I'm not the symphony type

My family wanted to find a tradition that we could create that would allow holiday cheer, family bonding and combination of generations. This afternoon my grandparents, parents, brother, sister-in-law and niece all went to the Colorado symphony. Classical music does not provide me with calm and relaxation. Instead I feel irritated and bored. Why is that? The music was beautiful and the atmosphere was festive...but I am going to vote for a different family activity next year.

Regardless, I did appreciate the time with my family. I had the opportunity to see my grandparents hold hands, kiss and belly laugh. My parents toasted each other and finished each others sentences. My brother and sister-in-law kissed and said "I love you" because the moment took over for them. And my niece held my hand and told me I was the perfect aunt. So while we haven't found the perfect tradition, I think that we were able to share our love for each other...and that is a tradition I would like to continue.

You don't pick...

so many different things in your life. You don't pick your own genetics. You don't pick the people you fall in love with. You don't pick your parents. Today I met a young man who cried for help. Help to find a safe place to live; help to support the parents who refuse to do the same for him; help to be treated as a real person, with real emotions and real fears.

This boy lives in an abusive environment, both physically and emotionally. He is fully devoted to his parents and is loosing grip on his beliefs that parents protect their children. But in truth, I learned today that his parents, grandparents and uncle have all accepted the abuse this young man endures daily. I sat in front of this kind boy and apologized for the disappointment adults have been to this point in his life. I apoligized that his pleas have not been met and explained that unfortunately we don't get to pick our parents. I looked into his tear filled eyes and had to explain that I am unable to fix the situation. As I watched him cry while begging his mom for help, I also realized that the system has major flaws. Because of this young mans age, the law will not automatically remove him to a safe environment. The organizations designed to protect children are so overwhelmed with reports that children are put in order or priority. This young man is older therefore, he does not rank very high on the list. I had to send him back home with my cell phone number and our police officers number. We talked through different senarious and made a commitment to check in first thing in the morning.

His final question before going back home...will anybody ever pick me? When you look at your child, partner, friend or even a stranger...remember to pick them. No soul should feel so lost...especially a child.

Secrets

Secrets have a funny role in my life. I have rarely been accused of holding myself back and not sharing everything in my life to anybody who asked. My relationship with Melissa has been the contradiction to my beliefs. In the beginning we both had a secret for different reasons, but ultimately it was to protect each other. As time went on, our secret was shared with different people at different times for different reasons. I have never lied about spending time with Melissa. I have kept no secrets when it comes to missing her and Ellie and trying to see them at every opportunity. I would answer honestly if anybody asked...including my parents.

I have shared with the true friends and some of my co-workers. I have received mixed responses. Some of my friendships remained solid...and some disappeared. While there have been some hard moments in loosing friends, I always believe that it's nice to know who your true friends really are. Several months ago, almost a year, Melissa and I talked about seeing a counselor together to help me process and create the right words to share with my parents. I never went to a counselor to figure that out...maybe it's time.

While I haven't said the specific words to my parents, I have shared with them how much I miss Melissa and Ellie. I have shared how important it is for me to visit them as much as possible. I talk about how we were all going to live in this house. I have shared with them my feelings and emotions. My parents are fully aware of my bond and connection with Melissa. I keep wishing that they would just ask me directly. That would be so much easier to answer honestly.

Either way...some call it a secret. I call it living my life and figuring it outthe best I can on a day to day basis. I guess I'm still growing. It's not my secret...just my process.

Nerd time...

I was inspired by Melissa's friends blog greeblemonkey. Nerd time is such a funny title but it totally describes my alone time. Melissa often talks about the fact that her partner is a "knitter". I love to knit and there are times that it's all I ever think about. I have actually considered taking days off of work to stay home and knit! Ha! I also love to read mindless magazines. I look through as many possible and pull out the pictures, phrases and ideas that I LOVE. All of those "favoriates" go into a book. My book...my book that holds secrets about the person inside that has only been shared with Melissa.

I read through Melissa's blog daily and all of her favoriate blogger friends. I am so impressed by the creativity and content. My nerd time would be spent redesigning my blog, adding pictures and discussing wonderful novels. But the truth is that I long to have the "creative" gene, the technical understanding of designing a more estetic blog and reading a novel is something that I do but not something that I am good enough at to actually discuss on my blog. So my nerd time is spent living vicariously through all of you!

