Artist I am not!

Okay...so I have tried for HOURS to correct my template and in the end had no luck. Soooo......I changed to yet another template (which took hours to figure out) and now the title is not working but in the big picture I care less about that then the dates. So who knows, this may change looks a hundred times before I actually figure out how to make it work all together.

It's New Years Eve and I am getting ready to spend some time with friends. I love the idea of New Years...starting over, new and sparkly, loving and wonderful. But the reality is that it's just another day with it's ups and downs. And while 2009 has come with some wonderful times it has also given me heartache and disappointment. But that's life really! So I am walking into 2010 with open eyes ready to experience all of my NEW things, enjoying my family and friends, grateful to have a job (even if it's a pain in the butt at times), my home and Fred. And I plan to take control of my world and be in better health, better spirits, better control and be open to life's adventures and love.

Happy New Years to all of you! Let's touch base next year!

Where did it go????

I have spent hours trying to make sure that the dates are still on my site. Yes...I changed the look, but I didn't want to erase dates. And when I go on to the template I see dates! But as soon as I post, no dates! Where do they go?

New look...new start

How does it look? I envy all of you bloggers who can change the look so often and keep things fresh. It's been a year and finally decided that with my new challenge to try 101 new things I needed a fresh look for my blog. A look that says simple, pretty and fresh. So I'm going to give it a try but welcome feedback.

Updates on my winter break. I was going to take a trip but fell through so instead I have spent time organizing, playing, working out and pretending like work isn't just around the corner. I went to see the lights at the Botanic Gardens last night and they were so pretty! I miss the warm temps but love the lights around town so it makes up for the cold...sorta.

There will be updates to my list this weekend if I don't chicken out. I hope that all of you enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Silent Nights

Not so much the song and my experiences. It will get better...right? But at least I have pretty lights to look at during those long nights. Merry Christmas to all of you!

Number 1...

I was hoping that number one of the 101 new items might be life altering...but I'm not so much. But part of this challenge is not censoring my experiences but instead just taking them as they come. So...the first "new experience" happened in the middle of another busy Christmas shopping day.

I stopped by Subway to have lunch and found myself confused about what to order. I have been working really hard on my diet and exercise so I can be a hottie (remember)! So there I stood staring at the menu trying to figure out how to eat healthy. I usually eat either a veggie or sometimes even the tuna sandwich. And there are a few crazy moments when I splurge and have a the spicy sandwich. But today I decided to try something that has never been ordered by me before! I had a turkey sandwich. Can you believe it!

Okay...I know that this i not exactly what any of us expected but it's step one. I never order turkey slices...EVER! It's a texture issue for me and one that honestly controls where I can eat. So today I decided it was time to just try it and see what happened. I survived. It was okay, not great, but okay and something that I could do again.

Let's keep our fingers crossed that number two is a little more exciting.

Finally...here is my challenge

So I wrote the last post about feeling inspired to make changes because of Julie & Julia and then there was nothing. Crickets maybe but words...NONE. It has been again a process to finally identify my new challenge. A process that has had some ups and downs but ultimately have allowed me to identify very specifically what is important.

Part of that process has been to identify that this blog has truly become so important to me that I find myself really trying to figure out what is worth posting and what would simply look like a lot of nonsense. Don't get me wrong, I think that nonsense is essential in making me truly happy but it doesn't always translate so well for me in writing. The real point is that with all of my other stuff happening in life right now, quality computer time is limited and I have to choose which sites bring me the most satisfaction. And in a time were Myspace, FaceBook, Linked (is that right?) are all the range I find myself more drawn to this blog and this process.

I have taken the time to really look at myself in the same way that Julie does in the movie. That reality check that this is the life that I created...good and bad. And honestly...I hate my life right now. I hate my job, I hate my body, I hate my anxiety, I hate being alone and I hate feeling like I'm not enough for somebody to know I'm the one. I hate that I put my life on hold for so many reasons and fear is one of them. I hate not spending as much time with my family and friends because of my work. I hate that I lost myself in the past couple of years and aren't being true to me. But mostly, I am embarrassed to admit that I hate my life right now. That is not me and that is not who I am going to continue to be.

So...that is my challenge. I am determined to find myself again and better yet, I am determined to improve who I am and enjoy life again. I started by enjoying my works out again and being focused on the moment. I have been reconnecting with my friends and honoring what they mean to me. I went back to therapy to learn to like myself and stand up for myself again. I have started to get up and move when anxiety grabs a hold of me and gain that control again. I have scheduled a meeting with my top boss to discuss a job change. And that is a great start to my new challnege.

So here it is....(drum roll) my new challenge is that I am going to do 101 new things this year. That means that one year from today I will have explored new foods, exercises, hobbies, activities, trips, friendships and so many more things that I promise to share in this blog. In fact, I had dinner with friends last night and put offered this as something we could all do together...we could do it together. And so essentially every three days I have to do something new to meet this challenge.

Welcome to my journey! I look forward to experiencing all of these new things and am excited to share these experiences with all of you (the few that still read). And, I can't wait to hear how you are inspired.

What is mine...

I mean what is my challenge? On the flight back from Mexico I watched Julie & Julia and LOVED ever minute. It was funny, sweet, sad but more than anything I felt inspired at the end. Inspired that when stuck is the only way you feel making a decision to move in a direction if only for a year can create a new life all together. I don't have any desire to learn french cooking so that option is out! I am already looking for a new job so that option is out as well. My first thought is about making myself happy....or more specifically working on me. But that seems a bit broad and a little frightening. So...what is my goal to change my life? No answers at this very moment but I promise that by the end of the week I am going to post my challenge. Any ideas? Anything you are inspired to try after watching this movie?

Back from paradise

I made it back from my quick trip to Mexico and had so many random experiences. I know that the bullet format is yucky but seems to be the most appropriate at this point.

• I loved Mexico and was quickly reminded of the beauty in the beaches, ocean and resorts. But I also realized that things are much more Americanized than ever before...with a Starbucks in short walking distance from most activities. And the expenses of cab rides, fresh fish and even beer which at times was $6 for a Mexican beer have also been Americanized!

• The biggest shock of my trip was that in ever bathroom a sign was posted reminding guests to not flush toilet paper but instead throw into the trash can next to toilet. Loved Mexico but was never so happy to come home and flush my toilet with the paper.
  
• My parents were happy to be in Mexico and share with me their celebration of 40 years of marriage. We made sure to drink enough throughout the trip to redefine CELEBRATION!
  
