marks the beginning of their adventure. Moving 1,000 miles away to pursue this opportunity and explore another way of life.

I am happy, excited and proud for my friend. He has had some major ups and downs over the years and finally life seems to be all coming together for him. He has found love. He has found a man who is kind, smart, funny and full of energy who gets him, loves him, respects him and appreciate all of the little moments. He has found peace within himself and who he is regardless of other people's opinions. He has found peace with family and that has been a very long time coming. And more than anything after years of dreaming of a career he is now going to take the steps to make that happen. All of those reasons make me happy for him...

But at the moment I'm sitting here crying because my best friend isn't going to be around for awhile. And I have depended on him for so long that it does scare me to think that we can't just "get together" in free moment. But no matter how many miles there are he will always be my best friend and I wish him only the best!

So a little off my goal

I had this great idea that making a goal to do 100 new things in a year would be an easy task. Hmmm...but then reality took over and finding 100 new experiences has been a bit of a challenge. There have been things that count as a new experience but isn't what I had in mind for this goal so I refuse to add on the list. And then I realized that it has been almost one month since my last post and I hate that more than anything. So here are a few updates over the past month (and yep I'm going to use the bullet system):

#16 - Wine tours in Sonoma (Bay Area). My mom and I went on a trip to San Francisco right after my birthday for a week. We did so many wine tours (and purchased so many random wines) that somebody might mistake me for a wine expert. LOL!

#17 - I saw a whale! On the same trip my mom and I were sitting by the ocean looking out at the sunset drinking wine. The entire trip I kept telling my mom how much I wish a whale would just jump out of the water. And then all of a sudden I saw it...a head and then the puff of water. We sat for another half hour and watched three whales come up and down seeing both heads and tails. So fun!

#18 - DIY network I'm back. I have designed a new floor plan for my basement. Remember a couple of years ago when I remodeled my bathroom...I had to tear the basement apart to have access to electrical and plumbing. It's time to finish the basement and it is all my design. Now if I could just use somebody else money.

#19 - Attended puppy training. Since Ethel is my first puppy it seemed to make sense that I also needed to take classes. So...we have gone for seven weeks (every Thursday) to learn basic commands, build confidence and mostly to laugh at the look of pure joy while she plays with all of the other uncoordinated pups.

There are more but that's enough for now. I'll be back more frequently and hope that there are still readers. Happy July 4th weekend.

37!!!!

When did that happen? How is it possible that I'm actually 37 years old? I have moved all of my boxes into my new school, summer vacation has finally begun and I had a birthday all within the last three days. And this morning I woke up feeling like I have a birthday hang-over. Hmmm....am I the only person who is surprised by your actual age???

The end is soon.

Packed boxes, scattered files, overflowing to-do box, empty walls…that’s the view from my desk. It’s the scene of having one foot in the door and one outside. My time is quickly running out here in this job. A chapter of my life if officially coming to an end. The next couple of days are filled with stressful planning of graduation, coordinating finals, saying good-bye to students and staff…friends. I’m generally not as emotional about leaving a job but the past four years have been more than a job. I have given my heart and soul to this job, school, and community and in return it has at times embraced me, punished me and it’s even protected me from the outside world.
This morning I am here looking at the mess around me and honestly trying to figure out how to just get through the next couple of weeks. But then what…what’s in the future? Hopefully some calm and new opportunities.

More than words

Number 15...I wrote about finishing a book recently and it really stuck with me. Most important there was a phrase that reached out and touched my soul. I often get bogged down in "what if" or "should have" thoughts...and five words are a great reminder for me to stay present and grateful. I went to Vegas again for Spring Break and decided to find a new tattoo shop and ink my right arm (which has never been done before).

Welcome home...

And this is number 14! I would like to introduce the newest member of my family...Ethel. She is a 11 week old Goldendoodle. I have never been a dog owner by myself. I grew up with dogs and I have had some dogs in my life but never my very own. She is funny, sweet, sassy and is the perfect "Ethel" for Fred. They have a love/hate relationship which has grown over the last couple of weeks. I love her and can't wait to share more of her with you over the years.