And then there were walls

Tonight I drove by my old house...a house that supported and comforted me for the past seven years. I have grown, struggled, laughed, hurt, loved and lived inside those walls. I sold the house for the land value, always knowing that the person purchasing my little bungelow was going to tear it down. Months have gone by and slowly that little house has been torn apart for the sole purpose of making room for a mini-mansion. Tonight I was driving around trying to escape my current reality and maybe even longing for my past to provide a moment of comfort. And then there were walls! The mini-mansion is now framed and a new story will begin. I think change can be wonderful and exciting. I also think that change can be sad and debilitating. So this is my tribute to the history of my bungalow and the comfort and excitment that I felt inside those walls. I hope that the spirit of my house transfers into my the new mansion. I moved into a great house with it's own individual spirit, history and potential. I moved into a house with more room, space to share and home for more. But the Garfield house will always have a place in my heart.

Instant smiles

I love the whole process of feeling joy. I love the way my facial muscles feel when I smile. I love the feel of laughter coming out of my throat. I love hearing laughter that comes from the gut. I love to see people smile with their eyes when something inside is triggered and joy takes over. I don't always share that piece of myself with others, but inside the search for joy is constant. Here are some of the things that bring me joy on a regular basis:

*Chester...my amazing, handsome, perfect cat. He has been my best friend for 16 years and has given me joy every minute. Chester is a Persian and has the cutest face on the planet. Chester has been a constant in my life for so long and I can't imagine my life without my friend. No matter where we go, when people see him they smile. I feel very proud to have Chester has my pet...friend.

*My mom when she tries to tell a story and laughs so hard she cries. The laughing takes over the actual story and it takes many tries to actually hear what she is trying to say.

*Melissa's laughter when she can visualize a story and it tickles her funny bone. She has a laugh that makes me want to sit and listen for hours.

*Kayla. Maybe that's it. Kayla for just being herself. I look at her and see the expressions of my dad, laughter and hair of my mom, face and love of my brother and loyalty of myself. She is my childhood family all rolled into one person.

*My dads ability to make me feel calm and believe that it will all work out in the end. When he comforts me with words and kind eyes I feel joy for being his daughter.

*Ellie's sense of herself. Watching her dance around a room, tell exciting stories and just be herself brings me joy.

*My convertible bug...it's dark blue color, camel colored top, turbo engine and the feeling I get when I crawl inside every day.

*I have a PINK scooter. Pepto Pink...and I love it. I love riding around town, I love the look on people's faces when they see it coming and I love that it is PINK!

I can think of so many other thing, but this is my starting list. What are some of yours!

Random thoughts...

I have said over and over again how random my thoughts are and how difficult it is for me to really focus. But I also have a strange obsessive tendancy that forces me to focus on those random thoughts over and over again! For example:

When I was a little girl my family struggled financially. I'm not sure that I knew that fact, but I was aware that my friends would have toys and clothes that we didn't have or talk about. In fact, my family would spend our Friday nights at the local Target store just looking at decorations, clothes, toys, etc. We didn't actually buy anything on these weekly trips...we just imagined what it would be like to afford all of the items that we loved. I remember that feeling everytime I enter a Target store. I have been known to spend hours walking through Target and actually leaving with two items!

I had tubes in my ears as a little girl to help with my reoccuring ear infections and also enhance my hearing. When I was in first grade, standing in the lunch line...I felt something fall inside my ear. I reached inside and pulled out a tiny little object that looked like a spool of thread. I spent the remainder of the day worried how to tell my parents that I had done something that forced my tube to fall out. I worried that we wouldn't have the money to fix my hearing, I worried that my parents would be disappointed that I wasn't more careful...I even worried that I would loose this little object and break my parents heart. Those were the thoughts that I could say outloud, but the thought inside my head that I have never said..."What if I never hear again? Then what happens to my life? Did I do something that this is what I deserve?" In the end...I finally broke down and told my parents four days later at bedtime. I apologized, offered to pay (because I had so much money in first grade) and promised to do better. My parents told me to relax...the tubes are suppose to fall out every year! HMMM! That is the story of my life!

I'm saying it out loud...

MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HAVING A BABY...OR NOT. I have mentioned in the past that having the baby urge both feels random and shocking. I spent my entire life believing that you are born knowing you are meant to be a parent and because I hadn't had that feeling I didn't need to really worry about the urge showing up later. But then WHAM!!!! it feels like I got knocked over the head.

I work with two women who are pregnant and suddenly I feel a knot in my stomach just listening to their experiences, dreams, goals. I have a friend who recently gave birth and I have avoided seeing simply because holding her baby may trigger a bigger feeling. I was talking with a friend today about the possibility of not ever having a child and that it might be something bigger than I can think about. I planned my life based on the knowledge that I love kids, but being the "primary" parent wasn't in the cards. So now that I have the baby thing going on...my life isn't set up for an easy decision. At some point there is a time when you have to think about your life and what you have to offer. That time seems to have begun for me and yet I don't feel like I have the tools to even consider new ideas.