• There was a drunk evening when my parents shed tears about their love with each other, shed tears about my mom being forced to retire within the next week and they shed tears about feeling sad that my life isn't exactly the way they hoped it to be...
• After four hours of golf I returned to the hotel room with at least 50 mosquito bites and after the entire trip I now sit on my couch with over 100 from the top of my head to my toes!
  

And those were just a few of the highlights from my trip. Overall it was a nice break from the day to day life and loved sitting on the beach and not at my desk! It was fun to spend time with my parents and see that after 40 years of marriage and 50 years of being a couple they are still wildly in love. I came home feeling grateful for the experience, inspired that love might actually work, mesmerized by the beauty and relieved for toilets that can flush toilet paper!

Mexico here I come!!!!

It's Thanksgiving break from work (thank goodnes) and it's my parents 40th wedding anniversary! Can you believe it....40 years! I can only hope to be that lucky some day but by the time I celebrate 40 years I'll be so old that Mexico won't be an option. So....I am leaving in the morning with my parents to go and soak up the sun, drink some Mexican beer, scuba dive, golf and mostly part my butt in the sand and relax. This is exactly what my parents wanted to do for a celebration. A family vacation to rest, relax, play and just be together.

So I will be back hopefully tan, rested and grateful for my family. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Who said…

That’s not fair! I hear that every day at least twenty times a day. I hear it from kids, parents, staff members…I hear it over and over again. I don’t hear it from people who are struggling to pay bills, find food, stay safe…I hear it from those who got a ticket, failed because of lack of attendance, because we cancelled an extracurricular event due to lack of participation and even because they are being held accountable for cursing at me. And it’s at those moments when I fight yelling that life isn’t fair! And how did they ever think life was fair. Life has disappointments, struggles and things can be unfair.
That is the problem with this generation. So I know that it’s official that I now sound like an old person. But it’s true, every generation has an “issue” and for this generation it’s the belief that life is fair. They believe that “it’s” their right…no matter what is in question. They trust that their parents will fix it at any time they need. They believe that all of the good things come become they are entitled and they wear it like a crown.
And parents reinforce that thinking every day. Not all parents, but I can honestly say that daily I get phone calls and visits from parents telling me how things should be for their kid because that’s what is FAIR. Regardless of the situation; regardless of the behavior and simply just because it should be.
I love kids and they are my passion. I want them to feel prepared to enter the world prepared to handle the bumps, curves, joys and hurts. And I am frustrated that their biggest hurdle is usually the vision of the world presented by the people who love them the most. I know that when a parent hovers to protect, harasses to modify circumstances and/or demands fairness they are doing it from a good place. But if I could hold a mirror up for them to see into the future it would show their child crimpled because they do not have the skills to face struggle, disappointment, hurt and unfair treatment.
Okay, I will step off of my soapbox.

Snow days

The last two days have been cold and snowy leaving Denver to look like a scene from a Christmas movie. Everything is covered in snow...in fact I measured 15 inches of snow on my patio this morning. And tonight I'm looking out my window at snow covered roofs, porch lights shinning and silence. I'm not sure that you can see silence exactly, but it feels like that right now. Along with the snow came a wonderful surprise...two snow days. No school, no alarms, no hustle. Just fireplaces, candles, cozy moments on the couch and a break from a place that is not currently any comfort.

Tomorrow morning I will wake to an alarm and start the hustle all over again. And by Saturday Denver will experience 65 degree temperatures, snow will melt and all of this will look anew. But tonight I am just going to sit on the couch and stare outside at the pure joy of snow days.

Too Wicked?

Not possible!!! I love this show...in fact, I love it so much that today I saw it for the fourth time. The first was several years ago with my best friend and it changed the way I saw Oz forever. Last Christmas my parents and I went on a trip to California to see it (just because I guess). And when we returned from the trip found out that it was making another appearance in Denver. So...my family bought tickets. The same week...my friends bought tickets and I was included. Sooooo....today I saw in the theater watching my favorite show EVER and decided four times wasn't enough.

Anybody in love with this show?

The light bulb is on.

Oprah calls these Aha moments but I like to think of them a little more like a slap in the head. The light finally turns on and you see things clearly...and that could mean neat and shinny or cluttered and messy. Aha moments seem to indicate that when it finally comes everything looks clear and shinny. NOT ALWAYS! It's like when you tell yourself that it's only five extra pounds and you finally realize it's more like twenty! Good to realize, but doesn't feel like such a positive moment. Thank goodness for boot camp to help dwindle that number back down.

I finally saw the dots in my life. The dots that you connect over time that show the clear picture of who you are, where you have been and where you will go again if not changed. I use to believe that to change the world I had to sacrifice everything else in my life that might bring me joy. But I have realized that without joy in my life...I can't change anything. I use to believe that working out would help me fit into a pair a jeans...but not I see that it also (and more importantly) lets me be in control of my body and face most obstacles. I use to think that allowing my family and friends to use me and say hurtful things (in a very passive way) was part of keeping the peace...but now I realize it taught me how to expect the world treat me and affect my soul because of my choices.

So that light bulb went on this morning at 6:00 a.m. and burned so bright that I was almost blinded. I thought of all the wasted time and energy I have put into keeping the peace with my family and friends only to explode emotionally in the end. And then the point is lost...it becomes about my emotions not their treatment. That's not fair to anybody, especially me. Maybe sounds like an Aha moment...but this clarity doesn't come with only shinny new potential. It also comes with work, change, sadness and pain...which will in the end look different than it did at 5:59 a.m. Not necessarily a bad process or outcome just different. But it's time to face what I see and not turn out the light (like I have done before) and pretend it didn't exist. It's my turn, my control and ultimately my life.

I'll take another

I never drink alone...NEVER! I reserve that for a social environment if for no other reason than appearances alone! LOL!!! But last night I intended to do some house work, read a book, write in my journal BUT a nice glass of wine sounded good to kick it all off. Opened the bottle and poured into a fun wine glass and then decided that housework could wait while I did read my book, wrote in my journal and continued to finish the entire bottle. At the end of the night I was simply that silly drunk 80's girl! You know what I mean...that girl from high school who got drunk at a party and instantly became a crying mess. That was me!

And then this morning...I opened my eyes only to relive my range of emotions and actions. Not to mention a splitting headache that has lasted ALL day. Lesson learned...wine + emotions + early morning meeting = DISASTER!

Perfect spirit

Good-bye sweet girl. Your beauty was larger than life both inside and out. Your soft red hair, sweet brown eyes and generous spirit filled the hearts of all who had the chance to know and love you. You will be missed by everybody but especially by your sister and mom. I pray that you are able to run and play in snow now, eat an unlimited amount of food and have constant loving and attention. And if you could make your presence known to your sister and your mom to let them know you are around and love them...it would be helpful. There has never been a more perfect dog then you!