Number 13

I haven't forgotten my list and I have so many updates that I'm hoping to post as much as possible this week. But number 13 happened this evening and I can't get it off of my mind. My parents are both retired now and it has taken a bit of time to adjust to that much "together" time. Especially since my mom can obsess on her "love" and can become a bit too much.

This afternoon I dropped by my parents house (which I will update why on a later post) and my mom was sitting at the table staring outside. As soon as I said hello she started talking and for the next hour I listened to her stress about my dad's health (he is having some issues), my dad's unhappiness with life, her inability to make it all better and that was the moment.

I sat next to my mom watching her cry out of frustration and self loathing because she loves so much and feels like she just isn't enough. The counselor in me came out and we talked that thought process through to a point of realizing that my dad is an adult responsible for himself. And then the daughter in me came out and I offered her my unconditional love and support and promise to help my dad.

But number 13 was the connection in my own mind. I am my mother in so many ways...and I define myself through other's pain and suffering. When good things happen to others I don't make any connection to myself...but when bad things happen to others I believe it's must be my fault. And I finally saw that reflected back through my mom's eyes. Knowledge is power...right?

Happy Mom's Day

Today is Mother Day and my brother's 40th birthday. So I'm on my way to brunch for the big celebrations... My mom is an amazing woman who deserves to have her very own day without sharing any other big moments. But my mom feels like the perfect way to celebrate is to remember her family and helping my brother celebrate makes for the perfect day.

But for me this moment is about knowing I have an amazing mom! She has her moments, like all parents do, but in the end she supports and loves me. She makes me smile and laugh more than most. And she is the perfect person to have in your corner when the world is beating you down. I pray to be a mom soon and I can only hope to be half as good as she has been to me. Love you mom!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

How long?

I haven't written in so long that it feels like starting all over again. I miss blogging, I miss reading other blogs and yet I haven't done that in forever. So I'm going to try and do better and catch up on my list of 100 things. But the burning question in my mind right now is WHAT???? My comments have shrunk over the year but now I seem to have a new following. I read the comments and have no idea what they say. But I guess thank you for following.

Spring Break

Number 12... A weeks vacation was exactly what I needed. Hell...it's what everybody needs. Spring Break is a little reward that comes when working in education and I made sure to make every second count. I took Fred to my parents and headed to the airport with two friends bound for Vegas (again)! On the flight there a woman sitting next to me decided to pull her phone out and call somebody as the plane was literally in mid-air! So I told her to get off of the phone and that started some drama. I had to sit for the remainder of the flight and listen to her try and explain why she should be able to use the phone and in the end they were all stupid reasons and probably came down to her using crack. But the best moment...we land in Vegas and she immediately gets on the phone and tells the person on the other line that she is sitting next to two F!@#ing C!@#S!!!! Yep...fill in the blanks everybody. She actually said it out loud and that created even a bigger moment. People in the seats in front all turned around and said something to her, people behind us said something and the flight attendants made her stay until we all exited.

Anybody else have crazy airplane stories?

Updates

So it has been FOREVER since my last post. Hmmm...where do I start? I did apply for that job but didn't get an interview. I applied today for a similar job hoping that the minor changes will show that what a perfect fit it would be. If not...they are promising to let me know by April 30th where I am going to be reporting next year. Yuck! I have been toying with the idea of throwing myself at their feet and requesting a move back to the counseling world. It would be a step back but I think that it might just be what is best for me and for kids. Would give me more time to do what I love and volunteer in my community with kids and families that appreciate help. Not sure yet but it is about time to make the final decision.

Four more days and the Spring Break! I can't wait...five days with no alarm clock and no WORK! I just want to soak up every down time possible.

I went to see Crazy Heart and LOVED LOVED, LOVED it!!!! Run out today and buy tickets if you haven't already seen this movie.