So is saying out loud that I have the baby urge going to make it disappear or is it going to become the only thing I can think about? I'm not sure...but I do know that I always thought that if I was going to have a child it would have happened no later than 35. Hmmm...that doesn't give me much time.

Whirlwind Weekend

I jumped on a flight headed for Indiana on Friday night! I boarded another plane Sunday at 3:30 returning to Denver. I have become a semi-decent jet setter learning how to pack light, quickly and accept a moderate amount of turbulence. But this is not the point of this blog entry. The point is that from the outside my quick trip to Indiana may appear as simply a whirlwind weekend. Instead, the weekend was filled with excitement, laughter, fear, tears, joy, love and a few stolen moments. I was there for two reasons (okay...three). These are the same three reasons that I continue to pack bags and plan for the little moments...Melissa, Ellie and Cagney! This was a big weekend for Ellie because she turned four on Monday. Melissa planned the perfect princess party for Ellie including a enchanted cake, elaborate gift bags, fun food (fire pit included), a castle bounce house and even personalized CD's for the parents. Ellie is a very lucky little girl on a lot of different levels. Melissa was able to share this weekend with her son, ex-wife, sister, nephews, mom, dad, best friend, friends, Ellie's friends and parents myself and even Cagney. Ellie was able to enjoy every single moment without unnecessary structure, rules or limits.

Thank you Melissa for allowing me to be a part of you and Ellie's life. Watching that little girl grow has been such a life changing experience.

10,000 thoughts and more

I tell Melissa almost daily that I don't feel like a true "blogger". I started a blog because it felt like a place to share what was going on in my life, express feelings that were at times to difficult to say out loud and clear my head of obsessive thoughts. That is not blogging...or at least interesting blogging. Melissa tagged me the other day and I was suppose to write 7 "interesting" things about myself. Ugh! SEVEN INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT ME???? I couldn't come up with one interesting fact...and I don't think of myself as a boring person.

But I was thinking tonight on my drive home about the random thoughts in my head. How can a person who has that many random thoughts get so stuck on the thoughts and incapable of articulating any single item? So here is the beginning of those thoughts and maybe once they are in writing I will figure out how to finish a thought. For anybody who has read my previous blogs knows that being "stuck" is often my biggest enemy.

1. Will I ever gain control of my body...in every or any way?
2. How do I save the money needed to feel secure?
3. How did I end up in this career...how do I not have any idea what I really "want" to be when I grow up?
4. What does Chester do all day?
5. How does my handsoap turn from liquid to foam when I push the dispenser?
6. How do I fix all of the things I screwed up?
7. This is going to be Ellie's best Christmas and I'm not going to see. Can't wait for Melissa to experience the pure joy in bugs face.
8. What flights are going to work out?
9. Matthew is going to be so happy to be with Melissa and Ellie.
10. I would love if there was actually a dinner prepared for me when I walk through the door.
11. What is my lot in life.
12. Am I a jealous person? I don't like that about myself (never knew that about myself).

Do you see what I mean? That is just a sample of my thoughts this afternoon. I have those thoughts in my head 24 hours a day (nonstop). There is almost never an answer and I rarely feel comfort with the question.

Sands in an hourglass

I use to be amazed when people would talk about their life flashing in front of them and worrying about all the things that need to happen. I was a very little girl when my grandmother died of a heart attack...she was 48. And now I find myself thinking about all of the things that I have waited to experience that may not get to happen based on my genetics. Melissa keeps reminding me how important it is for me to deal with my stress level and find a way to get healthy. I agree with that 100%. Trying to put all of the pieces together, like a puzzle (my latest obsession) is an overwhelming task. I want to make a list of things that I want to see, experience and do in my lifetime. That's the work I am going to try and do on this blog. I want to deserve good things...do I?

Selling out

I have struggled my entire life trying to fight for equal treatment and respect for everybody...not just for myself...maybe never myself! That is an aha moment. I have been trying to figure out who I am and why it doesn't seem to fit any place. When I was a little girl my mom would dry my tears when my friends would turn on me for stupid reasons and she would always say "you are the kind of person who always give 150% to everything and you are never going to get 150% back...I'm sorry". The lesson my parents always hoped I would learn was really about "choosing my battles". I am now 34 years old and still am no better at picking my battles then I was at 13.