Everything Pink!

Today was the Race for the Cure in Denver. Events started at 7:00 a.m. and for the next several hours downtown was packed with people of all ages and sizes with one thing in common....PINK! Temperatures were cold this morning marking the true beginning of fall and ultimately allowed participants to wear pink hats, pink scarfs, pink jackets, pink, pink, pink. I was just like the rest...pink shirt, socks, shoes, hat, scarf and gloves. The hat and gloves were only needed while I drove my pink scooter to the race site. And there I met my friends and family to support such a wonderful cause. It's an inspiration really. So many people coming together for the purpose of raising awareness and money. Every year I am in awe of the amount of people who are trying to make a difference. Proud to be from Denver where this race is one of the largest in the country and people are all about supporting a cause.

Be careful what you want

I love those commercials about identity theft. That old couple that talks about wanting to go hang at the mall, cruise around and just hang with their friends. Love it! But when it happens to you...not so funny.

I got a call several weeks ago that my credit card had been compromised and needed to be canceled and a new card reordered. I thought it was a minor inconvenience at the moment but now it's a different story. Today I got the actual bill...these idiots did a road trip and ate better then I have in years, stayed at amazing hotels, filled their tank of gas so many times that I think they must have rented a semi-truck for the trip. And lastly...they bought hundreds of dollars worth of crap at Walmart and Target!!!! Really...you want to steal my identity then you get to take it all. You get to wake up every day and go to a job that is full of stress and assholes. You go to bed lonely and wondering how you will afford certain items for your house, friends, family...etc. You get go to gym and sweat your ass off just to fit into those jeans every week. You want it...I'm happy to share. But you have to take all of it not just part. But instead you decide to take the easy way in life and stealing credit cards, taking vacations and letting other people sort through the chaos.

Not as funny as on t.v.! Happy Hump Day!

How does that work?

Cough, sniff, aches...YUCK! Flu shots have never been my favorite item invented but this year I have started to think differently. My niece spent the night with me and we talked about all of the yucky germs floating around our schools. So first thing this morning we decided to get a flu mist! I had heard of the mist before but never experienced such magic. I wasn't expected to feel much except for that rush of wet up my nose that would drip, drip, drip. NOTHING! There was no dripping, no feeling...nothing! I hope there was something in that thing to make sure the flu stays away!

No...it isn't....

and wasn't what I wanted...

Just is...

Missed you all

I haven't written anything for a LONG time! I haven't even had the chance to read many of your posts either and that just sucks. Blogging was an experiment when I started but it has turned out to be something that I love. I have made good friends, shared things that seemed impossible to share and laughed while writing and ready all of your blogs. Sometimes as you know...life gets in the way of the things we love. I can't fix everything right away, but I can fix allowing all of the crazy things in the world take away one of the true pleasures in my life. So...I'm back and will do better.

My job is sooooo crazy right now that I haven't had time to do anything that I love and that has made me cranky. And my boss...well you know how I feel on that topic. So when I was told that I needed to work more (hmmm...more than my 60 hours a week recently) I snapped. About a month ago I went to Vegas for a friends b-day party and found the perfect shirt to describe how I feel about him and others at various times. It's so inappropriate that I felt wild just for buying...let alone actually putting it on. The phrase is simple, direct and clear!!!! F@#% YOU...YOU F@#%ING F@!&!!! Except...it actually says it...no symbols!

So my response on Friday to his statement the day before. I wore the shirt! Okay...I wore it underneath another shirt, but all day long I felt better just knowing it was there. And this week my response to him...working a lot less hours and loving it!

Bugs, bugs, bugs...

I'm finally back! My computer crashed two weeks ago and I have been feeling so lost. No blogging, not much of a chance to read, no emails, no searches...nothing! I brought my broken computer to work and found a miracle. There was somebody who is a true computer genius and magically fixed all of the problems. He did such a good job that now my computer should last at least another year (hopefully more). And like passing the torch...he handed my computer over and informed me that I had over 75 virus on my computer! WOW!!!!! But it's Friday and I am taking my computer home for the weekend and might even snuggle up to it to make up for lost time.

On another topic, I experienced something this week that I have been thinking about non-stop. I have great neighbors...in fact I have an amazing neighborhood. But I have grown very close to my next door neighbors, a young married couple with a two year old son. But over the last couple of months I have felt some strain between them. Our houses are private for the exception of one room in each house. If we are in just the right place we can see each other through the window. That spot for me is the bathroom. So I usually shut the blinds in the early evening so that we all have privacy.

The other night I went into the bathroom in the dark to shut the blinds and I caught just a brief glimpse of heartbreak. They were sitting apart, talking, crying...not yelling...just breaking. I quickly shut the blinds and felt guilt for entering their private world. But it's that specific look that says it all in a flash. It was two people who love each other enough not to scream and fight but who are lost and breaking apart. It was that look of desperation and fear. It was that look that haunts all of us. It was simply the look of heartbreak.

I have been thinking about it non-stop and trying to figure out the best way to offer my support to my friends. So last night my mom stopped by and I was sharing with her this moment and asking for advice, support...anything. (My parents will be married 40 years in November and they got married while my mom was a senior in high school and pregnant, so I think of her as a good resource.) We talked and she walked outside and found my neighbor crying on her porch. Within seconds the three of us were listening, talking and bonding. My mom's advice...take a moment to figure out how to get back to center. She talked about their love, friendship, commitment, baby...and in the end they need to take the time to heal this now and now run or quit. She reminded her that more than anything...they need to remember their relationship and tend to that first. And then she said very quietly...be gentle with yourself and with the one you love. Be honest, real and open to doing the work to heal. Love isn't always easy or always perfect but it shouldn't be a chore and it shouldn't be thrown away without any effort.

My mom's advice was amazing! But even with that great advice I looked in my friends eyes and could see the pain that is currently all consuming. I know they love each other. And I know that loving somebody and having that returned is a gift. I hope that love conquers everything else at this point...

Perfect...

Cooking dinner, ironing clothes, running on the treadmill and watching t.v. A perfect way to spend hump day! Okay, maybe not perfect but close!

First big step

It's here...the first big day of your new adventure. Tomorrow you will get up and be filled with excitement and maybe even a little fear about what the day will hold. I know that you will put on a new outfit and feel smart, pretty and ready to go! And as you and mommy walk into the building you will feel it...the energy of all of those books, lessons, crafts and memories. There are things to learn, friends to make and growing to do. I know that you are going to love this new adventure and be filled with exciting new stories and ideas. As you walk into your new kindergarten class know that I am sending you hugs and kisses and best wishes.