Okay...I am going to count this as number 10 and maybe even 11!!! I took today off from work. I almost never call into work and never on a Monday. Those are our team meetings and it is forbidden to miss. But this morning when my alarm went off I stood up and walked to the phone and called in for the day. No regret, no concern...I just walked back to bed and went to sleep. I spent the day updating my resume, applying for jobs, cleaning my house, working outside in the almost 70 degrees and work out. It was great! And number 11 happened at the gym. I was lifting weight when a woman walked up to me and commented on how strong I was? Excuse me? She repeated it again...you have a strong body and that's amazing. I picked up jaw up off of the ground and simply said thank you. Normally I would try to identify all of my flaws but it felt good to be viewed as strong. So simply put...thank you.

Happy Monday!

Nine!

I got up this morning and dressed in green except for my running shoes (they are pink) and headed out to Run for the Green. I met up with a couple of friends and we joined thousands of people to run/walk a 7k in downtown Denver for a cause. It was a wild bunch of people who were trying to celebrate, set records and stay warm!

I will

Thanks to all of you who offered the support and kick in the butt. You are all right...I have to apply because of the kids. Regardless of the outcome at least I tried and that is the only part that I can control.

A quick update...today my boss announced to my friend and I that he was going to make the announcement to the faculty that we are being moved at the end of the year. Did I mention he was going to make that announcement tomorrow? That is for effect...to try and hurt us in our current position and to break us more than we currently feel. And at this moment I am so grateful for my dad's genetics because the one thing that I refuse to do is break emotionally in front of my boss. So doesn't deserve my emotions. So we shared words and then when I didn't break he lashed out at me personally. He made some ugly statements, threats, etc. And in the end I stood my ground, defended myself and refused to continue.

So tonight I do feel emotionally beat and drained but I will not let him see that...EVER. And while I am sure the "dream" job isn't going to be an option if for no other reason than him I will apply tomorrow. Thanks for the push.

Should I or not...

Today a job posted that I have hoped for since I started working in education. The person who has had the job is a friend of mine and I have said no less than a hundred times that I wished she would retire. And there is some irony that given my current job situation this is the time she has decided to make it final and will exit the role in June.

This morning I got to work and she had left a voice mail telling me to look at the job post and get it filled in quickly. And my response...silence. The truth is that I would love this job, but really don't think that there is a chance that I will even be considered. It's political (as all jobs are for sure) and yet I feel pretty strongly that there is no way that with my professional reputation and current "transfer" out of my school that they would even consider me for such a role. A role that is really written for my passion and interest but that's not really the point.

Yes, I do have a professional reputation that has some truth and some not so much. I am outspoken, blunt, passionate, strong and can be a bit of a bulldog about things that I believe are best for kids. There are parts of me that wish for maybe a softer imagine, but the reality is that I am who I am and am proud of what I believe. I LOVE KIDS! I love the idea that they be supported, cared for, prepared for the real world...I love kids. And this job is a dream job in my mind. So...do I apply knowing that there isn't a chance? Or do I accept reality and hope it will come around another time...or not?

Brand Spakin New

My tax return got here last week and tonight I couldn't wait to buy the one thing that I have wanted for a very long time. My NEW WASHING MACHINE! Who needs a fun car, trip or fancy dinner...I sure do dream big!

Early release

I left work today at 5:30. I can't really remember the last time that I have been in my car driving home at 5:30 but today it was GREAT! I felt like a middle schooler on a half-day schedule because there was no much time this evening to work out, cook dinner, laundry, read and watch a little t.v. A good way to start the week.

I have also been thinking a lot about the L Word. I originally started watching the show during season three or four so was already a little out of the loop. But it didn't take long before I found myself so looking forward to Sunday evenings and catching up the stories every week. But it wasn't until later when I started watching the original seasons one and two that I actually felt the full connection. Every morning I would jump on the treadmill and watch an episode. Not just watch, but I found myself in the stories, questions answered and thoughts confirmed. And now that I haven't watched an episode in soooo long...I miss my friends. I miss the stories and I even miss the craziness. But mostly I miss only the first three seasons because they spoke to me on some level. Not really sure why I'm sharing all of this but glad that I did.