Integrity, honest and loyal were the three characteristics that meant the most to me in all of my relationships. I always wanted people who met me to use those three words to describe me...and maybe I am none of those. I think that there are people in my life that would describe me using thoses three characteristics. There are also people that describe me as a "bulldog" with no emotions, concerns and compassion. There are those people who would describe me as a sell-out. Am I a sell-out? Do I have any integrity? How do I get that person back? I don't want to be a sell out...

Rest at last

I realized this morning during a crazy whirlwind morning routine that maybe rest would be the perfect Friday evening. Sitting on my couch with Chester (he is all about bonding) in Melissa's Halloween pajama bottoms, soft gray shirt and my pink slippers from Ellie. I have the television playing, dinner is cooking and I'm drinking a Pepsi One. This is the perfect evening...except that I don't have Melissa and Ellie. I miss you both and am trying to keep the memories of last weekend to comfort me. I love you!

The answer is YES

Am I sad...that is the question. Melissa told me that her friends have been reading this blog (atleast somebody is actually reading) and they believe that I am sad. And my answer is YES. I have a lot going on in my life right now that feels heavy, but more than anything I miss my Melissa, Ellie and Cagney. I miss knowing that we would all be together during any down time. I miss coloring with Ellie and drawing the "hair"! I miss Cagney begging for food and constantly sneaking it behind Melissa's back. I miss holding Melissa's hand and knowing that no matter what was going on that she was right there. I feel lonely and at times like I'm the only person in the world walking around searching. I know that this was the best thing for Melissa and Ellie and it sounds like Cagney too (she is eating all of the squirrel food). And for the people living in Indiana...you are so lucky. You are getting to see Ellie grow into a princess. You have the chance to feed Cagney and look into her eye knowing that you are her BEST FRIEND...for the moment. You are getting to see Melissa smile and tell stories that she laughes at before event sharing. So again, YES...I am sad.

I didn't quit!!!!

I stayed up most of the night so that I could actually finish a book. I had to prove to myself that no matter how hard things are, I don't quit. I may not be able to eloquently articulate the books meaning, character development,, etc. But I can tell you that the book touch me in ways that I hadn't expected. Not only did I finish, but I was moved. I made the connection between the book and my life. That is a major accomplishment!

Is being stuck another way of quiting?

Reading books always sounds like such a relaxing activity, but the reality is that I am not a very good reader. I can easily start a book, but following through to completion is a difficult task. I love the idea of curling up on the couch with a blanket, hot drink and a good book, but instead I find myself reading for a few minutes before I drift off to sleep. I discovered that there are currently three books sitting by my bed, each book I have began reading and somewhere along the way I find myself stuck and unable to finish. After talking with an English teacher friend, she told me to give myself permission to quit. As a former counselor, I took that message and analyzed how that relates to me and my life. I continue to believe that I will finish reading all three of the books by my bed. I tell myself that I don't quit...I finish everything that I start. But staying stuck is not finishing the books. So do I give myself permission to quit or do I find a way to push past the reasons for being stuck and finish the things that I start?

The stranger inside

I went to a movie last night...by myself. It has been a long time since I have sat in a movie theatre by myself and waited to escape into a make believe world. I saw the new movie, "The Brave One" and had so many thoughts throught this movie. My first thought was that Melissa will be so turned on by Jodie Foster that I don't think she will fully appreciate the story line! Maybe a little too much visual stimulation. But the other thought that kept running through my mind...I have a stranger living inside my body. This point is only fully understood after watching the movie. I use to describe myself has having two personalities inside (I am a Gemini after all) and those two personalities kept me balanced. I have a very responsible personality. I always get to the airport two hours prior to my flight, I always read instructions before attempting any project and I always go to work...no matter how badly I could use a day off. And then there is a side of me that loves a party, refuses to follow rules and only wants to be happy in the moment. There are other traits that are consistent, but then brief moments appear when I feel like a stranger has taken over my life. Moments when I hit a low emotionally and then this person appears and takes me down a road that I am familiar with but do not know the exact turns and exits.

In the movie, she talks about change causing your stranger to appear and adjust accordingly. For me, the stranger takes over and instead of make changes necessary to adjust, I shut down. Who is that stranger?