Have you walked in my shoes?

Unless you have a freakishly small foot I doubt that you have. I'm back from my working conference and soooo happy to have two full days without the co-workers surrounding me. But honestly it wasn't the worst three days of my life and I have a few stories to share at a later time. But back on topic...today I decided to stop at the outlet mall and check out the sales at Nine West. I wear a 5 - 5 1/2 size shoe and this seems to be the one place that I can almost always find something to buy. And buying a pair shoes is like an hours worth of great therapy (just what I was needing) and it costs about the same.

And as I was admiring my three pairs of new shoes, I was thinking how much my shoes actually say about me. Shopping for shoes is always calming because my size never changes...regardless of weight gain or loss. And in the end I can slide into a pair of shoes and express exactly who I am at that moment. Here are some of my favorite shoes...

These are one of the new pairs (I also bought a pair in black). Leopard print is fun and wild!!!!!!
Third new pair and they were only $10!!!! Who doesn't love a deal like that...and they are hot looking.

Summer time so wonderful for shoes... I love flip flops. All colors, materials and designs...just love them. And the tan pair I am in love with right now. They look like Dr. Scholls (from back in the day) but adding a heal sexed them up. Comfy!

Some work shoes that I can walk around in without crying in pain and still feel a little sassy in a job that doesn't really allow for much sass. They are perfect to go from work to drinks and make me feel spicy!

Oh Dansko...what more can I really say. These shoes give me comfort and security every time I slip them on...even though they are so not cute, sassy or spicy. But when I was in the process of accepting myself it was this pair of shoes that I felt understood and protected me without judgement. I know that sounds a little deep and a little crazy, but it's true. Now I wear them off and on between my others but I will also keep them as a reminder of what I have walked through to get here.

My list wouldn't be complete without my Uggs... This is my new pair from this Christmas and I have thought about sleeping in them because they are so great! They are the blankey that comforts, the sweatpants that call your name after a long day...hell I love them so much that I wear them around like slippers.

And FINALLY ( I know your done reading this by now) my running shoes! I love them because they were designed online, have black patten leather which is just plain fun and make me feel strong every day that I run. I put them on and can't wait to move and sweat!

Back at it!

I started work again yesterday and want to say...CRAP! Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my job. It just that summer break has been such a nice change and there have been alarm clocks for the past 5 weeks. But worse than hearing an alarm clock...I am leaving tonight for a conference in Breckenridge with my colleagues until Friday afternoon. Nothing like jumping into the deep end. I will be bunking, eating, talking, drinking and meeting with them for the next three days non-stop. I guess summer break had to end some how. I'll be back soon...hopefully!

Urban Assault Ride

Two weeks ago my mom sent an email with the link for the Urban Assault Ride with a note..."looks like so much fun you should sign up" and...I did. I convinced a group of friends to sign up and spend the day riding bikes for a good cause. I borrowed a newer bike from my dad (he had more bells and whistles) and at 7 AM had a bagel and tea with my friends waiting to plot our adventure. This was going to be soooo much fun and the fact that none of us had been on a bike in years didn't matter. So we started our ride and went from one location to another location completing tasks in between like rowing a skateboard with a plunger, riding an amusement park ride, catching wet sponges with my head and even jumping into a pool with our clothes on to swim a lap. And when it was all said an done...three hours and two minutes later we all crossed the line together. We rode our bikes over 30 miles racing against people who could compete with Lance Armstrong. And today...my legs feel like somebody has driven over them with a dump truck and not to mention that other parts would have greatly benefited from padding! But it was for a great cause and a lot of fun. Even feeling a little inspired to try and bike to work a couple of times a week....maybe

And I'll pray...

Hard news hits in so many ways... I am sending my post positive thoughts and prayers out to you and your family. There are no words that I can find to give comfort. So I simply send the message that I'm sorry for this difficult situation and wish for the very, very best outcome possible...very, very quickly.

FOOOOUUUURRRR!!!!!

I love golf! I'm not great but I still love playing the game. My summer break is quickly coming to an end so I have been doing as many things possible to enjoy the rest of my time. I went golfing yesterday with a friend. We got paired with two idiots with the worst possible personalities ever!!!! These two guys were clearly upset that they had to share the day with two women on the golf course...and even worse that we were better golfers (maybe just a good day) then either of them. I tried everything to lighten the mood but nothing changed. Except that as the day went on they decided that it was appropriate to treat me like their sex object...NOT! At the final hole I was getting ready to hit my second shot, my friend told them to pay attention and in my head I thought...wow...i hope they don't have to pay attention because if I hit towards them it would be a REALLY bad shot! And then...I swung, the ball flew and SMACK! It hit one of the guys right in the ankle and dropped him instantly. It was wrong, it was an accident but it was so funny that I laughed out loud for 10 minutes. He was okay and I did apologize after I was able to pull myself together. But honestly, I love golf now maybe even more than before...guess karma does exist...finally!

This is why

So many questions the past couple of days...Why don't I post any pictures of myself? When are we going to see your new do? Why can't you just post something personal? Okay, okay...I don't always love to see myself in pictures but since I put it out there here it is...my new do!

Can you say OCD?

I sit down in front of my computer time and time again and start to write. I write about nose rings, babies, crazy kitty (Fred), decisions...blah, blah, blah. And then at the moment when I'm almost ready to publish I just stop and delete it all. I think about what I wrote, I think about what you will think, I think about what is missing...I just over think it all.

I took a nutrition class last month from a personal trainer and it sparked something inside of me. I went to the library and checked out five different books on different nutritional styles and began my crazy quest to uncover the secret to healthy eating and ultimate weight loss. Hours passed by and the next thing I realized it has been five hours and I was simply rethinking all of my decisions over and over and over again.

My parents were going to give me a dog at Christmas time because I know that Fred would love a playmate and I have always wanted a dog. But I started to analyze and rethink all of the reasons why I might not be good for a dog. I replay it in my mind over and over all of the pros and cons...and still no dog.

Lastly, as you all know I have talked about wanting a baby and making that happen. I have done my research, connected to a single mom network, shared my wishes with family and friends, planned for money, daycare...I have done planning, planning and planning. And yet as the moment gets closer and closer I spend every second in my head thinking about my decision and if I am prepared enough to do the one thing that I want most.

Monday my mom took the day off of work to help me paint several rooms to finish yet another summer remodeling project. We talked, laughed and talked some more and I was sharing all of the thoughts that have been running through my head. And finally, she said it..."get out of your head and trust your heart." Do I have OCD? Maybe...don't we all. But I think that I take on all of the possible negative things that might happen or have happened. And my need to stay in my head is simple a way to protect my heart. If my head is constantly spinning about the possibilities and consequences, then my heart is less likely to get hurt. Because when I have followed my heart in the past it opens me up in a way that is sooo scary.