Eight???

Is that really all that I have done so far on my quest for new experiences? I have to focus if I am going to actually do 101 new things in a year. But I did experience number eight this afternoon and it has been a long time coming. This afternoon I curled up on my couch with the fireplace going, candles burning and a movie playing while snow started to fall outside and in a brief moment I felt it finally. I love this house, I feel safe in this house and I feel proud to call this MY house. I looked around and realized that I built a life and a home!

It's not the same

This afternoon I found myself driving to a hospital to help support and counsel families, kids and adults. The words were all the same...school, children, fear, shooting. The words were all the same but the events are very different. The latest shooting is terrible, scary and unimaginable, but it is not "Columbine" all over again. The media needs to a way to grab attention and sell a story, but I believe that today was a random act of violence that brings it's own story of pain and hurt.

And as I just walked in the door and am trying to decompress all of the sadness and fear that is a result of such a hurtful day I have been trying to find something to hold on to for hope. I started with the things that I am sure will happen again...I am sure tomorrow morning I will walk back into the doors of my school and believe it's safe. I am sure that I will be sad that such violence does exist but refuse to allow myself to feel paralyzed. I am sure that kids will continue to amaze us all with their strength.

So instead of obsessing over the latest news report I would say find one thing to smile about or put your hand together like a puzzle with the one you love and be grateful they are there. Or kiss your child and see the twinkle in their eyes or play a game of chase with your furry friend. Regardless...believe that this is not the same and it's a good reminder to embrace the things you have.

Six,

Time to update my list since February is almost over and I am WAY behind in completing 101 new things this year. Funny how death and joy loss can throw you off track. But....I have done a few new things so anything counts at this point.

Number six! I went to a dog show last weekend. I know the ground did not shake from such a big event but I had to see all of those cute dogs. It was hard not to buy a puppy but the average price tag of $1,500 kept me grounded.

Number seven...speaking with a psychic. I have had my cards read a couple of times and have had mixed results. The first time I didn't feel like she had a clue and was just randomly guessing. The second time she was right on in so many aspects of my life. So I decided to try a psychic to hear if there was a little hope to hold on to for now. It was a mix of predictions some good and some not very clear. Ultimately I could have predicted all that she did and saved a few bucks so I am going to mark that box and move on with life now.

I'll keep you posted on more events and hopefully a little more exciting.

List goes on

I stopped blogging about my list of new adventures at 5 and don't really have a good reason. I have experienced new things but haven't been able to figure out the writing thing yet. Thank you to everybody who offered the support and reality check about my job. I have no doubt that I am done working for my boss and even more done with him thinking that I'm his bitch. And I know that something new is exactly what I need. But my self esteem has taken a bit of a hit through all of this and my heart is a little broken over leaving some of the kids that I have worked so hard with to see them finally graduate. I know that we all have reasons for going to work daily and the kids are mine. So the next couple of months will be busy with job hunting, rebuilding my self confidence and saying good-bye. At this point there are no new updates on the job situation but I promise to share if and/or when something comes along.

I was looking over my blog entries and you know it has been a rough couple of weeks. I really have been trying to look at it all as a new opportunities. Sounds good...doesn't it. But I also know that I am determined to believe that it will all come together and make me a stronger person. Honestly 2010 was suppose to be my year. It was my year to stand up and take a step forward. And while it hasn't happened the way I had hoped for I haven't given up either. So just going to take it day by day at this point.

End of a chapter

Four years ago I started a job that was going to open the door for so many opportunities. Opportunities to make a difference, opportunities to grow, opportunities to support a family, opportunities for something bigger...