Express Yourself

I need to learn how to express myself. That sentance just made me smile and laugh for the first time in days. Expressing myself verbally is usually the thing that I do best. Expressing myself through writing, art, dance...whatever I haven't been able to do in a very long time. I use to sing. I sing to myself when I'm lonley, hurt, sick or stressed. I sing to myself with I feel joy, excitment...I sing to myself almost every time I am alone. Singing is my friend and my companion. I tell Melissa that I am "retired" and that is why I no longer sing in front of others. She has always wanted to know why...why would I be retired. I'm not ready to explore the reasons I shut the outside world out of my sanctuary. I am ready to admit that singing is my best form of expression. But I want more. I want to be creative, insightful and inspiring. I am going to work on improving this blog to more accurately express who I am, inside and out.

Dead in the water

How is that for a title. I read Melissa's blog and it talks about enjoying friends, bonding with family, loving Ellie...Brit, Rosie (you get the point). And when I look at my blog I don't have any of that to talk about. I feel lost, sad and stupid. Melissa will hate that last statement, but I can't change the way that I feel. I worked hard to get the career that I have and right now I don't feel confident at any moment during the day. I look in the mirror and am disappointed in the person looking back. I have a new house that I'm still trying to personalize and yet finding the money, time and motivation has become another job. Who am I and how do change the way that I feel? How do I find different things to write about? Melissa describes herself as "always looking for greener grasses" and I worry that I'm going to start to look dull.

Makes me proud...

I have spent the holiday weekend with my 86 and 89 year old great-aunts. I originally would have said I was "entertaining them", but in reality they were entertaining me. I come from a long line of independent women and these two ladies reminded me who I am and where I come from. Both of my aunts graduated from college during a time that very few women were allowed to seek higher education. Both of my aunts moved to different states and adapted to seeing their families every couple of years. Each of my aunts pursued masters degrees at some of the most prestigious universities. My aunts were able to spend some time talking, laughing and sharing details with me about their lives and mine.

The women in my life are independent, fun, wild, brutally honest, determined and courageous. My Grandma Mikelson comes from poverty and knows how to work hard. She refused to marry my grandpa before he went to war out of convince. She waited until she was in her 20's and he returned safely. My grandma reminded me this weekend that you can survive anything when needed...just have to believe in yourself. My Aunt Olivia has always been my kindred spirit. She lives in my two favorite places...San Francisco, CA and Scottsdale, AZ. My aunt has been a widow for over 35 years and believes in independence and excitement. She has traveled the world several times always by herself and always excited for the new adventures. She has season tickets to the theatre, Standford baseball and now Arizona Basketball. She believes in improving yourself and never settling for anything that doesn't bring you joy. My Aunt Ester has gentleness about her and when you least expect she has a sharp toughed bit to put things into perspective. She has a Wit unlike anybody I have ever met and believes that the people you love are also the people you can be the most honest and direct with...no apologies necessary. She told me this weekend that she has lived in a state she doesn't like for 40 years but doesn't regret one moment of her life. She has traveled alone for the past 30 years always leaving her family behind because of their lack of interest.

I am walking away from these ladies reminded of something that I have not paid attention to recently. I am a strong, independent women who loves life and loves adventure. I love my partner and would love to share new experiences with her, but I also need to do those things for myself along the way. I want to feel proud that I can take care of myself, not all women can. I want to feel excited to see and experience something new. I want to fill my entire day with life and not take that for granted. I come from amazing women and someday I want other women to say that about me.

Now what...

I had an amazing weekend and it was great to see Melissa. We laughed, cried, talked, saw friends and rode around in the bug and on the scooter. And then just as quickly as it came...it stopped. I dropped her off at the airport and returned to my house where I am stuck. Now what? How do I get it together and move on? Not really sure what. I haven't been writing a lot, not sure what to write about. Confidene level isn't very high so going to try and make this blog more exciting. Maybe I should become a story teller and stop focusing on my personal life. I had a great time this weekend. Thank you baby!

These four wall...

are designed to keep me warm, safe and happy. Yet as I sit on my couch looking around I keep trying to figure out how to share all of my feelings and thoughts I feel like they are trapped in a box meant to keep me sane. I guess four walls has become a metaphor for my life. I do find comfort inside my house, but I haven't wanted to put up the walls around my heart and mind. I have spent a lot of my life with walls protecting me from anything negative. Unfortunately I also kept myself from experiences a lot of wonder because of the same walls. Melissa taught me to trust and slowly broke down each wall. And now I look around and see so many things that I need to do in my house and in my soul and yet I don't have the skills to do any of them. I want to write about adventure, love, passion, babies and so much more, but I can't stop my head long enough to write anything. So for now, I'm going to stay safe and warm inside my home and keep the things I love locked inside a box in my heart. That is where I'm finding calm.