So for now, I'm going to try and stay in my heart and out of my head. And if I find a dog then I'm just going to do it. And I am going to stick with my plan for a baby and just see what happens (okay...I'm going to hope for a positive outcome). OCD....I'm going to kick your butt!

Work in progress

I can't believe that it's been almost two months since my last post. I have missed blogging, missed sharing what's in my head, heart and all of the random crap that happens on a daily basis. I have been doing a lot of therapy, self reflection, writing in my journal, bonding with family and friends...and I have used A TON of alcohol as my therapist (okay...not really that much). There have been great ups and some pretty tough lows. But overall I am starting to feel myself again.

I am working on trusting me! Simple I know...but I had forgotten how to trust me...trust what I know, what I feel, what is in front of me as fact. I had forgotten to believe that good things DO happen, love can heal and that I am capable of survival... I cut my hair short again after dreaming of that for so long. I started singing in public again (story for another time) to prove to myself that I have a voice. And I have been trying something new every day to push myself.

So I am now here to say...I am a work in progress. But I want happiness, I want love, I want passion, I want trust and loyalty, I want a baby and a family, I want peace, I want to love myself and I want to laugh every single day!

Is there a fool in the room?

Going to take a break for a bit. Need to work on not always being the fool in the room. I'll be back at some point...

Okay...wait, do what?

It's time to lighten the mood for moment. And I can't believe that it has taken me this long to share this with all of you. It's part humor and part warning! And it all starts the day after our mini blizzard the day before my trip to Vegas...

At the last minute, I decided to try a spray tan so that I could actually wear shorts without blinding anybody. The only thing that I knew about the spray tan was what I had seen on t.v. so I knew that I wanted a person to spray me not a random machine. Or so I thought...

I made an appointment over the phone and had only ten minutes to be on time. I walked into the salon hoping for some warmth to protect me from all of that snow. This small woman introduced herself and told me to follow her into a room. But room was not really accurate, it was more like a large closet with a black tent in the middle. She told me that I needed to take all of my clothes off, put on a shower cap and flip flops she provides. Hmmm...did she really say take EVERYTHING off? Yep...told me that it would be a better look and it was really messy to get out of clothes. She walked out of the room and I stripped down to nothing, added the shower cap (note to self...not a good look), slid into the flip flops just in time for her to reenter.

She tells me to stand in front of the tent with my back facing her and then I feel it! Ice cold, wet liquid shooting at me. Oh, she forgot to mention that the liquid is sprayed by way of an air compressor so it will be cold. COLD HELL...I could have cut glass! So she is spraying my body and talking about nothing important and then I hear it..."bend over." Excuse me..."BEND OVER" she repeats. Huh...what for? She gave me some explanation about tan lines because of my butt cheeks so okay, I wouldn't want that. So there I am in a small room NAKED, for the exception of my flip flops and shower cap and I am now bent over with my hooha in her face. Literally...she is kneeling down with her face inches from a place that I don't share with just anybody. And then it happens...she shoots that ice cold, wet tanning solution up my hooha! Yep...you read correctly!

It took a few more minutes and then she was done spraying everything else on my body and even used some sponge to smooth and blend all over. Well, except for inside me...I guess that doesn't need to be blended. She then tells me that I will feel sticky for a couple hours and that I can't shower until the next morning. That would have been good information prior to getting a tan. In fact, the fact that I was wearing jeans and they were going to be stuck to my body for the next couple of hours would have been good information. And then the final blow..."and you should leave your bra off for a couple of hours." Now for some that isn't an issue, but let me explain my situation. I have a side D cup so a bra is essential in public. Not to mention, I wore a white t-shirt that day and was going to have a drink with my friend after the appointment. So I did it...

In the end, the tan was great by the next morning and was exactly what I hoped. The only issue was that it started to wear off randomly within a day and then I just looked strange! But my only true regret...I was tan both on the inside and out but nobody would ever know! Think before tanning!!!

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I don't usually celebrate this holiday but tonight might be an exception. I have been thinking about ice cold Corona and a huge bowl of chips and salsa all day long! So I think that maybe its a sign that tonight I should celebrate!

And while I was day dreaming about beer and chips...I also spent the entire day sitting in a room with really smart people talking about literacy and designing strategies to increase ALL student literacy. And there was actually a moment that I wondered to myself (I hope it was inside my head) WTF are you doing in this room? I've written before about my perceived intelligence and I'm not saying that to gain attention or sympathy. I really am not stupid...but in terms of book smarts I not your typical educator. And I do consider myself not the smartest person out there. I am more of a common sense smart person. But I am attracted to smart...in fact nerdy smart is such a turn on for me. So I believe that I know smart because I am drawn to it. So while we were talking about improving student literacy it dawned me that maybe part of it really is mental and we never address teaching self-confidence!

So of course I tried to think about strategies that have worked with me and how do I teach those to others. And then I realized...I didn't teach myself strategies to believe in myself. Instead I taught myself strategies to fake self-confidence. I beat myself up just as much as I assume others would after having a conversation about literature. When does that self-esteem thing take over and redefine who you are to yourself? Over the years I listened to people tell me that maybe I wasn't the smartest person or that I had big legs or that I wasn't enough...and then at some point...that's who I became inside. Yes, on the outside I fake it and present confident, independent and detached from people's opinions. But on the inside...so not the case.

The reason I love working with kids is the idea of giving them hope, confidence and security. So how do I do that if I don't give it to myself? My counseling skills just kicked in...YOU DON'T! It's time to face me. It's time to redefine me. It's time to be honest with me. And so yes...I'm not the smartest person it he world. But I can survive. I have a good job, I own a great house, I can pay my bills and put money in savings and I am a good person. And it's okay not to be the smartest. (still working on really believing that one). And yes, my legs are bigger than some and so is my butt, stomach, boobs...but I try to eat healthy and exercise daily. And I might not be enough for somebody...but I am enough for me. And that should count...(I hope)

This is my place to process and face myself. It's the place that I can be so random, real and raw all at the same time. And so I am making the promise to myself that yes, I'm working on me...but trying to celebrate the good things about myself on this happy Cinco de Mayo! I hope the same for all of you!

Does it really????

I rewrote this entry so many times that I have lost count. I thought about sharing a funny story, but then couldn't tell it in a way that translated as funny. Then I was going to write about all of the silly phrases people use to make use feel better like everything happens for a reason; what comes around goes around; if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be; patience and hard work are all it takes to succeed. I rarely find comfort when somebody tells me one of these phrases maybe because it's not usually at the best time to hear something that gives me no control over my own life. But then I realize that I need to work on having a little more faith. But as that relates to this post...not so exciting! So what do I have to share right now that would make it worth your time to ready? Hmmm...maybe tomorrow.