That job has been a constant roller coaster of emotion much of which I have shared with all of you. And while I have been searching for new opportunities this year I have feared writing the final pages to this chapter of my life because of so many other reasons. But life creates is own path that doesn't always match whats in your mind. Last week was difficult to say the least. I work on a team that is officially broken both personally and professionally. We each our functioning in survival mode and have lost the true concept of the meaning of "team". So my bosses boss scheduled meeting with each of the team members (there are four of us - five if you include my boss) to ask questions about our job performance, job satisfaction, personal and professional conflicts and a list of other potential career changing questions. We each had our meeting and then were expected to go on and act as if nothing had happened.

Friday afternoon, minutes before I needed to leave to cover another night event...that same boss (my bosses boss) showed up to have a meeting with my entire time including my boss. We all sat down wondering what was next...

Tracie and insert other co-worker's name...you will not be returning to this school next year. We will be looking for a new spot for each of you to start over. I know that there were additional words said but I was too busy trying to calm my breathing, absorb what had just happened, control my emotions and focus. I was told that this is essential to allow my boss a fresh start to be successful but that it is also my chance to start over.

Read between the lines and you will hear that somebody believes that eliminating myself and my colleague will fix the dysfunction at my current job. And so now we have to leave and start over and carry with us the stigma of being moved even if it's now really about us. And in a flash part of what I had hoped for, a new start, had just happened and the nightmare of nothing having control of the outcome was intertwined.

The politics in careers is never taught in a college course and never discussed when dreaming of changing the world. I will walk away with my head up knowing that I gave 150% to this job and I also kept my integrity by being honest about my feelings and opinions. I am scared to death of what is next for me...but know that I will land on my feet. Life lessons teach us all how to deal with different things. I have learned that not having control over the outcome of an event does happen even if you try hard to make it work. I have finally learned to walk away knowing that I tried and will try again and again but only worry about the things that I truly can control. Well, maybe I haven't mastered that one but getting better.

Where will this adventure take me next...

High FIVE!!!!

I played in a golf tournament on Sunday which isn't the new experience but this golf tournament was indoors. A couple of friends received an invite to a new virtual golf tournament and I couldn't miss that opportunity. So I packed up my clubs and headed out for a new adventure.

Golf is a funny sport to me because I can play amazing one minute and not even get close to the ball the next. Even more of a challenge is that I haven't actually swung a golf club for months because it's been so cold here. And to make it even more of a challenge I was the weak link of the four of us on the team. But the best part...I played so well that I won! Not the entire tournament but I won in the woman's category. Who would have thought? Is there a virtual LPGA...

Four down

Before anything I want to thank all of you for the support given the past couple of weeks. My grandpa's death has changed me and it's been an emotional journey. But the services did give closure and I was able to say the things that I needed to express. That being said...one of the things that I have walked away with from this experience is the need to have a better spiritual connection.

I was raised without any religion in my life. My parents openly would discuss their spiritual beliefs and also share their personal opinions, but my brother and I were expected to find our own spiritual and/or religious path. I love my parents for that freedom and allowing me to be free of judgement, but...it's hard to believe in something larger in life when you never really have to think about. I have a basic level of beliefs...higher power, forgiveness and spirits but this week I have also realized that I have a lot of unanswered questions. I guess maybe that is more about having faith.

During the services I was moved by the words and passion of the minster. He was solid in his own beliefs and had a clear faith in life and death. It inspired me to explore more and find my own journey to faith. I'm not looking for organized religion because I don't need somebody to define "ideas" and "beliefs" for me to follow. I am looking for my spiritual connection for myself to have unwavering faith in MY LIFE AND IN MY DEATH.

So...this morning I got up and went to a service at the Denver Center for Spiritual Learning. That's number four! It wasn't the right connection for me but was a new experience for sure. So now I'll continue on my list of options...Taoist, Buddhist, Religious Science, meditation and whatever else I can explore.

Focus...

I have been writing the eulogy for my grandfather's funeral tomorrow for the last couple of days. I have tried to write in different settings in the hopes that eventually it would all just come flowing out of my mind and express what's in my heart. I was picked (or better yet TOLD) that I was the person selected to speak for the family. I have a history of impromptu toasts to my family and friends and so I guess those were the qualifications in being chosen. I didn't have the heart to say no although every nerve in my body is screaming that tonight.