I forget for a minute

I woke up this morning without an alarm, without a sound without any movement. I just opened my eyes and imagined all of the things I could do today. And then within a second I remember that all of those things I will have to do by myself. I remember that my partner and I aren't going to get together and do some shopping, we aren't going to the zoo, we aren't planning dinner...we are planning our days in a different way. We both are trying to stay busy and fill the days with activities, people and duties. We talk as much as possible to stay connected to each others lives and to share our down time. So I am going to look forward to those moments when I first wake up and fantasize about all of the activities the days holds and sharing my time with my partner.

Spinning out of control...

and then I got the words that made me feel better. I love you and that doesn't change. No matter what happens, we agree or disagree, loneliness, laughter...doesn't change my love for you. Those are the words that brought peace to my soul and made me stop spinning out of control.

I haven't been sleeping lately and it gives my head a lot of time to randomly think about different events. When I am all alone and have down time, I talk to myself. Well actually I have conversations with people but I play both parts. I know that it sounds crazy and maybe that it why I have kept it a secret all of these years. My parents know that I do it because they say that as a small child I would have arguments with other people (imaginary) while bathing, riding in the car or sitting in my room. I would like to share more about these conversations but right now I feel blocked.

So I go back to spinning out of control today. And the only comfort that I needed was the words "I love you...and that doesn't change" and "I'm right here". Thank you baby for those words. I love you too!

FAILURE

If I had to describe one word that fits how I feel about myself, it would be FAILURE. But to say that out loud for the world to hear sounds like a pity party...and therefore it is my secret. I have always felt like a failure and maybe it has now become a self fulfilling prophecy. I have failed at so many things that trying to figure out how to stop the pattern seems overwhelming. And yet from the outside people would never assume that I have any self doubt or regrets. Last night I laid awake in bed unable to stop my head from thinking about all of the events in my life, past and present, that I didn't do well or will eventually find a way to destroy. My dreams are filled with loss, fear and torment...is that related to my actual life or is it just my current pattern?

During my awake hours, I am aware of the positive things in my life...family, love, health, financial stability (although I could use more), etc. You get the point, but it's during the darkness that I'm reminded the most about my demons and large an impact they play in my daily living. I am trying to stay just ahead of my demons and control the amount of power they possess in my life. Who will win? Today it doesn't feel like me.

Do I or don't I????

That is the script that runs through my mind over and over again. Every aspect of my life I ask the same question...do I try something that is on my mind or should I let it pass and hope for the best. The question fits in any situation...what kind of food should I eat, where should I go on vacation, what type of career am I going to explore, following my heart...you get the point. Recently, I have been thinking about having a baby. WOW...seeing it written down is more shocking than actually thing about the possibility of being a mom. I always believed that women were born knowing that they either wanted children or not. I never had the desire so I assumed that it wasn't meant for me to actually have my own child. I love kids...I love the potential, their raw sense of self, the laughter, everything! I love my niece for the person she is, wants to be and is going to be. I love Ellie from my gut and get more and more from her every day. And then all of sudden I wanted to have a child. Physically...I'm not sure, emotionally I'm sure! The idea of having baby is frightening for me because I never thought of myself as capable of raising a baby. I have a history of messing up people's lives and I would never want to hurt a child.

Would I give a birth to a biological child? Do I try adopting a child? Do I accept that I am not meant to be a "parent"? I am a parent...I'm a step-mom. Do I pursue having a baby or let the idea fade? That is the question!

Just be...

That is the best advice ever. I have spent the past 10 days with my partner and her daughter trying to absorb all they have to offer so I can take that back with me to Colorado. I have experienced every emotion possible and have caused some hurt, frustration, confusion and hopefully love to Melissa. I have said her name...can you believe that? She has told me several times this week to "just be." Now I get it...now I understand that the only control I have comes within myself and I need to trust the things that I know. I know that I love her and love the times we spend together. I know that I love her daughter and the laughter belly laugh that only this 3 year old can share. I love her dog...she is the example of calm and living in the moment. I love my partner and I know that she loves me. I have to remind my brain to stop going in random directions and instead stay confident in the moment. This is my time to learn about trust and love...something that has been an issue for me in the past. Like everybody, I also have a personal story that has some good and some bad...trust, confidence and love are the victims of my life.

Maybe that is the topic of my new blog...maybe not! Either way, I have learned that I need to trust my partner and trust our love. I've learned to be honest about my issues and not make them somebody else's issue. I love the person I am in my relationship...and that is the person that I'm going to work on and make more confident.

Does effort count?