Mattress update...

Okay so I write something about my new mattress and then nothing... Crickets in the background nothing. So here is the deal...I ordered a Serta Presidential Suite mattress (the exact same kind at the MGM) and on Monday it arrived! They set it up, took away my old mattress and left all within minutes. And then...there I stood looking up at my mattress. It's soooo tall! I almost need a step or two just to get on the mattress. Funny that I don't remember that part from Vegas. Either way...I love it! No more back pain...I actually feel weightless. I wish there was an invention for that would allow me to feel the same way standing up.

Weekend update...HORMONE HELL! Is it possible that my entire body could play a game on me and overdose in estrogen? I had PMS all weekend...the kind of PMS that allows you to plead temporarily insane. Friday night...worked until 7:30ish on a grant that and then came home to an exploding headache and bed! Saturday...work, work and work again. With random tears throughout the day. I cried at anything and everything! I stayed home and did nothing, talked to nobody and hoped that I would wake up in the morning and feel normal again. No such luck! Today...more crying and bloating. Being a woman is crazy! My mom use to tell me that PMS went away after having a child...which I know is not true. Teachers use to say that when "girls" exercise and eat well PMS is not as strong...not true either! So what is it? Why are some months fine and others more like living in a Lifetime movie? So random!

And one of those too...

I just got off the phone with a delivery company and can't wait for the scheduled time. I made a purchase that needed to happen at least ten years ago, but I finally decided to just do it!

I first discovered this item several years ago...and have often fantasized about the experience. And then a month ago I was reminded how wonderful it really is...my new mattress! The MGM in Las Vegas has the best mattress, pillows and bedding in general. I always said that if I had the chance to find out the exact brand I would run out and purchase immediately. So while I was there last month I did just that! And after my frantic search and careful budgeting...two weeks ago I purchased my new mattress online and is being delivered on Monday. I even found the pillows and ordered a set to be delivered on the same day! I know, I know...it's a bit obsessive! But I have had the same mattress that I purchased for $50 more than 16 years ago!

I'm sure that my bouts of insomnia, sore back and restless nights are all going to be better because of my new mattress. At least it worked in Vegas...or maybe that was the high volume of alcohol. Oh well, I'm going to keep fingers crossed.

How long have you had your mattress?

How about this?

It's that time of year again...PROM! If you don't work in schools...especially high school, it's easy to forget how all consuming such big events really become. Prom week at my school is advertised and even glorified as the "event of the season" including a different theme day leading up to the big event.

Boys have been wearing tuxedos to school as advertisements in exchange for a free rental on the big night! Girls are talking about their tanning, nail, hair and make-up appointments to make sure that the dresses their parents purchased for hundreds of dollars are displayed correctly. We have speakers coming this week to ensure that good decision making is done by all of those attending prom. And honestly...who isn't attending at this point (their words...not mine)!

And for me, Prom means another night of supervision including time spent in a side room with a bathroom nearby for those students who decided to make Johnny, Jose or Jim their best friend for the night. It also means that I will be working the After Prom event until 5:00 a.m. after a full-day at work, dance and then games. I love staying up late and did that a lot on my recent trip to Vegas. 5:00...that's a breeze! Unless it means you have to actually work until 5:00 a.m. and then it feels like a 72 hour shift!

And on top of all of that...I am still expected to dress the part at the dance! My co-workers are talking about what to wear, getting ready and going shopping. And I even find myself getting sucked into the preparation. And then I remember...THIS IS WORK NOT PROM! So tonight I will be looking searching through my closet trying to figure out what I can wear that will work for such a massive event! And what is washable just in case one of those students decides to throw up their best friend! And in the end...it will be fun for the kids they will clearly learn that the event of the season went by so quickly.

How long has it been...

I took another break from blogging...starting to feel more like the norm. I have been reading other blogs and feel slightly up to date on your lives. There have been big moments, life altering decisions, devastating events, uncontrollable laughter and so much more. I love reading every bit that is out there as often as possible. But then I sit down to write something from my own life and I simply come up with BLANK THOUGHTS!

I am stumped about my block. It's not like there haven't been things to talk about...work, house, my heart...hell I just the crazy weather could be something to talk about. And yet every day I come up with nothing to say. Sometimes I think of a great entry and then rethink the words, intent, consequences and within seconds I am pounding away on the BACKSPACE button until there is nothing but a blank screen.

I'm not a writer (thank goodness my income doesn't depend on that) so I'm not really sure what is the best way to push through a block. But maybe I'll just try random thoughts...

• I love that there have been stories of Pirates in the News. Almost feels like a real Disney movie. Not all of the bad parts...just the mention of Pirates.
• Work has been so crazy that I am starting to wonder what have a "life" really would be like.
• Will love always hurt me? Will I ever be "enough" or will I ever be able to have hope again?
• Is it time to try for a baby...or does the work stuff make that impossible?
• Why is it still snowing...NO MORE PLEASE!
• Am I that person...the one that is great to support somebody, help create celebration, find solutions but incapable of creating my own world?

WOW...that was uplifting (NOT)! Okay, so maybe this is my last whine for a bit. Maybe now that it's all out I will be able to write something to write about.

Vegas Baby!!!!

Okay...I'm back finally. Spring Break vacation is almost over for me but I have tried to fit as much in as possible. Two days before we left for vacation school was cancelled due to a snow storm. So it was like a bonus day...snow days are even better than planned vacations. There were four of us from work who jumped on a plane headed for Vegas and hoping that we could all combine our personalities. We did pretty good as a group. Three of us are very similar so our trip included a ton of alcohol, walking, gambling, shows, staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning...just living Vegas style. During the other hours, the four of us sat by the pool in 80 degree temps, shows, more shopping, drinking and again just laughter.

I love Vegas and realized that this was going to be the first time I have been there in years without a partner. But I was also able to share those memories and the good times with my friends and we also created a few new memories as well. I sat at the blackjack tables and played with confidence (which hasn't always been the case) and won enough money that it paid for the majority of the trip! That's a plus!

Suprise joy!

My day started early this morning...4:45 to be exact! And minutes before my alarm went off I opened my eyes to see Fred's sweet face pressed against my face. It was a rare sweet moment that brought me one moment of pure joy. And then the alarm went off and we were both awake and trying to figure out why mornings are so hard! But then I remember that I bought myself a treadmill a month ago and have been getting up early to jump on for 30 minutes while I watch the first couple of seasons of the L Word and it does help jump start my movements.