Focus...I write a few words and then drift off to my "to do"list, back to the eulogy and then lists of blog ideas. You get the point! Expressing myself should be easier than this but I am so worried that my words may not adequately express the love and respect my family has for my grandpa. Sorting through a lifetime of events, actions, beliefs and memories is difficult to succinct into a few words.

But it's done...at least for now it's done. And I hope that more than anything I am able to share that my grandpa did what he thought was best for himself and his family his entire life. He worked hard, played hard and loved unconditionally. He was a rancher, a construction worker, an investor, a husband, a father, a grandpa, a brother and a friend. Expressing his love wasn't always easy but he did the very best he knew how to and continued to try more and more. But the one thing that I learned the most from my grandpa is the one thing that I can't share at his services. My grandpa made some choices out of the need for comfort and not the need to be true to himself. He taught me that this is the only life I'm going to get and I need to make choices to be happy.

Focus...think I just found it!!!!

Out of the shoot

The past week has been a blur with funeral arrangements, tackling my personal grief along with my father's. And then trying to fit in the normal day to day living has made things seem a bit of a cluster to say the least. But to top it all of my first time out of the shoot didn't work out so well.

I had a date recently. I know that should have made the list of new things but have decided to leave that off for now. The date was fun, exciting and made me feel appealing again (or at least started to) and we actually had a follow-up a few days later. And then smack life happened and my grandfather passed away so I put life on hold.

We exchanged a couple of phone calls, a few texts over the past week and then tonight I got an email telling me that she has also been on a few dates with another person and has decided that her focus is there for now. But...it would be great to be friends. REALLY???? Unflipping believable! I finally get the courage to put myself out there and the dates seem to be good only to find out I am good "friend" potential. Not really what I was looking for...

Dating sucks! I have a history of making a great friend but haven't been able to keep them connected to me for the long term. I know that Dr. Phil would ask what that says about me...I KNOW, I KNOW...and while I haven't figured it all out I am determined to do just that this year. But right now I have to scrape my self esteem off of the floor and try to convince myself to do it all again. Yuck!

Rest in peace

My grandpa died today. I know that there should be a better way to put it out there but honestly I just keep repeating that sentence in my head over and over. He has had ups and downs with health for several years but always came back strong and never lost the hope for it to get better. My grandpa had a lot of loss in his life, two brothers passing before he was 20, taking over a farm that he had little passion about, losing the love of his life (my grandma) when she was only 48 and spending the last several years with a wife who treated him less than kind. But...he was always optimistic about life and loved his family.

So this afternoon I hung up with my mom doing our weekly chat and five minutes later she called again. I answered ready to hear "just one more thing" and instead I heard tears...no words, and then those words again..."your grandpa just died." And then all at once everything seemed to stop for a second. We divided phone calls, a plan to get my dad home from work and in between I kept repeating that same sentence again and again.

I know that eventually we will be able to look back on the good moments and be grateful that he went so quickly. I know that eventually the raw pain will pass and that twinge of sadness will takes its place. But right now the pain is huge and seems to take up the room. The only words that came to mind when I talked to dad were I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for him because now he has no parents here to lean on and love. I could hear in his voice the sounds of a child sobbing for his daddy.

Knowing that my grandpa is gone seems unreal and at this moment I feel very empty and alone. I honored my dads wishes to give him time alone with my mom to grieve. But I realized this afternoon that I was not prepared to handle grief. My grandma passed when I was a very little girl and there are few memories of that experience. So I had no idea what that loss would really feel like now. And I have learned that grief is hard and even harder alone. I loved my grandpa and will miss so many things about him. And I pray that he is now with my grandma which I know he longed for forever.

Goodbye grandpa...I love you!

Number 3...

I have so many items to update but it's late and number 3 is the best that I can do right now. I have been trying to get in better shape, fit into a smaller size and overall just feel attractive again for a LONG time. And since you have been on that journey with me I thought it only fitting to make this my number 3.