I have been writing for the past year about my relationship and my desire to do it better. I use to make a living off of communication and yet I wonder how I could do such a poor job in my personal life. I love my partner and I love her child...I even love her dog. I have been in love with her almost from the beginning of our relationship, but I have always tried to allow her the freedom to determine who she is and what makes her happy. And yet in the end, all I really want to do is be selfish and tell her to stay with me and be happy in the moment. We are trying to figure out the long distance relationship thing and there have been a few bumps along the way. All of that said, and I still want is for her to hold me, tell me she loves me and to have the laughter that only we have. I am desperate to find advice and hope that we can make this transition and that I will still have her with me in the end. I wake up daily worried that I am loosing my grip on us. Part of me says that it may be necessary for her to be happy. But I'm not ready to give up on the love of my life. I hope that she is holding on as tight.

Time Flies...or does it

It's 9:00 a.m. and outside the temperature is 79 degrees. Inside my house, the temperature is 85 degrees and shows no sign of dropping. So I sit on my porch and look around my yard and realize that I am doing this all alone. By this I mean "life"...my life to be exact. Regardless of the ups and downs in my life, the only person that I can count on 100% is myself. And while there was a time that this was my goal, I'm not sure that being so independent counts as a success any longer. I have been alone again just over a week and I would like to say that the time has flown by. That is what I would like to say, but the reality is that I find myself counting the seconds and hoping for something that will consume an hour of my time. Does it get better?

Just holding it together

I had forgotten what a broken heart felt like but I have been reminded within a few minutes. I fear starting over again and I fear being alone. That is so contrary to who I have been all of my adult life. I built a life that promised independence, freedom and strength. And then I fell in love and everything changed including my priorities. The pain and loneliness that I feel is bigger than words can describe. I don't know what to do with myself or my emotions and I don't have anybody to share these feelings. Will it get better? Will anybody ever love me enough to stay? Will I ever love myself enough to make them stay?

Returning home

This morning I kissed the person that I love the most while tears ran down my face and fear pulsed through my body. And seconds later, I was boarding a plane to return home...a different state. As I walked into my house this morning, I felt panic and emptiness for the first time. I have referred to my girlfriend as my "Binky" and now I sit on my couch worrying about how I can live without that support. I know that we will see each other again, but from this point forward, everything is different. I really do love her and miss her more than I can ever express. I have this relationship that has been a secret at times and yet I have shared with other people in my life. And yet today...I sit alone with no support. I am right now in a long distance relationship and worry every minute how that is going to work for all of us. For now, all I can do is trust in us and hold on tight to the contact we have...event if it is not face to face.

Practice at letting go

I have been writing about my life and the ups and downs, confusions and clairity and it all comes down to this moment...loving somebody. I have fallen in love in a way that has been foreign to me. I have loved a person so much that I have actually forgotten to love myself at times. And I have experienced somebody else's love and passion about ME. That is a concept that has never happened in my entire adult life. And though this love has brought some confusion and fear, it has also brought me comfort, joy and peace. And in the end, the person that I love is leaving...me? I know that this move is about her and the need to find joy and happiness. I know that staying here is not bringing her joy and I truly want that for her and her daughter. And in the end we need that to make us a happy team. But the other side to that story is that in order for her to feel happy, she needs to leave me and move to a different state. A state that is practically on the other side of the world from here and now fear has a new meaning.

In a couple of days I will be driving towards her new happiness and then returning to my home. I will have to say good-bye. We have agreed to try and make this work, but in the end, she lives in another world and I am here. So for now, how do I say good-bye? What does that look like and how do I actually pull it off? How do I get it together and live my life? Love hurts...isn't that what people say? All I know is that I had love and the only way to keep the love that I had is to let that person leave and find peace and happiness some place else.

Who can hear me?

The process of writing my feelings, questions and thoughts tricks me into believing that somebody out there is listening and ready to respond at any moment. But the reality is not as comforting and instead I realize that the only person listening is my cat. The problem is that I need more and don't have anybody who can listen. This week had the potential to be filled with hope, promise, excitement and pride. Instead this week reflected what is in my heart, fear, disappointment, pain, lonliness and confusion. I have disappointed every important person in my life while trying to make each of them feel confident and important. I fear that this sounds like a pitty party and that's why I usually stop talking or addressing my feelings. I want to pick me. I want myself to be important and myself to be a priority. I want to do things because they feel good in my soul and not because I am expected to do "the right thing". Is that possible? How do I make this happen? How do I stop hurting those people in my life? How do I stop hurting myself?

Love...