And then today I left work at a normal hour to discover that it was 72 degrees outside. I put the top down on my bug and drove to the gym, home and then back outside again for a walk around my neighborhood. I LOVE the spring time. And while I was feeling like my day has had enough surprise moments of joy...I finally did my taxes and discovered that while times are tough...I am getting a nice amount of money back. So tonight I am going to bed grateful for the little joy of life!

Yes I can...

That is the phrase that I repeated to myself over and over again this morning on my way to meet two new people. I had the chance to meet two fellow bloggers...Catherine and Beth and hopefully not only put faces to our blogs but learn about each other as real people and be inspired to write on my own blog. But I have to admit that this morning as I was driving to the coffee shop, I was nervous about putting myself out there in the world. I know that sounds crazy...but it's easy to hide in blog land but a totally different experience meeting face to face. What I learned...they are great people, down to earth, friendly, fun and WICKED SMART!

I have had a love/hate relationship with this blog for some time now. In fact, I have considered closing my blog for awhile, but it's a part of who I am and honestly it documents this crazy journey of a life that I have lived. I explained this morning that my blog is not going to win any awards for literature or mass appeal, but it has been the place I could share all of my thoughts, fears, concerns...everything that felt hard to share out loud at times. It has been my journal of coming out, finding myself, losing myself and pulling it all together again. I have shared my fears, joys, rants, disappointments, sadness, victories and pure nonsense! And you have all come along for the ride!

So I met two new great people! I found a new coffee shop close by that I an ride the scooter to in the summer months. And I think maybe I even felt inspired to come back to my blog and share my journey...

Isn't really only the moments?

I read a quote this weekend that has been stuck in my head ever since. The quote said something like..."at the end of a life you don't remember the days you only remember the moments." And at first I thought it was such a great quote but the more I think about it the less I'm really sure. I think that maybe it's a combination of both in reality. I don't remember every single day I have lived...thank goodness. But I do remember a lot of memorable moments throughout my life. But in fact, there are certain days when I have felt tremendous joy, happiness and love which I can remember from the start until the end. And there are days when I have experienced extreme loss and sadness that I have replayed from the beginning to end over and over again without comfort.

So the more I think about it...the joyful times stand out as moments I remember. Sadness and hurt stand out as days...that's interesting! How about you?

Goodbye Colorado...

Those are the headlines this morning on all of the local television and radio stations, newspapers and in general discussions around all offices. I'm sure for people not living in Colorado they would think that this was such a silly topic to focus all of the energy and emotion on today. We have had two newspapers, Rocky Mountain News and The Denver Post for years and years. Two different formats, different writers, different photos...different everything. And today the Rocky Mountain News is closing their doors. The final edition was printed and delivered to newsstands, grocery stores and sidewalks. I went outside this morning to get my paper and this read the cover in silence. My heart breaks to see the ending come...

Technology has changed the way people receive their information. But I have to admit that i enjoy reading my paper every evening, seeing the historical moments documented in a way that I could never reproduce. My heart breaks for the hundreds of employees were are now unemployed and searching for a place to call home. So for today...I'm going to remember that when I order an actual newspaper it helps to keep hundreds employed. And when I run to the grocery story and consider doing the self-check out...I will wait in line with the others to ensure that I am not eliminating a job.

Most importantly, I am sad to see the newspaper that I grew up with and have loved as an adult close it's doors for good. Goodbye Rocky Mountain News...

I can't believe...

how much life changes in a year. One year ago I was sleeping on the bathroom floor with Chester for the very last time. One year ago tomorrow I drove that long and lonely drive to the vet with Chester where I had to say my final good-byes and I was hoping that putting him down would give him comfort from his pain. One year ago I came home alone, to live by myself for the first time in 17 years.

I don't think that I have actually shared this before, but what the hell...I have told you other random things. I felt completely empty and alone during that week after his death and before I brought his ashes home. I had always promised him that I would spread his ashes outside, because he had been an inside cat all of his life. He would look outside in awe...like he wondered what was really out in that crazy world. The night I brought his ashes home I sat on the floor crying because he was home and he was gone all at the same time. And right in that moment...something brushed my neck...just like Chester use to do. It freaked me out and I was embarrassed to share but sure that he was in my house again. A couple of nights later I was in the basement doing laundry and something brushed against my legs...but nothing I could see. That was the last time I had that experience. I think that the was the last time we were in the same house.

I only shared that story with a few people in my life. People I loved, people I trusted. And when I shared that experience with my parents they responded in such a surprising way. They looked at each other in surprise and shared that my mom had felt him crawl up on her bed in the middle of the night just a few days prior. She moved over to make room for him on her pillow...she said she felt her pillow deflate like it would if he was sleeping next to her. And in disbelief she whispered to my dad that Chester had crawled on the bed and was sleeping next to her. My dad whispered back...I know...I felt him earlier.

I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking that I might have snapped and lost my mind. But I really am a logic driven person who knows that these experiences were real, not something that I created in my imagination. Keeping his ashes around was to comfort me, but now it's time to let them go and honor my promise. So I will let him free to go outside finally.

One year ago I couldn't imagine loving another animal. One year ago I didn't know if I would feel less empty and alone. One year later I have Fred who has reminded me I can love. One year later I still miss Chester. One year later...I'm not as alone or empty. But for tonight and maybe tomorrow...I am just going to love Chester and say I miss him.

You made what?

My job silly...in fact I can honestly say that on a daily basis I hear things and deal with people and situations that most people will never encounter. There are moments of frustration, confusion, joy and mostly...laughter. There is usually at least one thing each day that makes me laugh out loud.

I was talking with a colleague from another school today and they shared the following story: This week they had over 15 students in their offices regarding pipes, Mary-Jane and poor choices. Yesterday they discovered three handmade pipes that were nicely carved, detailed...handmade pipes. One of the students who was in possession of one of the pipes was explaining their path of poor choices to a parent. At the end of his explanation the parent asked..."where did you get the pipe?" The answer..."I MADE IT IN WOOD SHOP CLASS!"

Just like your father...

When did that happen? I consider myself to be very liberal and open minded. I support every bodies right to live their life without judgement (as long as nobody is being physically abused) and am open to most situations. I learned that partially from my parents and I guess the other part of that is just part of my genetic coding. But the other side of that is my childhood was filled with "life lessons," "tough love," and "lifting your head up and just walking through life." My parents are realists who raised us to be the same. There are moments when I wish that I was simply a dreamer or even just believed that everything would always turn out good. But that's not it...I was taught that life can be hard, I would be hurt and I am expected to survive regardless.