Today I started a new program that is hard core working out, eating, planning, blah, blah, blah. But that isn't the new experience. My new experience was standing in front of two friends in my bra and underwear while they took "before" pictures, measurements and read my weight and body fat out loud! That is the new part. I put who I am fully out there for others to actually see and have to trust that they aren't home now talking about how I looked.

And while inside my heart was pounding and my mind racing with anxiety, I was able to laugh at myself again. I was able to say...this is who I am good or bad. And that is definitely a new experience.

Yes I do...

Today I testified in a discipline hearing for one of my students. It was a first...I have never had to testify before EVER! I had a pre-meeting with the our attorney and reviewed all of the facts and details. Then I walked into the room and whispered to the attorney, "I might throw up from nerves." His advice, "don't" so I walked in and took my seat trying to look as confident as possible. Two hours later I was done answering questions from both attorneys. And I just kept wondering why I was the one on trial. I didn't do anything and the student didn't have to be questioned for more than five minutes. Really???? Is this how the system works? I'm not sure of the outcome yet but I do know that I did the best possible.

But....that isn't the big moment. When I was being crossed examined by their attorney he was trying to quote the policies to me and kept asking why I didn't know the details. "I followed the policies so I can't answer your question," that was all I could say. Then he did some big speech about how I needed to follow the details of the policy and I had failed. And then I opened the policy book and told him to turn to page 6 and following along as I read. I read the part he didn't get and when I was he had no other comments or questions. It was a great moment but the secret is that while I knew the policy was in there I had no idea what page it was listed. So when I flipped that book it just randomly opened to the correct page and while my hands were shaking like crazy I read it out loud. Thank goodness for luck!

I so should have been on Law & Order!

Brrr....

Okay I am ready for the sun! It has been so cold here the last couple of days that the only positive I could come up with was that I'm glad it wasn't like this when I took the plunge. I just got home from work and caught the news that everybody is experiencing cold, cold temps! Cuddle up everybody!

Yeah for pink!

No...I'm not pregnant. But I have been tracking my cycle for awhile and haven't actually ever received two pink lines to show I'm surging! I have been thinking about having a baby for several years but have been concerned that it was too late. Today I took another test and finally...two pink lines. So I stood in the bathroom at working jumping and screaming for joy! I'm not running out tomorrow to get pregnant but now that I have some hope that might be one of the 101 items this year. I'll keep you posted!

Number 2...

Hello 2010! There is a tradition here in Boulder that happens every New Years day and up until this point was something that "those" crazy people would consider. But a couple of days ago I decided that what better to be on my list of adventures than the one thing that would really kick it off.

I am usually up for any challenge and almost always excited about supporting a cause. So a couple of days ago I convinced a group of friends (small group because the others said HELL NO!) to participate in the Polar Plunge which supports Alzheimer's Association of Colorado. The name says it all really...a large portion of the ice is cut out to expose freezing waters begging for insane people to dive into if even for a second. I woke up this morning excited and nervous wondering what I was thinking to even consider following through. I used ice cold water to wash my face hoping to prepare for the days event and honestly just though CRAP! But to make sure that I didn't back out on this I arranged to pick up one of my friends and even meet my parents half way to carpool. We pulled into the lot where over 900 people were lining up to take the plunge. There we stood...my three friends, two of their kids posing for pictures that my parents were more than happy to take as long as it meant they didn't have to jump.
After standing in snow for over an hour with temps at 35 degrees our turn was finally up. We put on our sandals, stripped down to our swimsuits (isn't that a pretty site) and we stood inches from the water. 3, 2, 1...JUMP! I ran into the water and it hit me...OMG THIS IS SOOOO COLD! I am the one in the top right corner with the short hair (it was the only picture that came out). So after five steps into the water i dove (because it was only official if your hair was wet) and then turned to run out of the water as quick as possible.

Second really is all that it lasted but the memory will be forever. I loved this experience and loved that my family and friends were there to do it with me. Now the rest of my friends are ready for next year!