Is a feeling that I have spent my entire life both afraid of experiencing and terrified of not embracing. Growing up in a family that was close, kind and honest...openly loving was not at the top of our list. I actually had never heard either of my parents say they "loved me" until this year. I am 33 years old and pretty sure that it's unusual for parents to not say those simple words that often. I know that it's not because the feelings are not there, but instead my parents are private people and don't feel comfortable sharing their emotions. But as a result, I am unfamiliar with love.

Of course I have felt love and I have felt the pain that often accompanies love. I am currently in love with somebody who wears their emotions for everybody to see. I love that quality, but I also fear that quality. How do I move past that fear? How do I trust that the pain isn't right around the corner? How do I explain this love to my family? I have moments of complete clarity...and I have moments when my fears are so large that they totally consume all of who I am. My fear translates into lack of caring and it's really the farthest from the truth. How do I get past my fears?

Where do I fit????

I have spent my entire life feeling like an outsider watching the world go round. I was never smart enough, athletic enough, skinny enough...maybe it's easier to just say "not enough". I've spent every moment of my life planning how to do better and ultimately find my place in the world. I pursued career that were "safe" and identified as solid decisions. Currently, I am in the education field and question my role, skills and direction on a moment by moment basis. I always felt stupid in school and now I work in the same environment. So now I walk the halls and question my intelligence and ability to be successful. My heart aches most mornings for a career which challenges me and allows me to feel good about myself. My friends are important to me and yet I feel like there is a role I'm expected to play. I know that belonging should be easy, but for me it constantly elude me. Being comfortable in my own skin has been the primary struggle for as long I as can remember. I am not comfortable or satisfied and that creates a cycle of starving, binging and loathing. And then finally there is my personal life. I have been single the majority of my adult life and have felt comfortable in that decision. For the past year, I have been involved with a wonderful person. When we first got together I felt freedom and pure joy. And over the year I have learned so much about myself. But now I stand alone. Alone in a world that is a mystery to me. Alone because I do not fit in any category. I do not fit in the role that even my partner believed. I am just alone right now and forced to figure out the next step in my life. The real question is...will I ever fit? Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?

hey ms...are you talking to me?

I work with high school students and am amazed how I remember daily what school was like for me...a disaster. I was not a good student, not connected emotionally to school nor did I ever plan on working in that field. And years later I sit at my desk and wait for the bells to ring reminding me the time of day. I walk the halls and ask kids to follow rules, take of their hats, put away phones and go back to learning. It surprises me every day that I turned into one of THOSE adults. The people that we made fun, laughed at and ignored on a daily basis. I think of myself as young until I see myself through the eyes of a 15 years old boy. When I hear "Ms." is always look around in search of my mother. Working with students is suppose to keep you young, but currently it reminds me that time has moved on and I am now a full fledged adult!

so much fun...now it's time to pay

Restrictions, budgets, planning...those are the words that rule my life. I am a rule follower. Not the kind that does that everything right, but instead there are "life rules" like fill your tanks before it's empty, exercise daily, watch you eat, pay all of your bills on the 1st of the month. You get what I'm trying to say. But there is also the side of me that rebels against expectations, refuses to conform to societies ideas and believes in personal exploration. I am Ying/Yang! Ha... Over the summer I made choices that broke all the rules. I am in a relationship that surprised every friend I told, I partied as much as possible, I consumed as much alcohol as possible (making sure to stay on the side of "no problem"), I ate foods that were on the DO NOT EAT list, and I didn't exercise all that often. Those were the things that I was willing to own and later accept the consequences. While I am lying on the bed to buttom my pants, I have also accepted that it is time to put the drinks down, push away from the tables, say NO to trans-fat and drag my behind into the gym. That is a lot and until today I believed it was enough. But now I have realized that my bank account has also grown, streched and finally snapped!

So the words budget, exercise, diet, moderation...these are the words that will keep me warm in 2007! Ugh! Not as much fun, but I had a great time getting to this place!

First time for everything

I am new to the blogging community and nervous about this posting. When I decided to create a blog, I had a list of topics I was going to write, discuss and create solutions. But now that I am actually on-line and getting ready to put something out there for all of you to read, I realize that I have nothing...except random words, ideas and thoughts. As a child, I imagined writing a book or working for a magazine as a journalist. As the years went by, I realized that writing may not really be a career path and maybe I was meant for something a little less artistic. But I enjoy the idea of sharing my thoughts and questions with the universe without putting a face to the stories. So for now, this is my first attempt at blogging and I am excited that the first step is over. I look forward to sharing, reading, thinking and laughing with the blogging community.