My dad was a wrestling coach throughout my entire childhood and he took it very seriously. He viewed wrestling as a way of life, maybe a philosophy would better describe his views. He would lecture us that wrestling was a snapshot of the world...you had to depend on yourself, it was hard work, full of pain and joys...and that in a split second everything can change. And you have two choices, to give up or fight.

I was telling somebody this morning a story from my childhood that finally made that connection of his lessons. When I was in middle school, a couple of friends (or ex friends more accurate) egged my house and spray pained, in red paint, my name and then words like slut, bitch, whore!!! It took up the entire sidewalk in front of my house. My mom tried to pour some water on it and nothing changed. My dad told me that a power washer might help...but we didn't have one. And then that was it! They acted like it was nothing and expected me to do the same. I never mentioned it again. So for the next several years, that stayed out in front of my house like Scarlet letter. Except for the fact that I had never been in a sexual relationship of any kind at that point...so they were just lies for people to read about me. The neighbors asked me about them periodically, friends who came to visit and even family members gathering at our house would all have the chance to read the ugly words (lies) about for years to come.

I hadn't talked about that or even remember that event for such a long time. And I have to be honest, I would do it different for my child. I would rent a power washer to remove the lies and hurt branded on a place that is suppose to be their retreat from the outside world. But, I get why my parents didn't and even have some respect for that choice. I learned to stay focused on what I knew about me. I learned to not hand out that type of judgement to somebody else because I know how quickly one action can change and hurt. I learned to survive and stand up and walk through the hurt, shame and embarrassment. That doesn't make it easier or less hurtful...but it makes me a survivor.

I'm still here

Although I know it feels like I have fallen off of the radar. I have been busy, sick (soooo sick actually) and mostly feeling uninspired to write here. I have missed it and tried to come up with great things to share. I have hidden from the world for bit and become very, very quiet. But I also know it's time to come out of that cave and enter the world again. So I finally went to the doctor today and got some meds to make me feel better! I have been exercising and working on feeling great in my own skin again! And I am working on the inspiration. Just wanted you all to know that I'm still here and hoping to make a come back.

My little sunshine!

I woke up this morning feeling the winter blues. At least that's what I'm calling the feeling...whatever it really is! I got out of bed this morning at 7:00 a.m. to do WORK! I have worked all weekend long (which I know is the same for many)...but this is my blog so right it's my sad story. While I sat on the couch typing teacher evaluations, I decided...NO MORE! I need a break, I need to breathe, I need to smile. So I put on my shoes (new Uggs actually), slipped on a vest and put my helmet on tight. I started my scooter up and drove around for over an hour. It's 66 degrees here today! Can you believe it...65 degrees. I drove around on my scooter soaking up the sun and listening to my ipod. It was great for my mood. I felt good, energized and happy. So now, I'm back on the couch doing work again...but this time I feel so much better. Hope you all got to enjoy a random moment this weekend.

Sands through the hourglass...

I love the idea of soap operas being real. Not the drama part...that I the bad part, but all of the other stuff. Nobody is ever overweight and nobody works out EVER! There is always an endless supply of good food and amazing cocktails...regardless of the time of day. Everybody has money, endless support for child care and yet nobody really works. Hearts are broken but will be mended and spirits lifted within the hour. Everybody has an amazing wardrobe, loyal friendships and complete balanced lives. Who doesn't love the idea of that life! So maybe I wouldn't love my mom sleeping with my lover or dodging a hostile encounter in the elevator with my intern...but everything else seems pretty good.

All dressed up...

My new look (my blog that is) was exciting to create, full of hope and maybe just a little different. But while my blog is all dressed up, it essentially has no place to go! I have been waiting and waiting to feel a masterpiece blog entry in my soul, but I have nothing. Okay, so nothing isn't really true, but haven't been able to put the pieces all together. So here it goes...my random thoughts for the day.

• Why does my boss need to hold all day meetings every Monday when nothing is ever accomplished?
• How do I make up the one day a week that my boss wastes my time?
• Being honest and vulnerable is scary, empowering and hopeful.
• I feel grateful for my employment at the same time that I feel depressed about my job.
• Getting that "just thought you should know" call from a friend never ends with a happy feeling.
• Only Denver can have blizzard conditions at 7 a.m. and clear, blue skies with sun at 9 a.m.
• I wake up daily to find numerous cat toys in my bed. I never go to sleep with these toys in my bed.
• If there is another person in my house, I sleep very lightly and am aware of the things around me. If I am alone...I hear NOTHING! Not even my phone, Fred or alarm! Random!

Have a great day to all of you!

Good news with a twist!

"Oh this house"...those were the only thoughts that ran through my head time and time again. But during my remodel project over the summer, I learned to appreciate these four walls. In fact, I even learned to be excited about my little chateau and the neighbors that surround me. During our summer block party, we commented on our community being one of the best places in the world. Ha!!! It's official! Look at this article and it will prove that were I live is actually one of the BEST communities in the United States.

This evening I got a letter from the local police that warned all of us to watch out for each other and keep an eye out for a group of men trying to break into houses. Hmmm...I didn't see that in the article. Oh well, we all have issues...but for now, I get to say that I truly live in one of the best places in the world (o.k...the U.S.).

Missing piece

Thanks to Gwen's advice and patience of my random and often stupid questions...my blog has a new look for 2009! While I was searching through hundreds of new looks the missing puzzle pieces reached out and slapped me. I have laughed, cried, screamed and questioned on this blog for over two years now. And with the new year I have decided to finish a thought, a feeling...a need. So here it goes!

I have a need to be important to myself and hopefully to others in my life. I have a need to believe that I deserve good things, love, happiness and success. It's embarrassing to actually say out loud, and I do not want any pity...but I want to say that my belief that I don't deserve good things have become self fulfilling prophecies. Now don't get me wrong, I have had some great things in my life, I have an amazing family, wonderful friendships, spunky pets (past and present), good job, nice house...you get the point. But I spend most of my days waiting for the other shoe to drop, just waiting for something bad to happen because I am undeserving of what I do have.

I watched the last few minutes of Oprah yesterday and she was talking about her constant struggle with weight. Hello!!!! We all have that struggle on some level and we don't get paid millions of dollars to discuss the reasons. But the reason I continued to watch...she said something that clicked for me. She was talking about whatever was missing in her life is the reason she feeds herself. For her it's balance, others its money and some it's fulfillment. For me it's pure 100% unconditional love. Love for myself!

So while I could write a million things that I am going to focus on in 2009, which would be great material for the millions of things that I don't follow through with in 2009...instead I'm going to try and just be me. Be me and believe that I'm enough just the way I am.